Jack, Jules, Esther & Me

---

All right.

- Here we go, here we go, here we go!

Yeah!

Mmm...

Wahoo!

Dude, this place is f***ing awe...

- Dude.

Your brother going to rehab was one of

the best things to ever happen to us.

Right, dude?

This place is freaking sweet!

You know that if you smoke

Viagra, your whole body gets hard.

I know what happens

when you don't smoke that.

Oh, man!

Dude!

Look at you, dude!

Remember the goat?

Oh!

Come on, Jesus!

The funny part is, it was soda.

He's not gonna take it, bro.

- No?

Dude, what the f***

are you watching?

Dude, I'm watching

Smurf porn, Jack.

Uh!

Oh-oh-oh-uh!

It's so blue!

- Oh, Papa Smurf!

Oh, papa. - All right! Papa.

Pay attention.

Holy sh*t, man!

Did you just Power Point us?

Yes, I did. This is serious.

directionless, underachieving, etcetera.

Then, January 17, 2006,

I meet Jules

at Jack's Bar Mitzvah.

Everything changes.

Dude, you're Jewish?

No, not really.

It was a really great party, though.

- It was.

I figured I might as well,

you know.

I don't

ask for her number. Four years pass.

A lot of sadness, masturbation...

just a corrupt soul.

Then, April 19th, 2010,

Model Congress,

Jules nominates me to be her VP.

We run on a platform of racial harmony...

- Yeah!

Educational reform...

- Hmm!

General ass-kicking.

We win.

She kisses me on the neck.

It was intimate and intense.

Dude!

Dude, it looks like

she head-butted you.

Uh regardless,

it was enough to say,

"Hey maybe not now, but someday,

when I don't have a boyfriend. "

My life changes.

I-I-I become interested in politics,

Obama, and...

all that social justice stuff.

All because of Jules!

And now,

now she's single.

I gather courage,

the plan begins.

Woo!

Dude.

- What?

Yeah!

7:
30pm, we hit Vicio's restaurant.

- Nice.

Reservation

for 14, Seven guys, seven girls.

It's just chill, you know.

No one's feeling

any romantic tension.

9:
15pm, we hit Lavo.

A couple of smooth beverages, you

know, I'm near Jules. Not hovering.

And then Jack and I suggest that

we walk to Wexler's party.

Take the scenic route, cross the

park.

- Slip it in.

- And then, at approximately... 11:17pm.

Take one, pass it down.

You want me to say this line,

dude?

"Hey,

you rich private school kids.

Give me your money or I'm

gonna make you anally pregnant?"

I f***ing love that line, and I

don't even get it. - I'm gonna...

I'm gonna anally ram you.

I feel like I should say that.

I feel like that sounds better.

It's-it's... "ass pregnant",

okay?

And then I say, "Everybody

be calm, just be cool. "

And then you say?

"Listen you, I'm only afraid of

God and Luis Sosa.

So you better step off. "

I-I don't know, dude.

I mean...

I heard Jules doesn't

even date dudes, anymore.

He's not wrong.

I'm not sure it's true

but there's a persistent rumor

she loves boobies

as much as I do.

That's a lot, dude.

I mean, I heard a rumor that

she was dating some college guy.

Whatever, you know.

We leave for school in a week.

If I don't do anything now, she's definitely

going to get with some other dude.

So, it's now or never.

The plan is like,

f***ing holy, man.

Yeah!

- Oh!

- Let's do this sh*t.

Hello, man.

- Ah!

You know I am, dude. It's J.L.

Power Productions, our last hurrah.

Uh!

Not our last.

Oh, you know

what I meant, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Buh-go!

See ya.

- See you later, man.

"Brothers"]

Ready for this one?

Oh! Yeah Uh-huh

My name is a...

Costa Rica

Uh-huh, yeah

My name is one

Panama

For my people, for my people

Dig on, dig on

Yeah! Chile, Bolivia

My name is a...

Yeah

Guatemala, uh!

My name is one

Cuba, put the label

Don't it for me,

do it for unity

Those are your brothers

some different colors

It's the way

it's supposed to be

Don't do it for me

do it for the beat

Whether you came

from a city of beats

Make something out of nothing

yeah, that's always about

Not about who got

a bigger mouth in the cloud

Yeah, I wanna show bros the A-love

because it comes from the from bottom above...

Hey!

Oh! There you are.

Come here.

What's up, guys?

Hey, dad.

Hey!

Were you at work?

- Yeah.

Muah!

Hola.

Hola!

No, no, no, no, no.

Jack has a party on Saturday

por la noche and...

I'm booked.

Well, we'll do it

Saturday afternoon.

Do we have to have a party?

Well then, let me have a party

so I don't feel so sad.

Okay?

Oh, they're not gonna come

all the way out here.

Just ask.

Okay.

Where you going?

I'm late, um...

What's up?

Yo, problem.

Somebody ratted me out to Lena, and

she just sent me a text saying that,

I was a f***ing man whore, and I

should go f*** myself and get AIDS ASAP.

Uh, sh*t, dude! Just call

her back and apologize.

Bro, she wished AIDS on me.

Okay, AIDS, man.

She's not coming out tonight.

Yo, hurry up,

douche bag!

Give me one second, all right? I'm in the

middle of a f***ing critical chat, over here.

Where are you?

Me, Dougie and Helmet are taking

on some f***ing poseurs from Dwight.

Yo, we go to Birch

Wathen, a**hole! -Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

Some f***ing douche bags

from Birch Wathen, my bad.

What are you doing there?

You gotta get showered!

Well, Lena's not coming. And none of

our friends are coming either, okay?

And I left out the capper.

Because her dad says

he's gonna sue me

unless his lawyer can personally

administer an STD test.

My f***ing penis

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