Igby Goes Down

Why couldn't she have been

a f***ing smoker?

This has nothing to do with

her being in such wonderful shape.

The cause of our trouble

was our inability to come up with a drug...

...short of paint thinner, that would be

at least somewhat novel to her system.

She's built up a tolerance to everything.

A tolerance?

She's taking her f***ing afternoon nap.

Shut up, lgby!

We're fine.

It's all the f***ing tennis.

It's almost 6:
00.

Igby.

They'll do it, I don't know what it is,

but I know they'll do it,

- Let's all drink to Bay State...

- Let's drink to Julia, Have you met her yet?

If she's anything like her sister,,,,

We'll drink to Johnny and Julia and Bay

State Power and love and happiness and,,,,

Here you are,

For the love of Pete,

it's the Witch and Dopey,

I've never been up here before,

It's awfully quaint, isn't it?

We like it,

Dad, when are you going back to work?

Soon.

- You're not really sick anymore.

- No.

Not really sick.

But not completely well.

Not yet, I don't think.

- When will you be better?

- In the spring.

- The spring?

- I'm no good in the winter.

These gray days...

...they're so sad.

What about next winter?

Jason, tell me, dearest,

are you planning on bathing this week?

I beg your pardon?

It seems to have slipped

your mind last week.

- But I'm not dirty.

- No...

...dirty, I mean, you've done nothing that'd

make you dirty for quite some time now.

But you do reek, darling,

of tobacco, from your...

...yellow toenails to your yellow fingernails

to your yellow teeth...

...to your yellow hair.

Sorry to have offended.

Me?

A piece of gristle.

Not on an empty stomach, dear.

Excuse me.

Boys, your mother was quite right

to have chastised me,

Good personal hygiene...

...is one of the most essential disciplines

a man can have...

...in this world.

Chin-chin!

Don't indulge him anymore,

How can anyone be afraid of a clown?

Just leave him,

C'mon, old man,

This is no way to be on your birthday,

Everybody's gone home.

There's nobody left downstairs.

It's just you and me, now.

Hey.

It's just you and me, old man.

If Heaven is such a wonderful place,,,

...then how was getting crucified

such a big f***ing sacrifice?

Mrs. Slocumb,

it's wonderful to see you again.

I hope you drove.

No more beautiful place on God's earth...

...than Connecticut at Christmas time.

- Oliver drove me down from the city.

- Please.

Congratulations on Oliver.

I hear he's already established himself...

...as the cream of

the Columbia freshman crop.

We do take a lot of pride

in seeing our boys succeed.

But of course, we're here to discuss...

...Igby.

Honor roll? You flunked everything.

Not even a 'D' in art this time.

- Did you enjoy making me look like a fool?

- I dunno.

You don't know?

Poor Mrs. Slocumb doesn't have a clue

what old lgby is up to.

- Dithering, foolish lady. Did you enjoy that?

- I dunno.

- I beg your pardon?

- No!

Then what are you? A pathological liar?

I don't know.

You don't know? Liar! You little liar!

How dare you! And where were you when

your brother was flunking out of school?

I was in college.

Igby is not my fault.

Did you even, for a second...

...think about how this reflects upon me?

No.

I am not going to go through this again.

You had a chance. You flunked everything.

That's almost impressive. It really is.

You know what's going to

happen to you now, mister?

Do you know where your sterling

performance is going to take you now...

...little man?

Choate?

- Cadet report!

- Oh, sh*t!

Second watch is early.

Lights out!

In your bunks!

You heard him. Let's go!

All right, Mr. Patterson, lights out!

What part of "lights out"

don't you understand?

- Turtle! The spray!

- In your bunk, Mistletoe!

All right, Fredrick, you know the rules.

Turtle!

Both of you, lights out! In your bunks!

This is your godfather, Igby,

Are you listening to me?

This is the best thing that could have

happened to you, military school,

To get out of that comfortable world

you were raised in, Strike out on your own,

You know those East Coast country club

schools do you no good in the real world,

It might be tough now,

but it's gonna make you tough,

Unlike the rest

of your coddled contemporaries,

Fire!

And lgby goes down.

I bet you've made some real buddies,

Haven't you?

Igby has buddies.

- Haven't you got buddies?

- Many.

You have that buddy

with the cute little name.

- That little buddy, Tortoise.

- Turtle.

Turtle?

Turtle.

He was my best buddy.

Then his rifle backfired

and blew his face off.

We all learned a lesson

about weapon maintenance that day.

Why didn't the school inform me?

It wasn't the school's fault.

They were great about it.

Paid for the dry-cleaning and everything.

Not because they had to...

...but because it was the right thing to do.

I believe that certain people in life

are meant to fall by the wayside...

...to serve as warnings for the rest of us.

Signposts along the way.

To where?

Success.

Our father would be a "slippery when

schizophrenic" sign, for instance.

Along the highway of life.

This summer...

...I want you to come and work for me.

Work with my crew.

Renovate some of my New York properties.

You up to bein' exploited

by your old pal this summer?

- What do you say?

- Stay at your Hamptons summer house?

- On the weekends.

- I'm your man, sir.

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