If I Had a Million

I'm afraid we can't do anything today.

We're all upset. Mr Glidden, you know?

- Yeah, what's the latest report on him?

- He may die any moment.

I understand he's leaving his business

to his employees.

Where did you hear that?

Who told you? Did you get it straight?

Listen, uh...

It would be impossible for us

to make a decision in this.

Mr Glidden

always takes care of these things.

Oh, I see. You really think

he'll do something for you?

Huh? Oh, no.

I wouldn't dare drop any kind of a hint

or the old boy would cut me off.

No, I think dignified silence is best.

Just pretend I'm worried about him,

not thinking about the money.

Doctor, is Mr Glidden any better?

Well, his temperature's all right,

but his temper's terrible. I think...

- What? Again?

- Again.

- We drew his last will just two hours ago.

- What a man.

I don't wish him hard luck,

but if he is dying...

You wish he'd die

and be done with it?

Well, he's waiting for you.

You...

Don't talk to me

about my employees.

Dummies.

Idiots. Fools.

Not a business head

in the lot of them.

Bankrupt the whole business in a year.

Stupid cowards. No brains, no nerves.

Just a lot of sheep who do what I tell 'em.

When I'm not here to tell them,

they'll make a meal

for the first wolf that finds them.

- He's been going on like that for hours.

- Out of his head?

Who's out of whose head?!

Who said that I...

Where's my glasses?

Hey, you couldn't find a dumbbell...

- Now, Mr Glidden.

- "Now, Mr Glidden."

Shut up! I wish I was out of my head!

Then I wouldn't have the sense to worry.

No, Mr Glidden. There's nothing

to worry about. After all, things are...

Nothing to worry about?

I'm dying and I don't know of one man

in all the thousands that I employ

that's fit to leave in charge

of a peanut stand.

I wouldn't say that.

Your last will...

- My last will's no good!

- Mr Gli...

- You can't...

- I forbid you.

Oh, shut up, all of you!

Get away from me!

What do you know about a will anyhow?

You're only a lawyer.

Now, Mr Glidden,

you shouldn't exert yourself this way.

"Now, Mr Glidden."

I'm up, aren't I?

I walk.

Every time you leave the room, I walk.

I walked over there

just a little bit ago.

Nobody's gonna tell

John Glidden what to do.

What if it does kill me?

I'm gonna die anyhow.

Today, tomorrow,

what's the difference?

Now, just a moment

and I'll fix you up a...

Yes, I know what you'll fix me.

Ten drops

of the most marvellous sedative

ever discovered

by the medical profession.

Ten drops. One of these days

I'm gonna take 11 drops!

Or nine! And see what happens.

I don't want to be fixed, anyhow.

What I want to know is

who's going to take my place when I'm gone?

Well, if you're not satisfied

with your business associates,

perhaps you'd like to make

a more generous bequest to your relatives.

Relatives?

Ha! Relatives!

Did you see 'em

roosting down there like a lot of vultures

waiting for an old steer to die?

Relatives! It's the first time in my life

I saw them all together.

Relatives! Ha!

- Mr Glidden, you can't go out in the hall.

- I can't?

I've been out twice already

this morning. Yes.

And if the sight of those greedy

penny pinchers didn't kill me, well...

- Come on.

- Mr Glidden.

- Shut up, you quack!

- Well, I...

Look at 'em.

My relatives.

Pick out just one for me.

Pick out just one man, woman or child

that's fit to pick up where I leave off.

I'll be glad when you're dead,

you rascal, you

I'll be glad when you're dead,

you rascal

Johnny! Oh!

There. That kid's

the only honest one of the lot.

Huh!

For two cents,

I'd leave him my entire for...

No. I don't like

the shape of his head.

Nah.

No matter how I distribute my money

among them, they'll all be miserable.

Those that don't get anything

will be crying the rest of their lives.

Those that get plenty

will holler for more.

I wish I could collect

all of my money together in one pile

and burn every dollar of it.

- Mr Glidden!

- I do.

- Now, now.

- I do!

You don't really mean that,

Mr Glidden.

I do mean it, friend.

Every word of it.

I spent my whole life

building up a business,

amassing a fortune.

Now my life's coming to a close.

I want this business and this money

that I leave behind to mean something.

I want to give somebody

a chance for happiness. I don't care who.

I just want somebody

to have something worthwhile

out of what I spent my life

to accumulate.

That's my major dying desire.

And for the soul of me,

I don't know how to gratify it.

No. No, Mr Phelps,

we haven't placed an order yet.

Indeed, I'd be glad to see your firm is

considered, just as soon as Mr Glidden...

- Mr Glidden what?

- Why, uh, um... Mr Glidden, it was only...

Don't you lie to me.

I know!

You were talking to that Phelps,

that old tombstone peddler.

Well, don't you buy one of his tombstones

to put over me.

If you do, I'll come back and haunt him!

And you, too!

- Oh, if I could only get him to be quiet.

- How long do you think he has?

Ha-ha! I've got it!

- I've got it! Get me the city directory.

- Huh?

You heard!

The city directory.

I'll show those vultures.

Now what's he up to?

Well?

Why don't you ask me

what I'm going to do? You needn't bother.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to leave my money to strangers -

people I've never heard of,

people that don't expect it.

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