iCarly- iPilot  Season #1 Episode #1
Synopsis: Read and see
Genre: Comedy
Year:
2008
352 Views

Scene 1

Franklin:
HAHAHAHAHAHA...

Ridges:
Carly, get in here, right now.

Franklin:
Have a seat. So, I understand you put some fliers up all over the school.

Carly:
Yes, I did

Ridges:
Why would you photo doc my head onto a body of a rhinoceros?

Carly:
Well, I-

Franklin:
Rhinoceros? No, no, no, she made you a hippopotamus.

Carly:
No, no, she’s a rhinoceros. Hippopotamus’ have wider thighs and a wider snout-

Ridges:
Does it matter? I think we should call her father in to discuss this.

Carly:
My Dads stationed in Europe right now.

Franklin:
He’s in the military.

Ridges:
Well there must be some adult in charge of her.

Carly:
My older brother, Spencer.

Ridges:
Oh yes, the artist.

Carly:
He’s a great artist!

Franklin:
Look, we don’t need to call her brother in about this. I’m sure you can come up with a suitable punishment.

Ridges:
Hmm Fine. You know, Carly, I am in charge of the talent show this year.

Carly:
Yeah, you’re holding auditions on Saturday.

Ridges:
No, you are.

Carly:
HUH!

Ridges:
I will be enjoying my Saturday while you video tape the auditions for me!

Carly:
NO! I’m going to see The Cuddle Fish play live at the Gaghorn this Saturday!

Ridges:
Not anymore!

Carly:
AW, COME ON!

Ridges:
It’s what you get for turning me into a Hippopotamus!

Carly:
Rhinoceros...

Ridges:
GET OUT!

Carly:
Right!

Scene 2:

Boy:
AH! Let me go!

Sam:
Say you’re sorry!

Boy:
I’m sorry!

Sam:
And what are you sorry for?

Boy:
For saying you aggressive!

Sam:
And what am I again?

Boy:
Pretty and Sweet.

Sam:
Thank you! Now the next time you, Ow! Hair, hair, hair!

Carly:
Hi!

Sam:
Did you get in trouble?

Carly:
Of course I got in trouble! Teachers tend to get upset when you put their heads on the bodies of big fat animals! I-I can’t believe you talked me in to taking the blame for you!

Sam:
You had to! I’ve already been suspended once this semester! If I’d gotten busted they would have expelled me!

Carly:
Well here’s an idea.

Sam:
What?

Carly:
STOP DOING BAD THINGS!

Sam:
Hey, chilaxs!

Carly:
I will not chilaxs! And get excited, because you and I get to spend our entire Saturday here, videotaping kids’ auditions for the talent show!

Sam:
Whatev!

Carly:
You know, anybody but me would punch you right in the head!

Sam:
Which is why you are my best friend!

Carly:
Good to know. Now why are you mine?

Sam:
Because I’m a loveable person!

Scene 3

Freddie:
You dropped this!

Carly:
Thanks, but you-

Freddie:
I was going to walk you home but I couldn’t find ya! Hey!

Carly:
Freddie, where you just looking out your peep hole, waiting for me to come home?

Freddie:
No!

Carly:
Freddie?

Freddie:
Yes...

Carly:
I thought we talked about this! We can be bubs, but you gotta get over this crush thing.

Freddie:
I am over it, seriously! I’m in love you, you just wanna be friends and I’m totally cool living with that constant pain!

Carly:
Oh god! I’m home!

Spencer:
Hey, kiddo! Up here! Just taking some pics of this robot sculpture! Smile!

Carly:
You know, for most 8th Grade girls, if they came home and found their 26-year-old brother dangling upside-down from the ceiling over a giant robot made out of soda bottles, it would be weird.

Spencer:
You’re saying I’m abnormal.

Carly:
Do I need to say it? Come down from there before you hurt yourself!

Spencer:
No worries! I’ve got my led wrapped around this pipe- AHHHH! Please help me stand up.

Carly:
Are you alright?

Spencer:
Yeah- nope. I dislocated my shoulder again. One sec. Yep, that fixed her!

Carly:
Good. So listen, I need a favour.

Spencer:
Shoot.

Carly:
I have to tape a bunch of auditions at school on Saturday.

Spencer:
Fun!

Carly:
Yeah, not really! Anyway, would you let me borrow your video camera?

Spencer:
I would.

Carly:
Awesome!

Spencer:
Though, I can’t.

Carly:
Why not?

Spencer:
I made it into a squirrel.

Scene 4

Carly:
I told you the front door would be locked! You gotta go round to the blue door at the back of the- OH MY GOD!

Freddie:
Why do you think of my equipment?

Carly:
I just asked to borrow you video camera, what is all this?

Freddie:
Well that’s a free-ship high-DF camcorder with a hyper cardio and condenser microphone, mounted on carbon-fibre tripod with a low-drive fuel-head. I also brought you juice and a bagel!

Sam:
Hey! You invited the doof!

Freddie:
OH, Man! I didn’t know THAT was gonna be here!

Sam:
SHE! I’m a she Freddie, as in GIRL!

Freddie:
Just keep your hands off my AV equipment!

Sam:
You mean I can’t play with the white-balance on your superdy, duperdy camcorder?

Freddie:
Oh sure! Everybody jokes about the white-balance until their skin tones go magenta!

Sam:
Carly will never love you!

Freddie:
That’s it! I’m taking my stuff and I’m going home!

Carly:
Please stay!

Freddie:
Ok.

Scene 5

Carly:
Ok Jeb, are you ready to audition?

Boy:
Yeah, I will be performing a scene from the French play called la au em fem

Sam:
Ok...

Carly:
We don’t know what that means but knock us out! Rolling?

Freddie:
Rolling!

Boy:
But, but, where dud she go? I don’t know! But when will she be back? I don’t know! But where can I find her? I tell you, I do not know!

Carly:
Ok!

Sam:
Nice Job!

Carly:
Whoa, wow!

Sam:
What’d ya think?

Carly:
I don’t know!

Sam:
You don’t know?

Carly:
I tell you I do not know!

Sam:
But you must know!

Carly:
How can I know when I do not know!

Sam:
I don’t know!

Girl:
I will play the trumpet.

Carly:
Great!

Sam:
Nice!

Girl:
While hopping on this pogo stick.

Carly:
That’s what I’m talking about!

Sam:
Great!

Carly:
Keep going, girl!

Sam:
Good job Amber!

Boy:
So the Doc says, why’d you wait so long to bring her in? So I say, I like the eggs! HAHAHAHA

Carly & Sam:
HAHAHA

Carly:
That’s not funny.

Sam:
No, no. Not at all.

Carly:
No.

Sam:
But forget that! Can we please discuss the boy’s hair and glasses, he looks like Miss Ridges!

Carly:
Except he doesn’t have Miss Ridges crazy pointy boobs!

Sam:
I know, what is up with those!

Carly:
It’s like she stuffs waffle cones in her bra!

Sam:
Totally, she could poke an eye out with one of those things!

Carly:
Ok, ok, we better keep going; we still have 11 more kids to see.

Sam:
NO, 11!

Carly:
Calm down, it can’t get any worse! And, I was wrong!

Scene 6

Carly:
Sam? Sam? Wake up!

Sam:
What time is it?

Carly:
Late. What times your Mum coming to pick you up?

Sam:
She’s not. I told her you invited me to spend the night.

Carly:
I didn’t invite you to spend the night!

Sam:
Well you should cause I’m not leaving. What ya doing?

Carly:
Checking to make sure Freddie put the auditions online. I told him to upload them on Splash Face tonight so she could watch them in the morning.

Sam:
I kinda hate Miss Ridges. Do you remember when she called me a demon?

Carly:
NO!

Sam:
OH YEAH! Cause I put that raw chicken in her purse-

Carly:
SHUT UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS!

Sam:
What? Freddie didn’t upload the auditions?

Carly:
NO, HE UPLOADED US!

Sam:
WHAT!

Carly:
LOOK!

Sam:
That’s you and me!

Carly:
Sure is!

Sam:
He wasn’t supposed to film us! We were being goofy and acting like idiots all day!

Carly:
OMG! WE MADE FUN OF MISS RIDGES AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!

Sam:
Whoa, if she sees that!

Carly:
Anyone can see it! It’s on Splash Face!

Sam:
OK, Ok, chilax. Look, see the view count? Only 27 people have clicked on it.

Carly:
Oh. Ok, good. Sam?

Sam:
Yeah?

Carly:
THAT’S 27 THOUSAND!

Scene 7

Freddie:
AHHH! Quit it Sam! Let go of my foot! TOO MUCH FRICTION! Let go! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

Carly:
Why’d you film us at the auditions today?

Freddie:
Oh, cause you guys were being funny.

Sam:
Well you shouldn’t have put us online without our permission!

Freddie:
I didn’t! I edited you guys out before I uploaded the auditions!

Carly:
No, you did the opposite of that!

Freddie:
What? There’s no way I- uh oh.

Sam:
Yeah!

Carly:
Just take us off the site!

Freddie:
Ok, ok, just give a sec.

Carly:
Oh, this is so not good! Anyone, anyone in world can just click and see everything we did and said today!

Sam:
It’s so embarrassing, and if Miss Ridges sees that-

Carly:
Don’t even talk about it cause if she-

Freddie:
HA! Got it! See, it says at your request this video will be removed-

Sam:
Finally!

Freddie:
Tomorrow morning!

Carly:
Oh, man!

Sam:
Freddie!

Carly:
You know how many more thousands of people can view it by then?

Freddie:
ALRIGHT! Look, before you get all freaked out, Splash Face has message boards

Sam:
So...

Freddie:
So... let’s see what people are saying about the video. Umm... Ok, here’s one. Carly, you and your friend Sam crack me up! Funny stuff!

Carly:
Great so one kid thinks...

Freddie:
Wait... SlackerBoy314 writes: Carly and Sam, you chicks are HILARIOUS! When’s your next show? And this kid said: You guys are way better than most of the puke here an Splash Face!

Sam:
Wow, they love us!

Carly:
Yeah! More than puke!

Scene 8

Carly:
Where’s Miss Ridges? What if she saw it?

Sam:
The video was off by yesterday morning!

Carly:
But what if she saw it before it was off!

Sam:
It was Sunday, she was probably at church!

Carly:
WHAT CHURCH WOULD LET MISS RIDGES IN THE DOOR?!

Sam:
Shush, shush.

Ridges:
Hello Carly, Samantha.

Sam:
Howdy.

Carly:
Morning Miss Ridges! Um... we had some trouble putting the video online so here’s a DVD of every kid that auditioned on Saturday.

Ridges:
Thank you!

Carly:
Sure!

Ridges:
I’ll try not to poke on hole in this with my POINTY BOSOMS!

Sam:
She saw the video...

Carly:
We’re so sorry! Um, Miss Ridges?

Ridges:
WHAT?

Carly:
I typed up a list of all the kids we think should be in the talent show.

Ridges:
Snorting milk? Pogo stick hopping? These aren’t talents!

Sam:
They were the most funny kids to watch!

Ridges:
Goodbye.

Carly:
Wait, so you’re not gonna let any of the kids we picked to be in the show?

Miss Ridges:
Thats right, girls!

Carly:
NO-ONE ENJOYS THAT!

Scene 9

Carly:
I AM SO MAD!

Sam:
Me too! I need some ham!

Carly:
Seriously, Miss Ridges is the worst!

Sam:
You don’t gotta to convince me! I hated her even after she got that brown lump removed from her nose!

Carly:
I’ll tell you something! She’s is what’s wrong with the world!

Freddie:
Who’s what’s wrong with the world?

Carly:
Miss Ridges!

Freddie:
Oh, well hey! At least she got that brown lump removed taken off of her nose!

Carly:
I just hate it when adults like her can control what kids can do and see! I ticks me off!

Sam:
Why do they put a bone RIGHT in the middle of the ham?

Carly:
Remember all the stuff those kids wrote about us on the message boards?

Sam:
Yeah!

Carly:
Saying stuff like: you guys should upload more videos and when’s your next show and we want more? Let’s give them more!

Sam:
OK, what are we talking about here?

Carly:
Doing a web show! Online, every week!

Sam:
Why?

Carly:
Because it can be whatever we want it to be! No adults to say you can’t do this, you can’t do that! We can do whatever we want! Say whatever we want!

Sam:
Would it mean I would have to do work and stuff?

Carly:
Well, if you’re doing a show you have to prepare for it!

Sam:
Nah, we’ll make it your show. You do the work and I’ll just show up and be your amusing little sidekick.

Freddie:
Wait, what’s your show gonna be about?

Carly:
Anything! Something different ever week! But for the first show, kids with bizarre-o talents!

Sam:
Clever! Miss Ridges says no, no, no, we can yeah, yeah, yeah.

Freddie:
Hey, why don’t you guys call your show ICarly? You know, I, internet. Carly, you.

Sam:
I like it.

Carly:
ICarly’s cool.

Freddie:
And, um, you’re gonna need a technical producer, right? To set up the lights, audio, work the camera...

Sam:
AWW! He wants to be our geek!

Freddie:
You’ve got a big mouth lady!

Spencer:
Hey! Look what someone just left in the dumpster! Isn’t she amazing!

Carly:
Hey, can we use the third floor as kinda a TV studio?

Spencer:
Well, I don’t know-

Carly:
Thanks!

Sam:
You rock!

Freddie:
Later!

Spencer:
Hey, hey! Why do you need- Ok, later.

Scene 10

Freddie:
52 SECONDS!

Carly:
Sam, come on!

Sam:
Sorry, I had to pee!

Carly:
You always have to pee!

Sam:
Well, it’s either that or I explode!

Freddie:
45 SECONDS!

Carly:
We’re on our way up! You know what to do?

Sam:
Yes

Carly and Sam:
(Say what they do simultaneously)

Carly:
You got it?

Sam:
I’m down.

Freddie:
20 seconds.

Sam:
I look good?

Carly:
Perfect, me?

Sam:
Um, you got something in your teeth.

Carly:
WHAT? GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!

Freddie:
5,4,3,2!

Carly:
Hey there people of earth! I’m Carly Shay and this is our very first webcast on a little show we call iCarly!

Sam:
She’s Carly!

Carly:
She’s Sam!

Sam:
Sam I am!

Carly:
Carly, Sam.

Sam:
I think there clear!

Carly:
Demonstrate the thing!

Sam:
With this item, provided by our dorky friend Freddie.

Freddie:
That’s disrespectful!

Sam:
We can do this, and this, and this!

Carly:
OK! Tonight we’re goona show you some kids with super bizarre talents!

Sam:
Freak Show!

Carly:
Stop it. Ok, this first kid we’re gonna show you can take a glass of milk.

Sam:
This is so deliciously gross!

Carly:
Snort the milk up into this nose.

Sam:
It’s the best thing ever!

Carly:
And make the milk squirt out of his eyes!

Sam:
I wanna marry this boy!

Carly:
Lets bring him out! Simon Kendal!

Sam:
You’re up, dude!

Carly:
Ok, Simon, are you ready to blow people away with your freakish talent?

Sam:
Do it!

Simon:
Lets go.

Carly:
Drumroll

Carly and Sam:
AHHHHHHHHH!

Sam:
OK, this is insane!

Carly:
Tell the people your name!

Brandon:
Brandon Yeberly!

Sam:
Yeah Yeberly!

Carly:
OK, any word you say, Brandon can say backwards, perfectly!

Sam:
He’s a backwards talker!

Carly:
Check this out, Ointment!

Brandon:
Tnemtino!

Carly:
YES! Slippery watermelon!

Brandon:
Nolemretaw yreppils

Carly:
Do you hear this?

Sam:
We love this boy!

Carly:
OK, say I must be from the planet Jupiter because theres no other way I could be saying all this backwards!

Brandon:
sdrawkcab siht lla gniyas eb dluoc I yaw retho sereht esuaceb retipuJ tenalp eht morf eb tsum I

Carly and Sam:
AHHHHH!

Carly:
Did you hear that?

Sam:
Insanity!

Brandon:
Ytinasni!

Sam:
That enough, Brandon.

Sam:
Yeah, great job, wonderful! Wow, looking at that goat made me hungry!

Carly:
Well you can eat soon because the very first webcast of iCarly is almost over. No,no,no,no, don’t be sad! We’ve still got one kid with a weird talent! But first.

Sam:
Heres some things you need to know.

Carly:
If you liked our show, tell your friends!

Sam:
People you like.

Carly:
People you hate.

Sam:
All people of this planet!

Carly:
That we’re gonna online every week at iCarly.com

Sam:
In fact, next week, carlys gonna take my tonsils out right here!

Carly:
She’s lying!

Sam:
But how awesome would that be?! Oh and, if you wanna send us a video.

Carly:
Of you doing or saying anything cool.

Sam:
Telling a joke, eating a bug.

Carly:
Just email the video to us!

Sam:
Carly and me!

Carly:
Me and Sam!

Sam:
At iCarly.com!

Carly:
And if it’s cool enough.

Sam:
We’ll show it right here on iCarly!

Carly:
OK, our last freakishly talented girls name is Taren James, and shes about to play us out.

Sam:
With her trumpet.

Carly:
But with a little extra twist! Hit the button! Get out here, Taren!

Sam:
Well thanks for watching, tune in next time.

Carly:
Yeah!

Sam:
Oh my gosh, this is so much fun!

Freddie:
And were clear!

Sam:
YES, WE DID IT!

Scene 11:

Freddie:
Oh here it is!

Carly:
How many?

Freddie:
37,000!

All:
AHHHHHHHH!!!

Spencer:
Why are we happy?

Carly:
Because our very first web show rocked!

Sam:
And was watched by over 37,000 people!

Spencer:
Get out! My baby sisters a web star!

Sam:
Hey, we should have a party! You know, to celebrate!

All:
Yeah!

Spencer:
Yes, yes we should. But, it shouldn’t be a normal, regular party.

Carly:
Oh no!

Spencer:
I needs to be something different, something, wonderfully rare!

Carly:
Crazy hat party?

Sam:
Hey, cupcake!

Carly:
There you are! Nice hat!

Sam:
Back at ya!

Girl 1:
Hi, can we get your autograph?

Girl 2:
We love iCarly!

Girl 1:
Your web show!

Carly:
Um, sure.

Sam:
No problem!

Carly:
There you go!

Girl 1:
Thanks!

Carly:
No problem!

Girl 2:
I love you Carly!

Carly:
Wow, I just signed an autograph!

Sam:
Get used to it, iCarly’s a great show! You could get famous!

Carly:
Yeah, IDK if I’m gonna like that.

Boy 1:
Hey! We saw your web show! Pretty hot!

Carly:
Um, thanks.

Sam:
Yeah, thanks alot.

Boy 2:
So you guy wann dance?

Carly:
Yes!

Boy 1:
Cool lets do it!

Carly:
I’m gonna like it!

Boy:
HAHAHAHAHHA

Spencer:
Hey! Put her down! She’s not for you! Who invited you?

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"iCarly- iPilot" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2018. Web. 12 Nov. 2018. <https://www.scripts.com/script/icarly-_ipilot_24087>.

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