I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With

Synopsis: Life has its downs for James, living with his mom in Chicago at 39, an aging performer at Second City, eating and weighing too much. A woman he's been dating drops him, as does his agent, her brother. James turns down roles in local TV, roles that make him sad. Someone's remaking his favorite movie, "Marty," a role he'd love, but he doesn't even get an audition. He has a minor meltdown when talking at a grade school career day. Things look up when he meets the quirky Beth at an ice cream shop. Can James make a career for himself, move out from mom's, and find someone to eat cheese with? Or is he destined to watch Jackie Gleason and be Marty for the rest of his life?
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Director(s): Jeff Garlin
Production: IFC First Take
Rotten Tomatoes:
80 min


[Apple Crunches]

No can do, James.

- What do you mean "no can do"?

- You know why.

No, I don't. Tell me.

You're not supposed to eat this stuff.

Okay. Look.

Crisp $20 bill. Come on.

I can't do it.



I support you.

I come here.

I could go to those corporate stores.

No. I come to you,

the small businessman.

I'm here to see you.

Support you.

- Okay. One last time.

- One last time. Here you go.

- I got a question for you.

- What?

You got chocolate.

Why no rice pudding?

- Why don't I carry it?

- Yeah.

I don't like it.

In fact, I have an aversion to it.

So if you didn't like milk,

then you wouldn't carry milk.

If I don't like it,

how can I recommend it?

Well, I thank you, my friend.

Say hi to your mother.

You're going without saying good-bye?

I'm sorry, Ma. Good-bye.

You're not gonna

wear that shirt, are you?

- Don't you see that's not even a question?

- That shirt makes you look fat.

- That's because I am fat.

- You're not fat.

If anything, I make the shirt look fat.

Your snoring is getting louder.

I can hear it even with the door closed

and a pillow over my head.

I don't know what to tell ya.

- Bye, Ma.

- [Door Opens, Closes]


All right.

Here's your clipboard.

When you go in, you tell him

you're from the government.

- Right?

- From the government.

- What did I just say?

- From the government.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay. Why do I have an empty metal clipboard?

Because there's a hidden

microphone up there. See?

- Hold it high.

- Well, why is there no paper in it?

What do you know from paper?

Now go into the showroom

and ask for Bill Bango.

Then you ask Bill Bango,

'Are you the same Bill Bango...

"who used to ride hotrods

at Lake Geneva in the '70s?

'And we know that Bill Bango

knew someone named Vicki Seberg.

We know you had relations with Vicki Seberg,

and you have a long-lost daughter."


He's a prick car dealer.

What do you care?

Well, where are the cameras?


What are you, a producer now?


Never mind the cameras.


- dd[Muzak On Speakers]

- [Phone Rings]

- Can I help you?

- Yeah.

Uh, I'm looking for, uh, Bill Bango.

You mean Bill Bjango?

I thought it was Bango.

No. It's Bjango.

Bill Bjango. Bill Bjango,

customer to see you in the showroom.

Where did the term

"dealership" come from?

- I don't know.

- Just wondering.

What about tent sales?

What is it about tents

that make people wanna buy cars?



May I help you, sir?

- Bill Bango?

- It's Bjango.

Yeah. Um, Mr. Bjango,

I'm, uh, Rory Rorerson.

[Bjango On Headphones]

What can I do for you, Mr. Rorerson?


Uh, I'm from the government and, uh...

Are you the same Bill Bjango that raced

hotrods up at Lake Geneva in the '70s?

- That's me.

- Okay. Do you remember a woman...

named, uh, Vicki Seberg?

Vicki Seberg. Whoa.

- You know, I knew a lot of gals back then.

- Yeah, well, um...

here's where it gets a little bit messy.

It appears you had relations

with Miss Seberg back then, and, uh...

from that, um...

devil-may-care moment

came a, uh... a-a daughter.

Did you say I have... Did you say I have...

have a... have a daughter?

Yes. I also said "devil-may-care."

I said...

Cue the girl.

- Is she...

- Daddy!

- Oh.

- Oh, I have missed you.


Oh, my God.

This is great.

Oh, Daddy.

[Bjango Sobbing]

I don't know what...

what... what to say.

What to... What to say.

Mr. Bjango.

Mr. Bjango.

I'm, uh, not really from the government...

and, uh, she's not really your daughter.

- She's not... not my daughter?

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Jeff Garlin

Jeffrey Todd Garlin (born June 5, 1962) is an American comedian, actor, producer, director, and writer. He is widely known for playing Jeff Greene on the HBO show Curb Your Enthusiasm, Mort Meyers on Arrested Development for Fox and Netflix and the patriarch of the titular family in the ABC sitcom The Goldbergs. He has also appeared in Daddy Day Care, Wall-E, Toy Story 3 and Safety Not Guaranteed among other films and has hosted his own podcast on Earwolf since 2013. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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