I Declare War

Stay down.

Did you see anyone?

Go.

Down, down! I need a grenade!

One steamboat, two steamboats...

- three steamboats...

- Where are you guys? Come on!

Four steamboats...

five steamboats, six steamboats,

seven steamboats...

I need a f***in' grenade!

Nine steamboats...

Ten steamboats!

No, it's yours.

You're dead.

Kenney, have you

killed anyone else?

- No.

- Any of ours been killed?

No. I just saw Joker.

He's still alive.

- What about them?

- We know Scott's dead.

Yeah, who else?

Then we'll assume they're all alive.

I need to know where Quinn's base is.

You two, go on recon.

Check everywhere we've used before.

F*** that. We can find out right now.

Ow! Hey!

- Where's your base?

- Screw off!

You can't interrogate the dead!

Leave him alone.

What?

He's right. Once you're dead,

you go home.

You can't be interrogated.

It's a rule.

F*** the rules.

It's too hot for rules.

I'm not a cheater.

Go home, Scott.

I'm going to win fair and square.

You're going to lose,

fair and square.

Dude, this is P.K.

He doesn't lose.

Lose what? His virginity?

Huh. I heard

he lost it to your mom.

What did you say, ass-face?

Stop it, now!

I want a tactical strategy

assimilation in thirty minutes.

Now, go!

So, where the hell were you

when I was calling for help?

Kenney was there.

You didn't know he was there.

- Sure I did.

- Okay, yeah, well...

...you still sent me

out there to get shot, right?

To get Scott to come out?

Only because I knew Kenney

was there and Scott would be killed.

Don't worry, Paul. We're a team.

What are you doing after the war?

You're coming over, and we're eating

pizza and watching a movie.

What movie?

Patton?

- Again?

- Yes.

Now get out there

so that I can win this war.

- P.K.'s your best friend, right?

- Yeah.

He's kind of an a**hole.

- No, he's not.

- With all his stupid rules.

Oh, you think it's a coincidence

that he's won every single game

of war he's ever played?

C'mon, just follow your orders.

Find the base, then go back to P.K.?

That's the stupidest thing

I've ever heard.

If we find the base, let's just

kill everyone and take the flag!

Shut up! You think

Quinn doesn't have a plan?

He's been planning this war

against P.K. for months now.

You're gonna screw it all up.

- You're such a b*tch right now.

- No, I'm not!

You're P.K.'s b*tch.

I'm nobody's b*tch.

I'm gonna march

right into their base,

stick my gun right

in Quinn's stupid face,

blow his head off,

shoot everyone else,

grab the flag... aah!

Skinner.

Well, if it isn't some

of P.K.'s little soldiers...

and the general's best friend.

We rule.

Ow!

Hey!

- Grab his gun.

- What?

You can't do that.

Why? You gonna tell P.K. on us?

Kick him again, Sikorski.

Aagh!

Grab him.

A girl.

- You're a girl.

- Sorry.

I can help, though.

Sure.

You can be the arts

and crafts squadron.

Since when do girls even like war?

Actually, this is my first war.

God!

I dunno. I can appreciate war.

Strategy, tactics, stuff like that.

Like chess.

You play chess?

Yeah, I play a lot of chess.

Huh. Yeah, me too.

Hm. That's funny.

But don't get me wrong.

I'm serious.

I'll kill people.

I have killing techniques.

Like what?

Just, you know...

techniques.

Okay.

Let me show you something.

Cool.

Look at this.

Oh, you're kidding.

Nope.

- Did you build that?

- Yeah.

I mean, I got the idea

off the Internet, but I built it.

You get it, right? What it's for?

A bomb.

That's the bomb.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, it can only carry

the weight of one grenade.

What if you broke the amount

of paint up into two balloons?

- Or five?

- Thought of that.

But then the balloons

aren't heavy enough

to break open

when they land on someone.

What if you didn't tie them closed?

Yeah.

Just push the hook through the rubber,

and then when it retracts,

they get pushed off the hook and fall.

That's awesome.

That's really great.

Sorry about the arts

and crafts thing before.

It's okay. Sorry

about the a**hole thing.

When did you call me an a**hole?

I didn't. But I was thinking it.

We have to be ready for anything.

He could sap us.

What does that mean?

Dig a tunnel right under our position,

and then wham!

A hand sticks out of the ground

and smashes a blood grenade into you.

You're dead.

This is the first guy I've fought who...

who actually knows this stuff.

He's using tactics,

he's using strategy.

In a way, this is the first

real war I've ever fought.

Which is why I have to win it.

But you always win.

This is different.

This is the moment of truth,

a real test of what I'm good at.

You mean, being a know-it-all dick?

No, he means war.

Hey! You get picked last,

you don't talk back

to superior officers.

What the f*** are you wearing?

It's a bandolier. For shotgun shells.

For your toy air rifle?

Back off, Joker.

He's our priest.

- Our priest?

- That's right.

Every unit needs a priest.

To write letters home for the men

who have both arms broken.

Does he jerk them off, too?

- Hey!

- We need to be focused.

Besides, these are

against the rules, anyway.

I wasn't using it to call anybody.

You can have it back after the war.

What are you doing?

Sullivan!

Whoa.

You can't be here.

Ah, f*** your rules, P.K.

Look what they did to me.

You think they give a sh*t

about the rules?

I'm here to talk to Joker.

Fine. But only

about the rule violation.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes