Hurricane Bianca: From Russia with Hate

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1

[wolf howling]

(distant voices)

Deb or Deborah, never Debbie.

Leave the faggy ties

at home, okay?

I'm fuckin' this cat.

You just hold the legs.

Got it?

See you never, flame sauce.

[snoring]

She put the MILF

in Milford High.

Now, she's behind bars!

Debbie Ward, a former

Texas Teacher of the Year...

...tried to rig

last year's contest

so her daughter could win.

Ow! Shit!

Yeah, she kidnapped

her daughter's main rival,

a Miss Bianca del Rio,

who I was shocked

to find out was a dude.

She basically

got our teacher fired

for just being gay!

That's when the notorious

New York homosexual

returned to Milford High as

the fabulous Bianca del Rio.

Now she don't even

look like a woman!

What kind of unnatural woman?!

He's biting me!

(Reporter) A snake attack

at a local high school.

Did her breast implants

save her life?

[screaming]

Then Miss del Rio

got her revenge,

and it was so good.

This is not true!

This is a conspiracy!

Vice Principal Deborah Ward

exposed as

the infamous Miss First.

Taker of underaged

male virginities.

Okay, you don't have to push me.

That tampering Texas temptress,

Debbie Ward,

maintains her innocence.

And to this day insists that

Bianca del Rio, not she...

...is the one who should be

locked up in the County Jail.

Lock her up!

Lock her up!

Rise and shine, bitch!

[gasps]

What are you doin' here?

You wanted me punished?

Well, here I am.

Who'd have thought

they'd make us cellmates.

Life's pretty fucked up,

isn't it?

This can't be happenin'.

We're gonna be prison pals.

We're gonna eat together.

We're gonna sleep

in the same cell.

We're gonna watch

each other on the toilet.

Help! Someone get me

out of here!

We're gonna be together

a long time, you and I.

No hard feelings, Debbie.

I might even

give you a makeover.

You'd look really pretty bald.

[chuckles]

Now, make sure

no one's coming,

cause I've got to take

a huge dump,

and boy is it is gonna stink!

[screaming loudly]

Bianca!

One more night terror

for the road, I guess.

Lucky you.

Now get up.

Time for your release.

Take a seat.

We just have some forms

for you to fill out and, uh,

a little somethin' special

before you go.

I just want to thank you.

This whole experience has

been a revelation for me.

I'm a new woman.

Sure you are.

You know I was worried that

bein' in solitary for so long

that you might have missed out

on some of the pleasures

that prison life has to offer.

Oh, but I didn't.

That first night in solitary,

with the cockroaches

crawling around my ears,

I didn't think

I was gonna make it.

But then, I saw him.

Saw who?

My Lord and Savior,

Jesus Christ.

I smashed a cockroach up against

the wall with my bare hands

and there he was

in the goo, the face of Jesus!

And right then,

I knew I was born again.

Again.

Okay, I don't think

that's a thing.

Oh, it is.

I baptized myself in

the toilet just to be sure.

And now that I'm gettin' out,

I'm gonna do the work

God intended me to do.

Charity shit or somethin'?

I'm gonna kill Bianca del Rio!

Excuse me?

With kindness.

I'm gonna kill her

with Christian kindness.

That's one crazy bitch.

She can't even spell.

Look at this shit.

[thunder rumbling]

Watch out, Bianca del Rio.

[smacks lips]

I'm comin' for ya!

Isn't anyone gonna pick me up?

Ow! No!

[maniacal laughter]

[school bell ringing]

No, no, Melanie.

I'm pretty sure

that the Earth is round.

- Hey, Mr. Martinez?

- Uh, yeah.

Can you tell me

about Sputnik again?

Oh, look at you,

taking interest in class.

Isn't Sputnik

Russian for potato?

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