Hotel Splendide

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR:
The Hotel Splendide

is a unique and marvelous place.

It's an ideal spot to

rest or convalesce,

with full hydro spa facilities,

no shortage of fresh fish,

and a friendly

family atmosphere,

which hasn't changed since

Mrs. Blanche died last year.

I've learned many things during

my stay at the Splendide.

I've learned to

always chew my food,

and that every cloud has

a lining of some sort.

Maybe it's being so remote from

the outside world that allows

me to see things this clearly.

Desmond says that the great

thing about family run hotels

is continuity.

After his mother died,

Desmond took over as manager.

And he's made no changes

that I can detect,

so he must be right about that.

FEMALE VOICE:
Taking small bites

and producing plenty of saliva

to aid digestion.

Chewing, chewing,

chewing, chewing,

until the food is reduced

to an even, watery puree.

NARRATOR:
Mrs. Blance recorded

her theories on healthy eating

just before she passed on.

I can't help wishing she'd died

just that little bit sooner,

and not had time to make

the record before she went.

Desmond's brother,

Ronald, is cook,

and has created a

distinctive cuisine

based on seaweed and eels.

Their sister, Cora, runs

the hydro treatments.

And Morton Blanche retired

the day his wife died,

finally surrendering to

chronic constipation.

Continuity, or change.

I think sometimes change

begins with a fellow there.

A sound you've heard 100

times seems different,

and in a moment, the

world's turned upside down.

Stanley!

MALE VOICE:
Of the

family [INAUDIBLE],

and originating in Egypt.

What was that?

MALE VOICE:
I'll

have to hurry you.

How come the... how come

the... how come the...

MALE VOICE:
The common cucumber.

NARRATOR:
There's a time

and a place for everything,

Desmond says.

That's the beauty of routine.

All as it should be?

Yes, Desmond.

Oh my god.

Yes.

At last.

Oh, at last!

Oh!

NARRATOR:
I can't remember the

last time a guest arrived here.

In fact, I think it was me.

But I'm certain

of one thing... no

one who left has ever returned.

Why would they?

Mr. Blanche.

Yes, thank you.

So she's dead?

Yes.

Her heart.

Last year.

Let's talk in my office.

Sh*t.

You know, I think I've got

just the thing for that.

Now, it might sting a

little, but it works.

What happened to all the guests?

We still have them.

Just less of the riffraff.

Well, I'll need a room.

Well, I'm afraid that's

out of the question.

Well, we'll see what your

brother has to say about that.

Best to leave him be.

That's what you think.

Still using the slash

and spread method, I see.

Remind them, Mummy.

FEMALE VOICE:
Desire,

like appetite,

is a disease to be tamed.

All corruption, both

physical and moral,

emanates from the mouth.

What the hell is she doing here?

Quite.

She can't stay, Desmond.

I want her out of here!

Absolutely.

However, month till

the next ferry.

That's her problem.

Get rid of her, now.

Of course, Ronald.

But there is the

matter of decorum.

I mean, have you thought

about what the guests

are going to make of this?

Sod the guests!

And sod you!

[CLATTERING]

Look at you.

Don't give me that look.

You hurt him terribly.

What, so he invites me back

here and gets his revenge?

What are you talking about?

The note.

That the queen of

the harpies was dead.

But why would he send you this?

It doesn't make sense.

Well, Cora, um... we were close.

Maybe that's why he never

forgave you for running away?

It was monstrous of her

to return, we all agree,

but he's turned it into

a public spectacle.

An embarrassment to the hotel.

Ronnie's had a bit

of a shock, but we

can help him to come around

if we all stick together.

Daddy, this is improper.

He cannot be

allowed to interfere

in management decisions.

Marvelous stew.

Chicken, was it?

That's right.

Long, black, slippery

sea chickens.

And what did you get?

A drumstick?

We're trying to find

a solution, Ronnie.

She thought you

invited her back.

Right.

Well, she can stay

until the ferry,

but she doesn't

move from her room.

Well, uh... I wouldn't be the

first guest to welcome you,

then?

Stanley.

Stanley Smith.

Kath.

So why are you here?

For the hydrotherapy?

Hydrotherapy?

No, no, no, no.

No.

I'm excused.

Morton says you

used to work here.

Is that right?

Did you work here?

Yeah, about 1,000 years ago.

I was sous chef.

Sous chef.

Sous chef, of course.

Of course.

So, why did you

have to leave, then?

Did something happen?

Um... yeah.

It did.

It did.

It did.

Yeah.

Um... there was a... a

difference of opinion with,

um... the management.

With Ronald?

Is that why you're so angry?

No.

Not with him.

Never with him.

Be careful here.

You know, the spray... spray

could come in at any time.

Be careful.

I'm to take you to your room.

[SIGH]

Hi, Sergei.

Hello.

Welcome back.

NARRATOR:
The

first day of winter

is now very special

at the Splendide,

as it marks the ceremony of

the heating being fired up.

I think it's an omen

of a sort, that Cath

arrived on this very day.

Though I'm not sure

it was a good one.

In memory of our beloved

Mummy, on the first anniversary

of her passing.

[RATTLING]

Mr. Lyme?

[SCREAMING]

It's on.

What are you looking at?

Get your thumb out of your

ass, and them dishes washed.

Oh, but please, wash

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