Horse Feathers

And so, in retiring as president

of this college,

it is indeed a painful task

to bid you all goodbye.

And now, with the utmost pleasure,

may I present the man who is to guide

the destiny of this great institution:

Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff!

Professor, it is an honor

to welcome you to Huxley College.

Never mind that, hold this coat.

By the way, there's no smoking.

That's what you said.

It would please the faculty

if you would throw your cigar away.

The faculty can keep their seats.

There'll be no diving for this cigar.

Members of the faculty,

faculty members,

students of Huxley

and Huxley students!

I guess that covers everything.

I thought my razor was dull

until I heard his speech.

Which reminds me of a story so dirty

I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

As I look at your faces, I understand

why this college is flat on its back.

At my last college, it was slightly

different. I was flat on my back.

Things went from bad to worse,

but we all pulled together,

and soon I was flat on my back again.

Any questions? Any answers?

Any rags? Any bones?

Any bottles today? And rags...

Let's have some action around here.

Who'll say 76? Who'll say 1776?

That's the spirit! 1776!

You'd like to know why I'm here.

I came here to get my son out.

I remember the day he left:

A mere boy and a beardless youth.

I kissed them both goodbye.

By the way, where is my son?

Young lady, would you get up

so I can see the son rise?

So, doing your homework in school, eh?

- Hello, old-timer!

I'm sure the students would appreciate

an outline of your future plans.

What? - I said they would appreciate

an outline of your future plans.

You just said that. That's the trouble

around here:
Talk, talk, talk.

I think I must go mad. Where will it

all end? What is it getting you?

Go home to your wife.

No, I'll go home to your wife.

Outside of the improvement,

she'll never know the difference.

Pull over to the side of the road

and let me see your marriage licence.

President Wagstaff, now that you

have stepped into my shoes...

Oh, is that what I stepped in?

At least you could have cleaned them.

- The trustees have a few suggestions.

I think you know what the trustees

can do with their suggestions.

"I don't know what they have to say,

it makes no difference anyway,

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

No matter what it is and who

commenced it, I'm against it.

Your proposition may be good, but

let's have one thing understood.

I'm against it!

And even when you've changed it

or condensed it, I'm against it.

I'm opposed to it.

On general principles opposed to it."

"He's opposed to it. In fact it seems

that he's opposed to it!"

"For months before my son was born,

I used to yell from night to morn:

Whatever it is, I'm against it!

And I've kept yelling since I first

commenced it:
I'm against it!"

"Knowing Dad as I do,

I'd not advise you

to displease him, or tease him.

No, no!

Don't double-cross him

or toss him around.

When dear old Dad once gets mad

he's a hound!"

"My son is right, I'm quick to fight,

I'm from a fighting clan.

When I'm abused or badly used,

I always get my man.

No matter if he's in

Peru, Peduka or Japan,

I go ahead, alive or dead,

I always get my man."

"He goes ahead, alive or dead,

he always gets his man."

"I soon dispose of all of those

who put me on the pan.

As Shakespeare said to Nathan Hale:

I always get my man."

"He always gets his man!"

"That's what I said."

- "He always gets his man!"

"That's what I mean."

- "He always gets his man!"

"You're telling me?" - "He always gets

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes