
Horrible Bosses
I get to work before the sun comes up
and I leave long after it's gone down.
I haven't had sex in six months
with someone other than myself.
And the only thing in my refrigerator
is an old lime.
Could be a kiwi. No way to tell.
- Morning, Thomas.
-Good morning, Nick. You better hurry.
But here's the thing:
This is just temporary.
Quick story:
My grandmother came to this country
with $20 in her pocket.
She worked hard her whole life
and never took shit from anyone.
When she died, she had
turned that $20 into $2000.
That sucks.
You know why she didn't succeed?
Because she didn't take shit
from anyone.
The key to success--
They will not teach you this
in business school. --is taking shit.
That's what I've been doing the last
eight years, and it's all about to pay off.
This is Nick.
I'm this close to getting a big promotion
with my own office.
I'll be right there, Mr. Harken.
Then all the endless hours,
and the sacrifice and the shit-eating...
...will have been worth it.
See, this is what concerns me, Nick.
You're a punctual guy. You know
the importance of being here right at 6 a.m.
Which is what leads me to think that...
...there must be something wrong
with the clock on our system.
May have been a minute late.
But according to this, you were
two minutes late. So either you're a liar...
...or this system is off by a full minute.
The only hitch?
I work for this guy, David Harken...
...who right now is giving me some
fresh shit for being two minutes late.
If that's the case, I'm gonna have to fire
Thomas, our longtime security coordinator.
- I may have been two minutes late.
- Oh.
Well, then you were lying.
No. I-- Who you calling?
- Thomas. I gotta let him go.
- No, uh--
- I was lying. Sorry.
- Lying?
I didn't mean to. It was more of a saying.
"Might have been a minute late."
Literally, uh, truthfully,
was two minutes late.
Boy, I have to get used to driving
with this big, heavy ring on my finger.
- Come on.
- I keep swerving to the left, babe.
When I was a kid, people would
ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I always gave the same answer.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
I wanted to be a husband.
- I will call you when I'm done.
- Have a good day.
I know that sounds weird.
Most boys wanna be firehouse chiefs
or personal trainers...
...but to me being a husband
was, like, the highest calling.
And thanks to Stacy...
...that dream's about to come true.
Unfortunately, no one's gonna pay you
to be a husband unless you marry Oprah.
So I had to find a job.
Now, I always admired dentists.
They're smart, they're capable,
they keep your teeth healthy.
So I went out and I became one.
- How are you today, Dale?
- I'm fine. Thanks.
Excavator.
Okay, I became a dental assistant.
It's basically the same thing.
I just make a lot less money.
Did you ever see that show Gossip Girl?
- No.
- Ooh.
I watched an episode last night.
I fingered myself so hard to that
Penn Badgley guy, I broke a nail.
And it would have been
the perfect job. If not for one...
...evil crazy bitch, D.D.S.
I bet you're no shrimp in
the cock department, huh, there, Dale?
- Okay, Julia. Come on.
- What?
- I'm uncomfortable talking about that.
- Oh, Dale, come on.
You know that I like to fool around.
- Oops.
-Mr. Anderton.
Not in the office. This is bad.
- Bad, bad, bad!
- You probably shouldn't hit the patients.
Ah, I love this. So festive.
I love my job.
If you ask me, anyone who hates their job
has no one to blame but themself.
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Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"Horrible Bosses" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 26 Feb. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/horrible_bosses_10171>.