Horrible Bosses

Synopsis: Nick hates his boss, mostly because he's expected to work from before sunrise to after sunset and his boss, Mr. Harken, calls him out for being a minute late and blackmails him so he can't quit. Dale hates his boss, Dr. Julia Harris, because she makes unwelcome sexual advances when he's about to get married. But Dale is on that pesky list of child offenders so he can't quit. Kurt actually likes his job and his boss, well, up until his boss dies and the boss's coked-out, psychopathic son takes over. But who would be crazy enough to quit their jobs in such poor economic times? Instead Nick, Dale and Kurt drunkenly and hypothetically discuss how to kill their bosses, and before they know it, they've hired a murder consultant to help them pull off the three deeds.
Genre: Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Seth Gordon
Production: Warner Bros. Pictures
  3 wins & 11 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
98 min

I get to work before the sun comes up

and I leave long after it's gone down.

I haven't had sex in six months

with someone other than myself.

And the only thing in my refrigerator

is an old lime.

Could be a kiwi. No way to tell.

- Morning, Thomas.

-Good morning, Nick. You better hurry.

But here's the thing:

This is just temporary.

Quick story:

My grandmother came to this country

with $20 in her pocket.

She worked hard her whole life

and never took sh*t from anyone.

When she died, she had

turned that $20 into $2000.

That sucks.

You know why she didn't succeed?

Because she didn't take sh*t

from anyone.

The key to success--

They will not teach you this

in business school. --is taking sh*t.

That's what I've been doing the last

eight years, and it's all about to pay off.

This is Nick.

I'm this close to getting a big promotion

with my own office.

I'll be right there, Mr. Harken.

Then all the endless hours,

and the sacrifice and the sh*t-eating...

...will have been worth it.

See, this is what concerns me, Nick.

You're a punctual guy. You know

the importance of being here right at 6 a.m.

Which is what leads me to think that...

...there must be something wrong

with the clock on our system.

May have been a minute late.

But according to this, you were

two minutes late. So either you're a liar...

...or this system is off by a full minute.

The only hitch?

I work for this guy, David Harken...

...who right now is giving me some

fresh sh*t for being two minutes late.

He's a total f***ing a**hole.

If that's the case, I'm gonna have to fire

Thomas, our longtime security coordinator.

- I may have been two minutes late.

- Oh.

Well, then you were lying.

No. I-- Who you calling?

- Thomas. I gotta let him go.

- No, uh--

- I was lying. Sorry.

- Lying?

I didn't mean to. It was more of a saying.

"Might have been a minute late."

Literally, uh, truthfully,

was two minutes late.

Boy, I have to get used to driving

with this big, heavy ring on my finger.

- Come on.

- I keep swerving to the left, babe.

When I was a kid, people would

ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I always gave the same answer.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

I wanted to be a husband.

- I will call you when I'm done.

- Have a good day.

I know that sounds weird.

Most boys wanna be firehouse chiefs

or personal trainers...

...but to me being a husband

was, like, the highest calling.

And thanks to Stacy...

...that dream's about to come true.

Unfortunately, no one's gonna pay you

to be a husband unless you marry Oprah.

So I had to find a job.

Now, I always admired dentists.

They're smart, they're capable,

they keep your teeth healthy.

So I went out and I became one.

- How are you today, Dale?

- I'm fine. Thanks.


Okay, I became a dental assistant.

It's basically the same thing.

I just make a lot less money.

Did you ever see that show Gossip Girl?

- No.

- Ooh.

I watched an episode last night.

I fingered myself so hard to that

Penn Badgley guy, I broke a nail.

And it would have been

the perfect job. If not for one...

...evil crazy b*tch, D.D.S.

I bet you're no shrimp in

the cock department, huh, there, Dale?

- Okay, Julia. Come on.

- What?

- I'm uncomfortable talking about that.

- Oh, Dale, come on.

You know that I like to fool around.

- Oops.

-Mr. Anderton.

Not in the office. This is bad.

- Bad, bad, bad!

- You probably shouldn't hit the patients.

Ah, I love this. So festive.

I love my job.

If you ask me, anyone who hates their job

has no one to blame but themself.

Rate this script:(4.50 / 2 votes)

Michael Markowitz

Michael Markowitz (born August 15, 1961) is a writer, producer, and actor who began his comedy career in The Mee-Ow Show, an improv group at Northwestern University. Some projects he has worked on include Duckman, Becker, and the films Horrible Bosses, Horrible Bosses 2 and Boob Job. He has collaborated several times in the past with Jason Alexander. As an actor, he appeared in the films The Flamingo Kid and Last Resort, and the TV shows Becker and World Cup Comedy. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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