Heavenly Match

---

AT THIS SMALL CONGREGATION

KNOWN AS:

"CHURCH OF THE SHEPHERD,"

LOVE IS ALL AROUND.

[]

MARRIAGE:

IS A LIFETIME COMMITMEN I'VE ALWAYS WANTED.

I WONDER, WILL I EVER BE

ON THE RECEIVING END

OF THE WEDDING VOWS?

A DEEP CONNECTION

THROUGH ALL:

THE SLINGS AND ARROWS

OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE.

NO MORE LONELINESS.

NO MORE ISOLATION.

I GIVE YOU THIS RING

AS A SYMBOL OF MY LOVE.

A 30-YEAR-OLD SINGLE MINISTER

LIVES IN DATING SIBERIA.

I GIVE YOU THIS RING

AS A SYMBOL OF MY LOVE.

THE WEDDING RING

IS A SYMBOL:

OF THE ENDURING PROMISES

THAT DAN AND STACY

HAVE MADE ON THIS DAY.

IN AS MUCH:

AS YOU HAVE EXCHANGED YOUR VOWS

AND YOUR RINGS,

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU

MAN AND WIFE.

WHAT GOD HAS BROUGHT TOGETHER

LET NO ONE TAKE APART.

DAN, YOU MAY KISS YOUR BRIDE.

IN THE MIDDLE:

OF MY LITTLE MESS

I FORGE HOW BIG I'M BLESSED

THIS IS THE STUFF

THAT GETS UNDER MY SKIN

BUT I'VE GOTTA TRUST

YOU KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT YOU'RE DOING

MIGHT NOT BE:

WHAT I WOULD CHOOSE

BUT THIS IS THE STUFF

YOU USE:

THE KISS STARTS TO TAKE ON

BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS.

FINALLY, THEY COME UP FOR AIR

AND I CAN PRESENT THEM.

I'VE GOT A NEW APPRECIATION

IT'S NO THE END OF THE WORLD

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

ANOTHER WEDDING RECEPTION SOLO,

BUT THIS IS THE LAST ONE.

SOON, I'LL BE FREE.

[]

I'VE LEARNED THE HARD WAY

THAT I DON'T BELONG

IN THE MINISTRY.

[APPLAUSE]

YOU DID A FINE JOB

FILLING IN FOR:

REVEREND BLACK.

OH, THANK YOU, MRS. SANDERSON.

A NICE GIRL LIKE YOU

OUGHT TO BE MARRIED BY NOW.

AREN'T YOU SWEET?

YOU KNOW, NEXT WEEK

IS VALENTINE'S DAY.

DO YOU HAVE A DATE?

NO. NOT YET.

[APPLAUSE]

THE STRANGE REALITY

OF BEING A MINISTER

IS THAT YOUR LIFE

BECOMES THE BUSINESS

OF YOUR CONGREGATION.

THEY HAVE A STAKE IN YOU.

IF YOU MESS UP,

IT REFLECTS ON THEM,

SO YOU GO THROUGH YOUR DAYS

IN A SORT OF:

BEHAVIORAL STRAITJACKE THAT KEEPS YOU

FROM TRAUMATIZING YOURSELF

OR ANYONE ELSE.

I'LL BE GLAD

TO LEAVE THAT BEHIND.

TAKE IT EASY, HART.

PEOPLE WILL THINK

YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING.

MRS. SANDERSON,

THIS IS:

REVEREND DAVID SWENSON,

ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS

FROM DIVINITY SCHOOL.

-NICE TO MEET YOU.

-AS WELL.

I HAVEN'T TOLD DAVID

ABOUT MY DECISION

TO LEAVE THE MINISTRY.

HE'S NOT GOING TO LIKE IT.

NICE JOB:

ON THE NUPTIALS.

THANKS.

DO THEY LE THE ASSOCIATE MINISTER

DO MANY WEDDINGS OVER THERE

AT THE CHURCH FOR THE SHEEP?

HA-HA. VERY FUNNY.

I'M JUST A TEMPORARY FILL-IN

FOR REVEREND BLACK.

AH, YES,

REVEREND BLACK'S

GOLF INJURY.

AND HOW GOES THE RECOVERY

FOR THE GOOD REVEREND?

DOING VERY WELL, ACTUALLY.

HE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

THE BRIDE'S FOLKS

ARE MEMBERS OF THE CONGREGATION

AT ST. HELGA'S.

AND...

IT'S A GOOD THING FOR YOU

THAT I'M HERE,

BECAUSE I MIGHT BE

THE ONLY PERSON UNDER 70

TO ASK YOU TO DANCE.

OH, NO, NO,

NO, NO, NO.

YEAH, AS I RECALL

YOUR WALTZ IS:

A CRIMINAL OFFENSE

IN 10 STATES. HEY!

THAT'S ASSAULT, SWENSON.

THEN YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE

TO HAVE ME ARRESTED?

COME ON.

SO HOW WAS YOUR DATE?

IT WAS GREAT,

UNTIL I WAS FORCED TO REVEAL

WHAT I DID FOR A LIVING.

SHE KEPT LOOKING AT ME

LIKE I WAS A FREAK OF NATURE.

AND YOUR POINT IS?

DO I NEED:

TO HIT YOU AGAIN?

OH, LOOK.

THAT'S OLIVIA TOMPKINS.

SHE'S ONE OF OUR LARGES FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTORS,

BUT ALSO OUR BIGGEST GOSSIP,

SO I HAVE NO DOUB THAT OUR DANCE WILL BE

THE TOPIC OF CONVERSATION

AT THE NEXT WOMEN'S AUXILIARY.

WE'RE REALLY

JUST TWO PREACHERS

TRYING TO PASS:

FOR NORMAL PEOPLE.

OOH. YUM.

YOU KNOW,

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE

TO EAT THE ENTIRE KITCHEN

AND NOT GAIN AN OUNCE.

I REALLY RESENT THAT ABOUT YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO

TOMORROW NIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW,

WATCHING TV...

ORDERING A PIZZA.

IF I'M FEELING

TRULY ADVENTUROUS,

ONE WITH:

EVERYTHING ON IT.

HOW ABOUT A MOVIE?

NOT IF IT INVOLVES

WATCHING A COUPLE

OF TESTOSTERONE-CHALLENGED

MEN BLOWING UP THINGS.

OKAY, AND WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?

OH, NO, WAIT.

LET ME GUESS.

A ROMANTIC COMEDY?

ISN'T THERE A MOVIE

LIKE "PRIDE AND PREJUDICE"

MEETS "THE MATRIX"?

NO.

OKAY, FINE,

BUT ONLY IF YOU'RE PAYING.

DEAL.

"YOU'RE SO LOVELY.

YOU SHOULD BE MARRIED BY NOW."

YOU FEEL LIKE:

A DESPERATE, OLD SPINSTER.

DO YOU KNOW THA THE PARISHIONERS AT MY CHURCH

ARE NO LONGER:

BETTING ON MY LOVE LIFE,

BUT ARE ACTUALLY

PRAYING FOR IT?

WELL, I WOULDN'T BE CONCERNED

UNTIL THEY START ORGANIZING

24-HOUR PRAYER VIGILS.

MY OTHER BEST FRIEND

SINCE DIVINITY SCHOOL,

THE REVEREND LARONDA MASON.

I HAVEN'T TOLD RONNIE

ABOUT MY DECISION TO LEAVE

THE MINISTRY YET EITHER.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE THE LOOK

OF DISAPPOINTMENT ON HER FACE.

DO YOU MIND:

IF WE HAVE THE CHECK?

THANK YOU.

SO WHEN IS PASTOR BLACK

GOING TO BE BACK IN COMMAND

OF THE PULPIT?

NEXT WEEK, I'LL BE BACK

TO BEING AN ASSOCIATE,

WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH

LIKE BEING TANTALUS

FROM GREEK MYTHOLOGY.

WHO WAS TANTALUS?

HE'S THE GUY

WHO HUNGERS IN THE UNDERWORLD

WITH FOOD:

FOREVER BEYOND HIS REACH.

THAT SOUNDS:

LIKE ME NEXT WEEK

AFTER I STAR MY NEW FITNESS PROGRAM.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME,

THIS APPLE PIE LOOKS--

OH, YES. PLEASE DO.

AMAZING.

YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE

BEING A MINISTER

LOOK LIKE A CAKEWALK.

YOU GOT YOUR CONGREGATION

TO BUILD A 1,500-SEAT SANCTUARY

AND PARTNER WITH

A SISTER CHURCH IN AFRICA.

IT'S AMAZING.

YES, I'M A PREACHER'S KID,

BUT IT'S STILL FEELS LIKE

I'M HAULING MYSELF

UP MOUNT EVERES WITH MY LEGS TIED EVERY DAY.

THE LAST TIME:

I TRUSTED A CHURCH,

I GOT FIRED AND HUMILIATED.

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