EXT. PATROL CAR, SCAMMONDEN ROAD. EVENING 7. 17.15 1

Dusk. KIRSTEN drives along Scammonden road. She can’t talk

for laughing. She’s on her radio to CATHERINE (point to

point:
that means no-one else can hear their conversation).

All fast and daft and over-lapping

KIRSTEN:

(eyes lit up, delighted)

You are kidding me!

Cutting as and when with:

CUT TO:

2

INT. NORLAND ROAD POLICE STATION, CATHERINE’S DESK. 2

EVENING 7. 17.16

CATHERINE:

Not.

KIRSTEN:

You’re lying.

CATHERINE:

Nope.

KIRSTEN:

That’s disgusting.

CATHERINE’s at her desk, staring at her computer screen

(which she’s bored with), and listening to KIRSTEN (which

she’s much more amused by - )

CATHERINE:

Is it? Why? You think about it. If

you’re in love with a sheep, surely

the most natural thing in the

world‘d be to want to shag its

brains out.

KIRSTEN:

No you are, you’re winding me up.

CATHERINE:

They don’t call it animal husbandry

for nothing. Why d’you think they

wear wellies? Farmers. Forget the

mud. It’s to slot the sheep’s hind

legs down

KIRSTEN:

It is not!

HAPPY VALLEY. EPISODE THREE. BY SALLY WAINWRIGHT 2.

CATHERINE:

-and keep ‘em rrrrigid while

you’re giving ‘em one up the bee-

hind.

KIRSTEN:

Oh (

posh voice a la Siobhan

Sharpe from 2012)

shut up.

Pron. ‘shot op’.

CATHERINE:

Do you not know anything about the

countryside? Do you honestly think

they’d waste time legislating

against it if it didn’t really

happen?

KIRSTEN:

I suppose I’m attracted to Ollie,

and he’s a bit of a beast.

CATHERINE:

Well there you go, y’see. It takes

all sorts, I rest my case. If

y’didn’t want to see the funny side

you should never’ve joined the

police force. Service. Force.

KIRSTEN:

I have to say, Mr.Kershaw was

unusually upset about being told

one of his sheep had been knocked

down at side o’ t’road.

CATHERINE:

They always are! I’m telling you,

it’s a very special relationship

these farmers have with their

sheep. Draw your own conclusions.

KIRSTEN’s come to a halt as a T-junction. A white van speeds

past in front of her.

KIRSTEN:

Oooh! Gotta go. Schumacher’s just

streaked past in a white tranny. I

think he’s trying to smash the land

speed record, bless him. And he’s

got a tail light out. I might give

him a tug.

HAPPY VALLEY. EPISODE THREE. BY SALLY WAINWRIGHT 3.

CATHERINE:

Okay, well you be careful - and

don’t be long - I want to send

everyone home in ten minutes. I

wanna go home in ten minutes.

CUT TO:

3 INT/EXT. WHITE VAN/SCAMMONDEN ROAD. EVENING 7. 17.17 3

LEWIS drives along nervously when in his wing mirror he sees

the blue rotating light, which sends his nerves through the

roof.

LEWIS:

(a murmur)

Shit.

He tries not to panic, tells himself it might not be him it’s

after.

CUT TO:

4 INT. KIRSTEN’S CAR. EVENING 7. 17.18 4

KIRSTEN’s on her radio

KIRSTEN:

Bravo November nine-five-one-two,

could you P.N.C. a vehicle for me

please?

RADIO:

We’re just changing shifts, nine

five-one-two, can you give us two

minutes?

KIRSTEN:

Thanks.

KIRSTEN flashes her headlights, and issues a quick burst of

siren.

CUT TO:

5 INT. VAN. EVENING 7. 17.19 5

LEWIS is further freaked by the headlights and siren, but

hopes he’s being told to get out of the way, so makes the

decision to do the thing you’re supposed to do when a police

car’s trying to get somewhere: he indicates and pulls in.

HAPPY VALLEY. EPISODE THREE. BY SALLY WAINWRIGHT 4.

The police car overtakes him and - much to his terror - slows

up and pulls in front of LEWIS. He’s gone ashen, his mind’s

gone into a blind panic, he feels sick, he doesn’t have a

clue what to do.

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