Happy, Texas

Synopsis: Two escaped convicts arrive in the town of Happy, Texas, where they are mistaken for a gay couple who is to host the town's Little Miss Fresh Squeezed beauty pageant. Enjoying the celebrity and using their skill as con-men, the two adopt their persona to take on the task. Of course, as the two are heterosexual, their interest in the involved ladies intensifies. Ally Walker is a banker, who is distrustful of men and has given up on love. Illeana Douglas plays the dowdy, badly dressed teacher.
Genre: Comedy, Crime, Romance
Director(s): Mark Illsley
Production: Miramax Films
  6 wins & 6 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
98 min

Hey. Why did the armadillo

cross the road?


It didn't. See.

Can't someone else

be on bag for a while?

Excuse me.

Wanna be the bag guy?

Did I say you could speak to me?

Oh, sorry.

When you move up

to committing real crimes...

then you can speak to the men.

Put it in the bag.

Hey, wait. Are you gonna just

stand there like some coward...

and let him talk to you

like that?

Hey, goat boy.

The same goes for you.

Now you two damn amateurs

stay in your own yard...

or else I'll chain you there.

Goat boy?

Oh, you gonna

get you some now, boy.

Well, then

the light is green.


I have stood upon the mountain

I have seen the other side

As soon as we get you boys

back to lockup, this is gonna mean...

a week in the hole

for each of you.

Goat boy

you fight like a girl.

Seen my love forsaken

Felt the pleasure and the pain

The light is green.

No, no, no!

Knock it off, goddam it!

I have cried in tears

of sadness

I have cried in tears of joy

I have found a life

worth livin'

From the peace

within the noise

I have turned my back on hatred

lyin', prejudice and greed

Found the future in the present

Found hope within a seed


Hey, hey, hey, where you goin'?

Hey, if you're escapin'

give us the keys!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

We don't need keys!

I don't even know him.

This ain't adios.

It's just goodbye.


Gotta get outta here.

Hey, I don't even know

who you are.

Harry Sawyer.

Wayne Wayne Wayne Junior.



Now we have three...

count my fingers... three runnin'.

First, a man who likes

to steal cars.

Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.

Next, Harry Sawyer.

Fraud, credit card scam.


the reason why we're all here today

boys and girls...

Bob Maslow.

Bob Maslow is a bad man.

Let's get the guy

before he kills somebody else.

Get anything

but it has to be nonfat.

Well, this is nonfat.

Don't worry about it.

What about this? Look it. You know, we

don't owe these people a damn thing.

I know. I know.

I'm not happy either, David.

Peas or corn?


If I have to listen to one more of those

little monsters butcher "Tomorrow..."

I may end up doing something

very violent.

That is exactly

what I'm talking about.

Now I say we dump Happy.

Not that. Well, we can't dump Happy.

That reminds me. We need some toilet

paper. No, not that, the other one.

Okay, stop snapping at me.

It's softer.

I am on your side.

Let's just drop... I am not the enemy.

Listen to me for a second.

Let's just junk that crappy apartment

on wheels... I want this.

And quit this whole stupid business.

I want a real life again, you know?

A little fun.

You remember that word "fun"?

Yes, I do remember fun, Peter.

I want our old life back. You need to

get a new attitude is what you need.

I think that she may have overcharged us.

She did not.

If you would have brought the coupons

maybe we could have saved some money.

No, some of this stuff is not right.

Oh, my God. David.

It's gone.

Somebody stole our crappy camper.

We gotta go call the police.

No, listen to me a second.

Steven, if we call the police

we'll just get it back.


But if we wait a couple of weeks...

call the insurance company, we can

cash in on the modern American dream.

Yes! Yes!


Can we go to Maui?


Trust me, it's perfection.

Dual tanks on this baby. Even on

back roads, it's more than enough.

Let's get out of Texas.

Go, Daddy, go!

A prison break today at the

Jim Hogg County Correctional Facility...

has brought out law enforcement

agencies in four states.

The three fugitives, including convicted

murderer Robert Alan Maslow...

escaped from their prison van while

being transported to the facility.

Authorities are advising motorists

not to pick up hitchhikers...

and to use caution

at all rest stops.

The big prisons are leaking

like a macram diaphragm.

Texas finest are in full manhunt mode.

Shoot, manhunt mode.

Sounds like a full weekend for

you and your pals. Oh, you.

Hey, you folks, keep an eye out

for three orangejumpsuits...

unless until the marshal gets

those fellas back in the pokey.

Hey, comin'up next

another Hollywood actor is in rehab.

And the state's largest tomato

gets auctioned off for charity.

Well, I guess

we better turn around.

So what you're saying is north

is there, right?

Well, a little bit. Yep.

Yep. Unless I turn the map this way.

That is so much better.

Come on.

Ow! Yeah, I almost got it.

Come on.

I almost got it.

It's the cops.

It's the cops.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Pop who?



Must be my lucky day.

Lotta folks lookin' for you.


Oh, my!

Yeah, we're on our way in, but you

better get your tow truck out there.


Oh, no. I've heard about this before.

Vigilante justice.

We're screwed.

They're gonna hang us.


Yeah, they are.

Shut up.

Oh, my God.

Okay, sell me.

What, you want...

you want me to speak?

All we wanna know is if you were

offered one instead of two...

would you take it?

We... We can do one easy.

I know this is not

what you were expecting, but...

I've always found these things

to be negotiable.

You wanna negotiate?

Now hold on.

If it's all the same with you, Judge

we'd rather get less.

Much less. Now we're gettin' somewhere.

Now stop right there.

I didn't bring them in so you could

give them less than minimum.

These fellas are professionals.

They should get what they deserve.

Damn cop.

We'll take one, Your Honour.

Sold American. Let the record show

that they've agreed to one thousand.

Put in the time and date it.

One thousand?


Thousand what?

Which one of you is Steven

and which one is David?


Oh, for Christ's sakes.

Which one of you is Steven

and which of you fellas is David?

I'm Steven, and this is...

The other... The other one.

Well, Steven, we're talking about $ 1000

here, which you've just agreed to.

Two thousand is highway robbery

and you know it.

Now, if we're done here, you go to see

Joe at the bank in the morning.

You can sign for your money then.

Welcome to Happy.

There must be something here

with our names on it.

Midget clothes.

We're midgets.

We're not midgets.

No. Maybe whoever

owned this had kids.

Circus kids.

What about this?

Hey. Maybe we're tailors.

We travel from town to town...

tailoring dresses for...

circus midgets.

Travelling midget tailors.

Yeah, you think?


"Pageant World.

A magazine for the pageant

and talent industry."

Heavy reading.

What is this?

Oh, my.


Legs that wrap around you twice.


"Princess pageants at pauper prices.

Dreams come true and we come to you.

Trust Steven and David

the pageant professionals."

We put on beauty pageants.

You mean, we drive around

in this thing here...

And slide hot bodies

into tight dresses.

I can do that.

Hey, it's photos.


Yeah. Here we are

in front of the motor home.

Uh huh.

So we're gay.

How hard can that be?

It might not be hard for you

Rock Hudson...

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Ed Stone

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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