Hamlet 2

Synopsis: Dana Marschz is a failed actor and recovering alcoholic who's moved to Tucson to teach high school drama, where he's plagued by bad reviews, student indifference, budget woes (he and his wife, who is trying to get pregnant, take in a boarder), and his own teaching limitations. Because the other electives are closed, he finds himself with a large class of seeming gang-bangers, and the principal informs him that drama will be cut next trimester. On the advice of a student reviewer, Dana decides to stage his own play, a sequel to "Hamlet" in which the prince and Jesus, with the use of a time machine, try to save Gertrude and Ophelia. Can Dana for once pull something off?
Genre: Comedy, Music
Director(s): Andrew Fleming
Production: Focus Features
  3 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
92 min

To act is to live.

Are you tired? Overweight?

Lacking energy?

Do you wish you could look

and feel young again? You can!

By unlocking the power of natural juice

with Jack La Lanne's Power Juicer.

We juiced with this other juicer,

and look how much work it takes,

feeding the small chute.

To act is to breathe the poet's breath.

It is to embody the dreams of man.

To live as an actor is to live a dream.

I'm having a herpes outbreak right now.

But you'd never know it.

Thanks, Herpecol.

But dreams are ephemeral,

and sometimes impossible.

So we must ask,

where do dreams go to die?

Hey, look, I'm sorry, okay?

Hey, well, why don't I take you out

to dinner to apologize for my rudeness?

Give me your number.

You want my number?

Which number do you want, George?

You see, right there. I like

the way you say "George."

For instance, ten. That's how

many months old my baby girl is.

You got a baby girl?

Sexy, huh?

How about six?

That's how old my other daughter is.

Eight is the age of my son.

Two is how many times I've

been married and divorced.

Sixteen is the number of

dollars in my bank account.

And I'm guessing zero is the number

of times you're gonna call me.

Hey, the reviews are in.

Read them quickly.

It minimizes the pain.

"Are Dana Marschz's

bi-yearly stagings of

"popular Hollywood

films an ironic gesture,

"or is he just profoundly confused?

"To be fair,

"this year's Erin Brockovich

accomplishes something quite astonishing."

"It manages to make

last year's production

"of Mississippi Burning look

sparkling by comparison."

What about the acting?

"It is perhaps best not

to mention the acting.

"In the theater, actors endeavor

to simulate human emotion.

"Rand Posin and Epiphany

Sellars flap their lips

"and wave their arms like

malfunctioning wind-up toys..."

That's enough!

Every trimester we

get fisted by this guy!

What's "fisted"?


I have so much anger.

I feel like I've been raped.

In the face!

What do I need to do to please you?

Is that the purpose of your plays?

To please me?

I put a lot of myself into my work.

Would it kill you to say something

nice about it once in a while?

Have you ever considered doing a play

that wasn't originally a popular movie?

No. Why?

Do you think I should be

writing more of my own material?

That wasn't what I had in

mind, but, sure, why not?

You know, there's so much I

want to say through my work

that sometimes it overwhelms me.

I gotta go clean the hamster cages.

Are you going to be all right?

Yes, I'm great.


Yeah, you take care.

Thanks for the truth

sandwich, my little brother.

Morning, Gary.

Morning, Dana.

Top of the morning to you.

It's a really kickass sunny

day outside today, man.

Great observation there, Gary.

We live in Tucson.

Can I talk to you, please, privately?

Sure, squishy.

Excuse us.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I'm a little

groggy. I was up late.

I'm working on an original play.

It's about my childhood.

Anyway, I know we're broke

and that we needed a roommate,

but I swear to God, I can't

live like this anymore.

I'm gonna go back to

dealing pot, I swear...

No, no, I will not

have you pushing drugs.

I was a dealer, not a pusher.

It's just until I,

you know, get an agent

and start doing commercials again.

Also known as never.

You keep me honest,

I adore you for that.


It's not so bad. I mean, Gary has a car.

That's helped out a lot around here.

Gary has a car.

Maybe I can get him

to run me over with it.

Oh, you.

What did I do so right

to get you in my life?

Hey, Max. Hey.

Rate this script:(0.00 / 0 votes)

Pam Brady

Pam Brady (born July 28, 1969) is an American writer and television producer, best known for her work with Trey Parker and Matt Stone. more…

All Pam Brady scripts | Pam Brady Scripts

FAVORITE (0 fans)

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Discuss this script with the community:



    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)


    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:


    "Hamlet 2" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 23 Jan. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/hamlet_2_9527>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    Watch the movie trailer

    Hamlet 2

    The Marketplace:

    Sell your Script !

    Get listed in the most prominent screenplays collection on the web!

    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.

    Thanks for your vote! We truly appreciate your support.