HairBrained

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-HairBrained-

Hello, my name is Eli Pettifog.

I'm 13 years old.

Today is my first day

of college.

What you got in that bag,

Eli? Books?

Don't they have a library

at that place?

She's a terrible mother...

but it's not her fault

that I'm a genius.

" Can you hear me coming

Feel it all around."

" Feet are stomping

On the ground."

" It said something

So familiar."

Please tell me this is a joke.

I wanted to take you,

but I'm just so tired.

Remember the electric bill is the

most important, then the rent.

Eli... make some friends

out there, okay?

- Bye, Mom.

- Later.

Beacon Falls, Whittman College.

I welcome you

to Whittman College...

the 37th best, small, liberal

arts college on the East Coast.

Lots of stuff to know.

How about some exercise

for the lazy student?

Some people go to college because they

graduate from high school, like me.

Others go and they

self-destruct, like this guy.

Chi Gong.

Badminton or squash?

He had a business once.

He used to sell this stuff.

To these people... and then

he bailed on these things.

Put your shuttlecock away.

It's squash.

Here, let me get that for you.

- Give me my bag back.

- I'm Leo Searly, late bloomer.

I'm Eli Pettifog, child prodigy,

please can I have my bag back?

You're a freshman?

Unfortunately.

Me, too. What room you in?

212, can I...

Oh, good, it's right here.

I'm right across the hall.

Well, take care,

brush your hair.

I need the oldest undergraduate

in the world as a friend...

like I need a hole in my head.

And I don't need a hole in my head,

if that was what you were wondering.

Hey, want to get a burger?

No.

My treat.

Thanks, but no.

Eli, it's your first day

of college...

you're gonna have plenty of time

to sit alone and hate yourself.

Come on.

Wow, that's good.

That is old-fashioned

American genius.

Have you noticed everything

is genius these days?

How can food be genius?

Try the fries.

That's good, it may be great,

but it's not genius.

Hey, look at that townie girl.

She's checking you out, man.

See you later, Shauna.

See you.

Oh, that was a complete

meltdown of the man nerve.

I'm wearing my hair net.

Safety first. I hear you.

I'm gonna go get us

some more beers.

Nice, I'll just stay here.

I am Leo Searly, late bloomer.

I'm 'Milla, I have not yet

bloomed.

- Really?

- Uh-huh.

You look like you bloomed

to me all right.

Are you Eli Pettifog?

Yeah.

The 13-year-old freshman?

Well, Eli, I want to have your

really, really smart baby.

What makes you think

that nine months in your womb

won't make the baby

really, really stupid?

Excuse me.

Oh, jeez.

You think your sperm is too good

for my girl or something?

No.

Ow, put me down! Put me down!

- Why do you do this sh*t?

- Because I'm a dick!

Say my sperm is not worthy of

Eve Hanson.

Who's Eve Hanson?

My girlfriend, you know, the

one you were just hitting on?

She's out of your league, pal.

Yeah, I know she's out of my

league. I don't even like girls.

Somebody's fibbing.

Oh, god.

What's it like down there?

Awesome, I've been there

a thousand times.

Yeah, I'll bet you have.

Say my sperm is not worthy of

Eve Hanson.

Hold on, I can't hear you, my

ears are blocked.

Have some Ebola, a**hole!

I'm gonna make this the worst

year of your shitty, little life.

So, we're enemies?

Mortal enemies.

Let's drink to it.

Oh, Jesus, ow, stop.

Remember, I bought

the first round.

Yeah.

Oh, my god.

Oh, god.

I don't feel so good.

Really?

Perfect timing.

Thanks.

Something I want to tell you.

What?

Come closer.

You can come closer.

I'm a genius!

I remember my first beer,

too. Yeah.

Ever since I was a little baby, all I

ever wanted to do was go to Harvard.

My spiritual home.

So, without really trying,

I skipped five grades.

Won all the science fairs,

got my MENSA card.

You know what happened?

Harvard rejected me.

They don't want me.

Well, then, screw them.

You don't understand.

It just killed me, you know?

You want to know

the most awful and

humiliating part of the

whole, entire story?

You still love the b*tch.

Yeah. How'd you know?

All right, if you're gonna puke again,

close one eye, you'll have better aim.

Don't leave.

If the room starts to spin,

you put one foot on the floor.

Yeah. Leo? Leo?

- Goodnight.

- No, Leo, just...

You're all right. Hang in there.

Never mind.

I'm here for my job.

All right, dear,

check in down the hall.

Sh*t.

Harvard's coming?

Good evening, and welcome

to Collegiate Mastermind.

The varsity sport of the mind.

Tonight's two contestants are

the Whittman Warring Hares...

versus the Harvard Crimson

squad.

First question is a toss-up

worth ten points.

The first question, that should

be the first one on the stack.

Okay, how far

can the Queen Mary 2...

travel on one gallon of...

diesel.

Whittman Warring Hares.

We forfeit.

Incorrect.

No, I mean we forfeit.

You can't forfeit.

We haven't won a match

since 1971.

Oh. Harvard to steal.

Six inches.

Six inches is correct.

Yes!

Caution, Harvard at this

time for showboating.

Man, if I were on the

Whittman team...

my dad would send me into

the woods to find the

perfect piece of birch

to split my ass with.

Hey, there's the little dude.

Thanks for the support, little

dude. What's your name?

Eli.

You the man, Eli.

How old are you?

Uh-oh, he's a genius.

Yeah.

Yeah, you are.

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