Going Postal

Synopsis: Based on Terry Pratchett's 33rd Discworld novel involves a skillful con artist Moist Von Lipwig who finds the tables turned and it's he himself who conned into becoming the Ankh-Morpork Postmaster General. A position that has not been filled in years.
  2 wins & 5 nominations.
185 min

'l've always known that

gods had a sense of humour.'

'Why else would they put us all

on the back of a giant turtle?'

'Of course, l had assumed

l was in on the joke.'

'As it turns out, l, Moist von

Lipwig, am the butt of it.

Can you fax it

to Genua, please, dear?


Bloody hell fire.

When are they gonna spend

some money on this system?



Good evening, John Dearheart.

Who's there?

And good night.




Argh! Argh!


'There is always an angle.'

'l've come to realise it's the one

thing in life you can rely on.'

'The trick is finding that angle.'

'The events l'm about to recount

may seem extraordinary,

callous, criminal, even.'

'But reflecting

on all that's happened,

in many ways, l feel blameless.'

'Perhaps you'd be more sympathetic if

l started from the very beginning.'

'You see, on the day l was orphaned,

l had only two things to my name -

the family nag,

and "nag" is being generous,

and my wits.'

'But wit, and a bit of boot polish,

can turn a nag into a horse...

..for about 20 minutes.'

'Which is all l needed.'

'1 2 horse trades later, and l had

enough cash to get into diamonds.'


ls that all?


'Got her.'

'She'd seen a $1 00 diamond, but

she'd bought a $1 lump of glass.'

'You see, l'm a firm believer

in the saying,

"you can't fool an honest man".'

'lt was on this premise

that l built my career.' (BELL)

'Rob, trick, forge, embezzle.'

'l can't deny

l did every con in the book.'

'And when l finished

the book of cons,

l started writing

chapters of my own.'


Times! Times!

Bond crisis rambles on!

Albert Spangler, chief bursar

for the Undertakers Guild.

You might be interested

in our compensation scheme

for losses incurred by the, er...

..fake bond scandal.

'Good dollars for fake bonds,

fake dollars for good bonds.'

'Switch the cash bags,

add a dash of short change,

bank on a little greed...'

'By the time we'd finished,

l was $200 up.'

'Not a fortune, but enough

for a good night on the town.'



Albert Spangler?

Never heard of him.

But for you, l could be anyone.

Could you be lunch?


'How was l to know the City Watch's

finest sergeant was a werewolf?'



'l'd been in tighter spots.'

'The mortar was soft.'

'With a decent metal spoon

and time on my hands,

a few weeks' hard digging

and l'd be free.'






Well done, Mr Lipwig.

You set this up.

Lord Vetinari's orders.

He calls it occupational therapy.


l call it torture.

Not upset, are you?

Only you've really entered

into the spirit of the thing.


the way you kept going,

stuffing all the dust

into your mattress.

Very tidy.

Now, you really should

get some rest.

We'll be hanging you

in half an hour.

Hanging? For one little con?

That and these.

There's got to be at least

$1 50,000 worth of fraud here.

And these are just

the cons we can prove.

Good morning, sir.

l am Trooper and l will be your

executioner for today. (CROWD NOlSE)

Don't look so worried, sir,

l've hanged hundreds of people

and we'll have you

out of here in no time.

That's what l'm worried about.

Now, before we start,

about your rope, sir.

lt sounds strange, but there's a lot

of specialist collectors out there

and l'm gonna auction it

on the clacks.

lt's the coming thing, you know.

Worth more signed, of course.



Much obliged.

Which just leaves the small matter

Rate this script:(0.00 / 0 votes)


The writer of this screenplay is unknown. more…

All Unknown scripts | Unknown Scripts

FAVORITE (0 fans)

Submitted on August 05, 2018


Translate and read this script in other languages:

Select another language:

  • - Select -
  • Chinese - Simplified 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
  • Chinese - Traditional 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
  • Spanish Español (Spanish)
  • Esperanto Esperanto (Esperanto)
  • Japanese 日本語 (Japanese)
  • Portuguese Português (Portuguese)
  • German Deutsch (German)
  • Arabic العربية (Arabic)
  • French Français (French)
  • Russian Русский (Russian)
  • Kannada ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
  • Korean 한국어 (Korean)
  • Hebrew עברית (Hebrew)
  • Ukrainian Український (Ukrainian)
  • Urdu اردو (Urdu)
  • Hungarian Magyar (Hungarian)
  • Hindi मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
  • Indonesian Indonesia (Indonesian)
  • Italian Italiano (Italian)
  • Tamil தமிழ் (Tamil)
  • Turkish Türkçe (Turkish)
  • Telugu తెలుగు (Telugu)
  • Thai ภาษาไทย (Thai)
  • Vietnamese Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
  • Czech Čeština (Czech)
  • Polish Polski (Polish)
  • Indonesian Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
  • Romanian Românește (Romanian)
  • Dutch Nederlands (Dutch)
  • Greek Ελληνικά (Greek)
  • Latin Latinum (Latin)
  • Swedish Svenska (Swedish)
  • Danish Dansk (Danish)
  • Finnish Suomi (Finnish)
  • Persian فارسی (Persian)
  • Yiddish ייִדיש (Yiddish)
  • Armenian հայերեն (Armenian)
  • Norwegian Norsk (Norwegian)
  • English English (English)

Discuss this Going Postal script with the community:


Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:


"Going Postal" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 14 Oct. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/going_postal_9116>.

We need you!

Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

Watch the movie trailer

Going Postal

The Marketplace:

Sell your Script !

Get listed in the most prominent screenplays collection on the web!

The Studio:

ScreenWriting Tool

Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.

Thanks for your vote! We truly appreciate your support.