Girlfriend's Day

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1

[heavy machinery whirring]

[man] Last year, Americans purchased

upwards of $3 billion in greeting cards.

Weddings, romance,

thank-yous, and birthdays

are all sales leaders,

with major holidays

providing steady profits.

It's a thriving industry

where it's often said

the right card can make the day.

[Ray] Yeah, I'm a writer.

Cards.

Greetings. Uh...

romantic ones.

So, yeah, I'm a poet,

if you've got to label me.

'Cause women,

they love poets.

I mean...

I could see her pupils dilate.

I had her hooked.

Then she asked,

"Well, if you're so famous,

what have you written?"

I just shrugged, then I said...

"Only the top Valentine's Day card

for the last three years in a row."

[colleagues chuckle]

What year was this again?

So, then what happened?

Then, my dear Mad-man,

the lady did the splits.

- [laughter]

- Whoo, dog!

Sex.

At what point did the poor woman

find out you're a hack?

Sadly, it was but a single night

of sweated bliss.

So she had some taste, then.

God, no.

She was a fan of your work.

Hmm. Smart girl.

By the way, 90% of all cards

are purchased by women.

You better get with the program.

You're no Taft.

Taft, he was... he was great, right?

Only one ever better.

[Peabody]

What happened to him?

He quit cards to write novels.

He's writing a novel.

Don't be fooled, intern.

Novels are for people

who can't edit themselves.

Cards are still the ultimate challenge.

For you, maybe.

Sweet talk will get you nowhere.

You.

Mr. Wentworth,

Mr. Styvesan wants to see you.

Good.

I was just about to ask

for a meeting.

Good luck, pal.

Well, who's to say it's not good news?

We'll keep our fingers crossed.

[buzzer blares]

Styvesan,

I'm so glad you made the time.

Got some great ones here.

- Ray...

- "Dear, sweet love...

I've been missing you.

Why did you leave me?"

- That's kind of bleak.

- Ray, why don't you just...

"Honey, come back.

It was my fault."

I'm thinking

a whole line of "I Regrets."

A whole new line!

- Could there be a song chip in there?

- No.

Playing a sad song or something?

No song chips, no glitter...

Just the truth, all right?

'Cause that's what cards

have been missing.

Besides, I've heard complaints

about the glitter.

You know, I campaigned

for a stronger glue about two years ago.

- Ray, why don't you have a seat.

- Let's go retro.

Could be hip. I'm thinking...

dime trees.

Girl opens the card,

there's ten dimes for her.

In a romance card?

Could be great for someone you love

who you owe money to.

Okay, fine. Class it up.

Quarters. That's your idea. Good.

You want to put quarters

in a romance card.

Ray...

I'm gonna have to let you go.

No.

Yeah.

Move me to another department.

[sad chuckle]

What department, Ray?

I'll proofread.

[Ray sighs]

- I'll fold.

- What was that?

I'll fold.

Fold what, cards?

We have machines behind you

that fold cards, Ray.

I'll do it faster.

Faster than a machine?

Faster than 300 cards a minute?

I'll double it.

Okay, Ray, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to take

your guild card.

Come on.

Ray, why don't you, um,

get your stuff some other time, okay?

We'll keep it safe for you.

What are you looking at?

Get back to work.

And somebody water this damn thing.

My daughter gave it to me.

Too many things dying around here.

Ray. Here he is.

Man.

You're in a little early.

I'm celebrating.

Hit me.

[song playing on jukebox]

[Ray sighs]

Taft?

Raymond.

How's the novel coming?

Ah, it's... it's difficult.

My publisher says it has to be

120 pages, minimum.

How much you got?

Well, I'm up to... three.

Chapters?

Words.

Actually, I'm thinking

of getting back into the card game.

No. Don't.

[incredulous chuckle]

You're... you're so... good. You...

You know, you're honest, and, uh...

I...

I have writer's block.

Oh.

Well.

Listen.

You're still divorced, right?

Yeah.

Still.

Good for you.

'Cause the chase is the key.

The chase.

I got a wife, I'm settled in,

but I don't have that... that drive,

that sand.

You, the love of your life left you.

You got that hole inside.

It's a gift.

You're lucky.

Thanks.

I never thought of it like that.

Remember...

Never write for anyone.

- Always write for...

- someone.

Yeah.

F*** the bastards.

[soft chuckle]

[distant dog barking]

[distant argument]

[male vocalist]

Well, I searched for my name

[distant dog barking]

Listing said "unknown"

I miss you already

And it's only been one week

And I'm wishing my heart was stone

Oh

Carry me home

[woman moans]

[woman moans deeply]

[woman moans]

[moans continue]

[woman moans]

Hey!

[moaning]

Hey!

[owl hoots softly]

Hey!

[man, on television]

And on my left,

Skid Row's pride and joy,

Shitfoot!

I've got twenty bucks in my pocket,

to the last bum standing.

All right, gentlemen:

Fight!

Go, Shitfoot.

[pounding on door]

[Munoz]

Mr. Ray!

Hey, Mr. Ray, I know you're in there!

Give me a sec.

[newscaster] And the giraffe baby

will be at the city zoo

for just two more weeks,

so you'd better get down there.

[Munoz]

Open, sez me!

A new holiday? Maybe.

The governor's office

is about to make an announcement,

one he says will give

the greeting card industry a boost.

Rent.

That's it? Just "rent"?

No "Good morning, Ray.

Have you noticed

the flowers I planted?"

Nothing in Spanish?

Alquiler.

Let me guess. That...

Rent.

Listen, I cut a tendon.

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