George Carlin: Doin' It Again

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So you want to talk about it?

Oh yeah.

It all started in 1977.

I mean,

that's when I started

doing it regularly.

How many times

have you done it?

Six times.

I've done it six times.

Why do you do it?

I don't know.

It's like I can't help myself.

What does your family think?

Thank God my

family doesn't know.

But how'd you get caught?

They were taping me.

Taping you?

Yeah.

Every time I did it,

they had a tape running.

Jumbo shrimp,

those words don't

even go together, man.

That's like

military intelligence,

they have that, too.

How did they do that?

That's what they tell you,

get on the plane,

get on the plane.

F*** you,

I'm getting in the plane.

I wonder a lot of things,

but that's my job.

My job is

thinking up goofy sh*t.

Al Sleet here, your

hippie dippie weather man

with all the hippie

dippie weather, man.

Got into an argument

with my Rice Krispies.

I distinctly heard

Snap, Crackle, f*** him.

Have a nice day.

And the original list was

sh*t, piss, f***, c*nt,

cocksucker,

mother f***er and tits.

This was all I could

think of in one sitting.

That's all your house is,

is a place to keep your stuff

while you go out

and get more stuff.

But here's a little cheer,

a lot of people like it,

it goes like this,

rat sh*t, bat sh*t,

dirty old twat.

69 a**holes tied in a knot.

Hurrah, lizard sh*t.

F***.

I never f***ed a 10,

but one night

I f***ed five 2s.

Does it strike

you as mildly ironic

that most of the people

who are against abortion

are people you wouldn't want

to f*** in the first place?

And now they're thinking

about banning toy guns,

and they're going to

keep the f***ing real ones.

Thank you,

thank you very much.

Welcome to our show.

Don't you think it's

just a little bit strange

that Ronald Reagan had

an operation on his a**hole

and George Bush

had an operation

on his middle finger, huh?

Huh?

What are these two

men trying to tell us?

Now I'd like

to begin tonight

with an opening announcement.

Because of the FCC,

I'm never sure what it is

I'm allowed to say,

So.

So I now have my

own official policy.

This is the language you

will not be hearing tonight.

You will not hear me say,

bottom line,

game plan,

role model,

scenario,

or hopefully.

I will not kick back,

mellow out,

or be on a roll.

I will not go for it,

and I will not check it out.

I don't even

know what it is.

And when I leave here,

I definitely will not boogie.

I promise not to refer

to anyone as a class act,

a beautiful person,

or a happy camper.

I will also not be

saying, what a guy.

And you will not hear me

refer to anyone's lifestyle.

If you want to know what a

moronic word "lifestyle" is,

all you have to do is realize

that in a technical sense,

Attila the Hun

had an active,

outdoor lifestyle.

I will also not be

saying any cute things,

like moi,

and I will not use

the French adverb trs

to modify any

English adjectives,

such as trs awesome,

trs narly, trs fabut,

trs intense,

or trs out of sight.

I will not say concept

when I mean idea.

I will not say impacted

when I mean effected.

There will be no hands on

state of the art networking.

We will not maximize,

prioritize or finalize,

and we definitely

will not interface.

There will also...

There will also be

no new age lingo

spoken here tonight,

no support group jargon

from the human

potential movement.

For instance, I will not

share anything with you.

I will not relate to you,

and you will not

identify with me.

I will give you no input,

and I will expect

no feedback.

This will not be a

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