Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties



[rousing orchestral

fanfare playing]

[fanfare ends]

[birds squawking]

[wind blowing]

[grand, royal orchestral

theme playing]


Once upon a time,

in an English castle

far, far away,

there lived a pampered

personage by the name of...



[bell ringing]

All right,

everyone, he's awake.

Hurry! Hurry!

Come along, quickly.

Right, are we all ready?

Get the Carlyle log.


Prince knew no other life

than a life of luxury.

Oh, did I mention

that Prince was a cat?

Good morning, Prince.

[yawning, groaning]

Your tea.

[British accent]:

Mm-hmm-hmm! Breakie.

I have your favorite dish.

Carlyle log.

Ah, lovely.

[slurping, smacking]




Oh, it's good to be the king.


On the other side of the world,

there lived

an equally pampered cat

who thought he was a king,

but who ruled over

a somewhat smaller domain.



I'm the king of the cul-de-sac.

That's what I'm talking about.

Jon and I have everything

I could ever want.

Food in the fridge.

Cable and satellite.

And don't forget lasagna.

That's right.

It's good to be king.

I want you to know, you're the

most important thing in my life.

Let me sleep, please.

Before I met you,

my life had no meaning.

I was incomplete.

Oh, you still are, really.

I guess what I'm

trying to say is...

...will you marry me?

Eh? Marriage?

Well, this is kind of sudden.

There may be

some legal issues here.

Look, I like you,

but not as a spouse.

Maybe as a servant, we could

stay together, make it work.

So what do you say... Liz?

-Wait a second. Liz? Liz?


Liz is a girl.

No, worse.

She's a girl vet.

-[bell dings]

-Turkey's ready.

Well, I think

Jon has touched bottom now.

Hmm, we gotta put an end

to this torture.

[romantic music playing]

Time for a new DJ.

[stereo blasts]


Somebody take my temperature.




[music stops]

Man, you have changed.

I can't have you messing

this up for me, okay?

-Oh, I get it. It's her.

-Come here.

She doesn't like our music.

Whatever happened to Jon?

-My metal-head guy. My dude.

-[doorbell chimes]

You were so much cooler

when you wore a mullet.

Now stay here.

-So much cooler.

-[doorbell chimes]

I suppose she likes

this haircut.

I suppose she likes

this haircut.


-Tell me she likes it the way it is now.

-Hey, Liz.

-Jon, I have incredible news.

Guess who's going to be

speaking at this year's fund-raiser

for the Royal Animal


Siegfried and Roy?

-Oh, come on.

-Just Siegfried?

Jane Goodall dropped out

at the last minute

because she's nursing

a sick chimp

and they asked me.

I mean, it's gonna be at

this really cool castle

on a huge estate.

Well, Liz, that-that's...

I am flying to London

tomorrow morning.

-Can you believe it?


I mean, I have

to pack, and...

Oh, are these rose

petals and candles?

Yeah, well, Liz,

I have some...

some important news

of-of-of my own.



Hey, me, too.

[clears throat]

Excuse me, do you believe

in love at first sight?

I was hoping you'd say yes.

You have made me

so very, very cat-happy.


-Well, come on.

-What's the news?

-The news is, I, uh...

I finally house-trained Odie.



That would explain

the rose petals.

I have to pack.

I'm so sorry

about dinner.

But you know what?

I will send your

regards to the queen.

Okay, congratulations

on Odie.

Oh, oh, yeah.

And, hey, you, too.

They're lucky to have you.



Oh, I thought she'd never leave.

Garfield, you ate

the whole turkey?

Well, yeah.

What are you

doing with this?

Oh, never mind.

It's too late.

She's already off to...

[belches] Ooh!

Good stuffing.

Well, come on, cheer up.

-I saved you the wishbone.

-There's nothing I can do.

Sure there is.

Return the ring and

get your money back.

Wait a minute.

I'll go to London.

-Oh, you poor sap.

-She'll love it.

-She'll be surprised.

-Please don't do this.

-She'll be thrilled.

-Tell me you're not gonna do this.

-She'll say yes.

-Please, don't.

I gotta go pack.

You moron.

This is a huge mistake, Jon.

One of your biggest.

Don't roam. Stay home.

Odie and I are not just coming

along for the ride, pal.

This is actually

an intervention.


Okay, guys. Here we are.


Oh, quick flight.

We must have been

in the jet stream.

England is no great shakes, huh?

I mean, the buildings here look

like, uh, the kennel back home.

That is the kennel back home.

They'll never take me alive.

They're gonna

be fine, Jon.

Yeah, yeah.

Garfield's never stayed

in a kennel before,

so I'm afraid

he might have

some separation anxiety.


He's probably fast asleep

in his cage by now.

You hear me, warden?!

I have the right

to remain silent!

Anything I say can and

will be held against me

in a court of law!

And I have the right

to an attorney, too, pal!

And if I can't afford one,

one must be provided for me

by the court!

Never mind!

I just broke out.

He likes a belly rub

twice a day.

And, oh, if you

could give him

a pan of lasagna

between each meal,

that would be great.

Oh, almost forgot Pooky.

Can't be

without Pooky.


Oh, great. Just when

things were looking up.

Look, why don't

you stay here

and get your

fleas removed,

maybe get a brain transplant?


Okay, go away. Beat it.

Hide beneath the wheels.

Agh! You're

ripping my fur!

Aah! Get off! Get off!

Get off! Get off!

Get in here!

Get in! Get in!

Okay, so you have

my cell phone

and you have

the hotel number.

-Don't worry, I do. Bye now.



Airport, and step on it.

Jon won't mind if I repack him.

We're gonna need

some room in this bag.




[humming, screams]

Aah! You savage beast,

how dare you!

Get out of here!


There's something

in the pool! Smithee!

There's a duck in my pool,


A duck!

A duck, sir?

Filthy wild animal

soaking itself in my pool.

What do you intend

doing about this?

I shall speak

to the duck, sir?



Oh, by the way,

the solicitors are here

for the reading

of Lady Eleanor's will.


In a few moments,

I'll be the master

of this entire estate.

And from this day on,

things will be done my way.



This is the last will and testament

of Lady Eleanor Carlyle

of Carlyle Castle.

"I declare this to be my last

will and testament,

which I make,

this first day of September"...

Keep still.

They're reading Lady Eleanor's will.

I've got a bad feeling

about this.

I can't watch.

If Lord Dargis gets the estate,

we're done for.

We're doomed!

Shh! Quiet.

"To my devoted Smithee,

"I make thee caretaker

of my estate.

"Care for my beloved

animal friends

"as you have in the past

and you will always have

a home at Carlyle Castle."

Thank you, Madame.

She's dead, Smithee.

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Joel Cohen

Joel Edmund Cohen (born August 23, 1963) is an American film writer who has worked on such projects as the movies Cheaper by the Dozen, Toy Story, Money Talks and Garfield: The Movie. He frequently works with his writing partner Alec Sokolow. more…

All Joel Cohen scripts | Joel Cohen Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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