Gangsta Granny

Synopsis: Whilst his parents Linda and Mike spend every weekend ballroom dancing 11 year old Ben goes to stay with his granny, whom he initially finds boring. Then one day he finds a huge collection of jewels in a biscuit tin and discovers she was once a notorious burglar, the Black Cat, though she was never caught as she never tried to sell her spoils. Ben decides they should pull off the biggest heist of all, stealing the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London, using his intimate knowledge of plumbing to enter. Despite his parents' disastrous attempt to get him on the dance floor and the intrusive Neighbourhood Watch warden Parker the couple effect their daring plan. They do not succeed but are allowed to escape by a Royal personage, whom they happen to meet. Sadly Granny does not make it to Christmas but her legacy lives on - in the millions raised for charity by her jewels and the profound effect she has had on the Royal personage.
Genre: Comedy, Drama, Family
60 min


She's so boring.

Ben, don't talk

about your gran like that.

Well, she is, but your dad's right.

Don't be rude.

Hurry up.

Oh, hello, son.

How's my little Benny?

Hello, Mother. How are you?

Oh, not so bad.

Great, well, gotta go.

Oh, can you not pop in

for a quick cuppa?

Well, I'd love to, but...

Mikey, are you going to

be in there all day?


You all right, dear?

Yes, thank you, dear.

Sorry, we've been up to

our eye-balls at the salon.

We've had a rush on spray-tans.

Ben, one of us will pick you up

in the morning at 11.

Could you make it 10?

Son... Well, have fun, you two.

Don't get into too much trouble.

Put your foot down, Mikey.

It's time to...

Start dancing!

I've got your favourite for

your tea tonight. Cabbage soup.

Come on in.

So, how's school?

Hmm, fine.


How are things outside of school?

The things you're up to

outside of school hours.

Yeah, fine.

Cabbage soup OK?


Mm. Good.


Oh, you'll be pleased to know

the main course is cabbage pie

with boiled cabbage on the side.

Oh, you polished that off

good and proper.

I'm spraying pine and apple

together to make pineapple.

Well, this is nice.

Want to guess what I'm doing, Benny?


Yes, that's right, young man.

I am knitting,

but what am I knitting?

Another jumper with a kitten on it?

That's right. I can't tell you

what lucky boy it's for.

You'll just have to wait

till Christmas.

("Bolero" by

Maurice Ravel plays)

Well, that's a double word score,

triple letter score.

That's 87 to me.

Oh, it's getting ever so late.

Time for your beddy-byes, young man.

Once upon a time, a little boy

called Benny, about your age,

looked under his bed

and found a magic carpet.

Oh! Sorry, Gran, do you know what?

I'm really tired.

Oh, oh, I know...

you're too old for that sort of thing

now, aren't you?

Silly old Gran.

I'll leave you be.

Nighty night.


Dad, can you come and get me?

I'm bored.

Ben, this isn't a good time.

We're in the middle cha

of our cha-cha-cha.

You are being very selfish.

I've had a long week.

I've done 152 spray tans.

28 on me.

28 on your father.

This is our time to unwind.

But it's torture here.

I'm sorry. There seems to be a...

...problem on the line.


They'll be here to pick you up soon.

Thanks for letting me stay.

Are you OK, Gran?


Oh, your mum's here.

Not stopping. Must be very busy.

Goodbye, then.

I'll see you next Friday.

Yes, yes.

A-ha, Ben, my favourite customer.

I know you're a man who knows

a great deal when he hears one.

I have a very special

one-day-only offer.

What is it, Raj?

24 Cornettos for the price of...23!

That's one Cornetto free of any

charge! Only for my VIP customer.

And what am I going to do

with 24 Cornettos?

Eat 12 now, and put

12 in your pockets for later.

They're not out of date, are they?

So, you're coming here

for your Plumbing Weekly.

I've kept it here safe for you,

and this week there's a free gift.

A U-bend. Cool.

We need a new one of those.

Do you spend all

your spare time plumbing?

Yeah, when I'm not

at my boring old granny's.

Tut tut, and a third tut.

Just because your granny is old

does not mean she is boring.

She comes here on Wednesday

afternoons to buy her

Murray Mints and tissues,

you know, granny equipment, and

we have many interesting chats.


Oh, yes. There is more to her

than meets the eye.

I bet your granny

has a secret or two.

Old people always do.

Not my granny. See you later.

Is this right for a boy of his age?

No. When I was his age

I was like any normal lad.

Rate this script:(3.00 / 8 votes)

David Walliams

David Edward Williams (born 20 August 1971), known professionally as David Walliams, is an English comedian, actor, author, and presenter known for his partnership with Matt Lucas on the BBC One sketch show Little Britain. Since 2012, Walliams has been a judge on the ITV talent show Britain's Got Talent. He wrote and starred in two series of the BBC One sitcom Big School, playing the role of chemistry teacher Keith Church. In 2015, he starred as Tommy Beresford in the BBC series Partners in Crime based on the Tommy and Tuppence novels by Agatha Christie. Walliams is also a writer of children's books. He has sold more than 25 million copies and his books have been translated into 53 languages. He has been described as "the fastest growing children's author in the UK" and his literary style has been compared to that of Roald Dahl. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Gangsta Granny" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 24 Jun 2021. <>.

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