Funeral Kings

Synopsis: Two altar boys decide to play hooky after serving at a series of funerals.
Genre: Comedy, Drama
Production: Freestyle Releasing
  1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
85 min


Sh*t, man, you've got to bring

up the book.

- What are you talking about?

- You've got to go man, I can't.

- Why not?

- I... can't.

Well sh*t man, neither can I.

How'd they find out?

You f***ing idiot!

What's the matter, Bobby?

Are they going

to tell my parents?

Dude, what's going on?

Nothing, take this!

Where are you going?

We're not going to hang?

I can't, alright?

What are we supposed to do?

I don't know, man.

I'm not your babysitter.

Just tell me what's going on!

- I can't!

- Why not?!

Because you're a little kid,


I'll see you tomorrow.

And she does this all the time?

Yeah, man.

The baby's got to eat.

So her tits are just

hanging out for anyone to see?

No, man.

Jesus Christ!

She wears something over it,

the baby just goes underneath.

Boy your dad did it right

this time.

I would give my left hand

to see your step mother's tits.

Come on, man!

What are you doing?

Mind your f***ing business,


What are you doing?

Who has time

to memorize 40 vocab words?


There's a test?

Clear your desks.

Take out your number 2 pencils.


Principal's office...

after the exam.


Mr. Thompson?

Can you send Andrew Gilmour down to

the office? He has to serve a funeral.

Be prepared to take the test

tomorrow, Andrew.

No problem!

What's going on, Bobby?

I've got to hide this

in your room!

You can't go in there.

My parents are going to wake up!


When are you going

to be back to pick it up?!

I don't know.

Don't open it...

...and don't tell Charlie.


Andy, what's going on?

Nothing, Charlie had to pick up

a text book.

Are you kidding me? No way,

you're like five-years-old.

Eat a dick, I'm fourteen!

Chill out, dude.

- Hey Rye!

- Hey what's going on?


Is Miss Nolan back yet?

I'm pretty sure she's out

for the next week.

- Awesome.

So you do the paper or what?

Hell no.

Good neither did I!

Don't be late for class.

Alright, we'll try.

See ya.

I would do awful awful things

to that girl.

- Why are you still here, man?

- Uh, I've got money.

- Make it twenty-five.

- Twenty.




Here you go.

Just stuff it in your pocket.

I don't want some teacher seeing me

selling to a f***ing kindergartener.

F*** you, man!

See ya later, man.

Dude, where were you?

You've got to start

reading the obits, dude.

I knew this lady died

three days ago.

I just came right here.


Bobby came over

to my house last night.

For what?

Where is he now?

I don't think he's coming in.

Well look at you boys.

Don't you look handsome

in your albs.

All dressed up for the funeral!

Mrs. Edward is probably looking down from

heaven now, saying, "What handsome boys

are serving my funeral!"

She's a lucky lady!

Thanks, sister.

This is David.

He'll be taking over for Robert.

What happened to Bobby?

Bobby has not made

the best choices, boys,

and now he's suffering

because of them.

Keep your prayers with him.

Did sister say

when Bobby was coming back?

Who's Bobby?

- The kid your filling in for.

- I think I'm replacing him.

For how long?

For like, forever.

No, he's coming back.

That's not what sister said.

How old are you?

- Thirteen.

- You smoke?

- Uh, no.

- You drink?

Should we be talking

on the altar?

Oh, Jesus...


What the hell happened

to Bobby?

I don't know. He called me at like

midnight, and dropped off this trunk.

It weighs like

a hundred pounds.

What's inside it?

- Where are you going?

- Uhhh.

We only have

a couple more hours in the day.

None of our teachers

expect us back.


I don't really mind going back.

If you go back,

we have to go back.

You're not going

to get in trouble.

So where should I go?

I don't know, man.

Anywhere but class.

Yeah, dude, just go to the

baseball field or something.

Oh, alright...


Baseball field's that way,


Oh I know, I was just going to get

something quick from my locker.

Just f***ing come with us.

God damnit...

Why didn't he drop it off

at my place?

I don't know, man.

Maybe I'm more trustworthy.

Dude, I'm not even supposed

to be telling you this!

That's some bullshit!

What's inside?

There's a pad lock.

So, bust it off with a hammer.

My parents were downstairs!

I don't know, just wrap it in

a sock or something.

You're an idiot.

That wouldn't work.

Okay, how else

are you going to open it?

I figure we just pick the lock.

Yeah, that'll work.

And you'll be able to stuff

the movie in your pants.

No dude, that guy keeps

all the movies in the back.

It's just the cases

out on the shelves.

So go around back.

Are you f***ing nuts?

That dude'll kill me!

Bobby did that once,

and the guy

pulled a f***in gun on him.

That's not true.

Yeah it is, man.

You guys can borrow some money from

me so you don't have to steal it.

It's "R" dipshit.

We could bribe him.

Yeah, good luck.

How much money you got on you?

Are you serious?

Look, man, I'm turning seventeen in

a couple weeks. Just give me a break.

You look like

you just got out of diapers.

Come on, man... please?

You think I give a sh*t

about twenty bucks, kid?

Put it back

and get the f*** out!

What'd you expect?

Come on, dude, I look old.

How old do I look?

Uh, I don't know, 14?

Yeah, but how old could I be?

- Uh...

- 14! You look like you're 14!

I look older than you!

Where's he going?

Don't worry about it.

Hey Cheng!

One all-you-can-eat buffet.

How's your brother doing?

He just get out of the hospital?

You from Iowa or Wisconsin

or something?

No, I'm from California.

No sh*t!

I've got an uncle in Cali.

He's an extra.

He's been in a ton of movies.

There was this one really funny show he

was in that he was telling me about

that he actually said

something in.

They only made one episode though,

so it never made it to TV,

but you know, it sounded

pretty cool.

It was probably a pilot.

Yeah... probably.

Yo! Let's just sneak the trunk out

while your parents are sleeping.

We can bring it to the fort and

bash off the lock with a rock.

No way, dude.

Why not?

My parents are light sleepers.

We'd wake them up.

Wait. Wait!

Don't be such a p*ssy.

You'll keep an eye out,

while I lug it out.

You can't carry it,

it's way too heavy.

F*** you, man.

I'm serious, we'd need

at least another person

just to keep an eye out

for my folks.

What about Felix?

No, man. I'm not letting that kid

anywhere near my step-mom.

Especially while she's asleep.

So what night

are you guys doing this?

We'd do it tonight.


You want to help?

- It's a school night.

- And...?

Uh, I can't

hang out on a school night.

Let me tell you something,


If you want to make friends

in this town...

You can't be a p*ssy about


What the f***?!

- What?

- You've got to be shitting me!

That f***in' bastard!

The kid who sold me the god

damn cigarettes.

- How much were they?

- 25 f***in' bucks.

Get more f***in' egg rolls!

What crawled up your ass?

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Kevin McManus

Kevin J. McManus (born November 3, 1978 in Kansas City, Missouri) is an American attorney and politician from the state of Missouri. He was elected the Missouri House of Representatives in 2010 and was re-elected in 2012 and 2014. In 2015, he was elected to the City Council of Kansas City, Missouri, where he presently serves . more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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