Fresh Meat

Synopsis: A dysfunctional gang of criminals takes a middle class Maori family hostage and discovers too late that they are cannibals.
Genre: Comedy, Horror
Director(s): Danny Mulheron
  2 nominations.
91 min

- You wouldn't believe it, but ...

- Let me guess:
no soap?

You wouldn't mind if I, eh...

Dad! Dad!


- Hey, it's mom.

- Yeah, she's ubiquitous.

- Ubiquitous?

- She's everywhere.

- Oh.

- She's probably watching us now.

A visitor from Tijuana gave me this one.

Plenty of jalapeo gives

it a whole lot of bite.

Ah, but don't make the

mistake of using cheap meat.

Now, I'm just adding a wee

bit of rosemary here.

It really bring out the-the flavor

and the tenderness of the pork.

Got a chip?

I'm gonna f*** your hairless

ass all the way back to China.

He will. I've seen it.

Butter is your friend.

Do you speak English?

- I am from Otaki.

- No sh*t?

We got a place here in New Zealand

sounds just like that, eh?

They're all right, mate.

Should have bought a lotto ticket.

- Guys, what'll it be?

- Meats and cheese, give me that.

Ah, sh*t.

- Ah, bugger.

- F***ing idiot!


F***in' hell.

Meats and cheese.

Get me the f*** out of here!

Did you keep away from that boy's school?

Dad, I'm not even interested in boys.

I'm way too busy for that sort of stuff.

- What is this sh*t?

- Sh*t?

This music has its roots in an

ancient culture. Go on, try it.

Dad, it's sh*t.

In today's show, we've

touched briefly on jalapeos.

But let's not forget

these little hotties...

- also work as a dessert.

- Shhh. She's filming.

Next week we'll be making jalapeo

jelly. Now, open up, Bruce.

- So. What do you think?

- Strong!

I would like to thank Bruce

Takutai for coming into

my kitchen today and talking

about his new book.

"Sharkbait - a story of survival."

Would you look at that? Amazing.

Until next week:
See you later, friends.

- Cut.

- Oh, my baby!

- Is he all right?

- Oh, Pepe's sort him out.

Look at you! Skin and bone! You

need some good home-cooking.

Glove box, glove box! Tape him up,

stop him bleeding on the velour.

- Who the f*** is the dick?

- We needed an explosives star.

We might have overdone it a bit.

Sorry, mate.

Okay, baby, this is gonna hurt.

- Slowly.

- What's this?

Morphine. Better than aspirin.

- Stop the f***in' car. Let Gigi drive.

- Hey, I only take orders from your bro.

Is that right? Little

Paulie all grown-up now, huh?

F*** you, Richie.

- Kiaora Rina.

- Shaun.

- What?

- You've got bosoms.

It's just an observation. You go away for

six months and you come back all womanly.

You're a woman. A woman.

Ah, God, you haven't changed at all.

You know

nothing's ever gonna

happen between us, right?


You can't see the future.

Only I can.

The treaty partnership fully realised.

These balls are really heavy.

Yeah, I weighted them with rocks,

to make my wrists stronger.

- I love your poise, Rina.

- Oh!

Where the hell are we?

- That's a big box of chocolates.

- The first copy.

And what's the marketing

plan for this one?

I've decided to be a

guest on your show.

Oh, of course you did.

And it's gonna be better than

the crap you usually have on.


Right, you have to leave. If Jay catches

a boy in my room, he'll go mental.

- Well, don't you think it's time

I met him proper then. - No.

- That's quite a long way down, Rina.

- Tough.

- You wouldn't.

- I might.

- You don't have a nasty bone in your body.

- Oh, come on.

I'm gonna keep this and imagine you

inside it with your lovely new bosom.

You lose a lung, you

become a victim of incest,

suddenly you're on the best-seller list

and you're being promoted on

Cappuccino Television show.

Oh, maybe you should cut

something off, Jerry.

You've already chopped my balls off,

sweetheart, what more do you want?

Come on, it'll be great. I just want

a stab at the big time, you know.

- You're like the Oprah of the future.

- Oprah?

- Uh-huh.

- And what exactly is that supposed

to mean. Are you saying I...

- What's that?

- Oh! That.

We agreed that you tell you.

- Role change.

- So now I have to perform all day,

think of dinner and do the big talk.

Please tell me what this

is doing in our fridge?

It's fake, right?

Oh, baby.

While you've been away, your father

and I have had a wee life-style change.


You eat people?

- What is wrong with this car?

- Well, it was checked by the AA.

- Paul, shoot this f***er right now.

- Cops!

Oh, go into that garage. Go, go.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Hey! What are you doing?

Not a word! Not a f***ing word!

- Hi, honey. I'm home.

- My nose.

Where's the switch to the garage door?

- Hurry up!

- Okay, okay.

Come on.

- Now move it. Sit down.

- Sit down.

Come on. Calm down, calm down.

- Nice drapes.

- Sit down.

I know you.

Get out of my house

before I call the cops!

- No! Please don't!

- We're the new home owners. So shut up.

- They can't just disappear.

- Could've gone into one of the houses.

Yeah, but which one?

- Anybody else live here?

- No.

Gigi and I'll check the rooms.

You sort his wounds out.

Whose hand was that?

Sweetheart, let's just

deal with this first, okay?

You f*** up again, wonder

boy, and I will kill you.

- You need some more morphine, bro.

- Yeah.

You're a little uptight.

Where'd you find that guy?

Anthony Cheever?

This has nothing

to do with you!

- Talked to Ritchie about it?

- He was in f***ing jail!

Besides, Gigi, I'm not like

you, I can think for myself.

- You check the rooms?

- The longer we stay here,

harder it is to get out.

Look, just leave it to me, OK, because

I'm the one who set this whole thing up.

So, I say when we stay and when we go.

Brothel under in Seaview? Ah, a

teacher at Reparoa Intermediate?

- Where's the boy?

- Leave her alone!

- Where?

- Margaret! Margaret Crane!

Shoot her! Shoot her! Shoot her!

Hey, man, her book, "Food for Flatmates",

saved my life when I was a student.

Look, she wrote a cookbook, OK.

A harmless little cookbook.

You lied.

No, I didn't. Technically he

doesn't live here, all right?

- He's always at his mates.

- Where is he now?

- His name is Glenn and he's at his...

- He's at his cricket game, okay?

Is there anyone else in this f***ing

house, technically or otherwise?

- No.

- Weren't expecting anyone else?

You have my word.

- Whoa!

- Run, Glenn!

You're gonna have to remodel

this living room, maggots.

I'll kill you f***ing all!

Now, now. That's just the speed talking.

Split them up.

It's just a suggestion, little

brother. We're in the burbs now.

The neighbors don't like

their lives disturbed.

I'll take the girl.

- I'll take that f***er.

- All right. Gigi gets the kid.

- And wonder boy, here, gets the writer.

- I'm the writer.

I'm the damn writer here.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

Shut up!

Why don't I take the girl?

- Why should I listen to you?

- I just risked my life breaking you out.

You nearly got me killed.

Don't you remember the good times, Ritchie?

You really can't live without me.

Hey, baby?

- Just let me get the girl.

- F*** you.

Get in that room.

So, when did you emigrate from Taiwan?

What makes you think I'm

from Taiwan, f*** knuckles?

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Briar Grace Smith

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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