Fresh Meat

Synopsis: A dysfunctional gang of criminals takes a middle class Maori family hostage and discovers too late that they are cannibals.
Genre: Comedy, Horror
Director(s): Danny Mulheron
  2 nominations.
91 min

- You wouldn't believe it, but ...

- Let me guess:
no soap?

You wouldn't mind if I, eh...

Dad! Dad!


- Hey, it's mom.

- Yeah, she's ubiquitous.

- Ubiquitous?

- She's everywhere.

- Oh.

- She's probably watching us now.

A visitor from Tijuana gave me this one.

Plenty of jalapeo gives

it a whole lot of bite.

Ah, but don't make the

mistake of using cheap meat.

Now, I'm just adding a wee

bit of rosemary here.

It really bring out the-the flavor

and the tenderness of the pork.

Got a chip?

I'm gonna f*** your hairless

ass all the way back to China.

He will. I've seen it.

Butter is your friend.

Do you speak English?

- I am from Otaki.

- No sh*t?

We got a place here in New Zealand

sounds just like that, eh?

They're all right, mate.

Should have bought a lotto ticket.

- Guys, what'll it be?

- Meats and cheese, give me that.

Ah, sh*t.

- Ah, bugger.

- F***ing idiot!


F***in' hell.

Meats and cheese.

Get me the f*** out of here!

Did you keep away from that boy's school?

Dad, I'm not even interested in boys.

I'm way too busy for that sort of stuff.

- What is this sh*t?

- Sh*t?

This music has its roots in an

ancient culture. Go on, try it.

Dad, it's sh*t.

In today's show, we've

touched briefly on jalapeos.

But let's not forget

these little hotties...

- also work as a dessert.

- Shhh. She's filming.

Next week we'll be making jalapeo

jelly. Now, open up, Bruce.

- So. What do you think?

- Strong!

I would like to thank Bruce

Takutai for coming into

my kitchen today and talking

about his new book.

"Sharkbait - a story of survival."

Would you look at that? Amazing.

Until next week:
See you later, friends.

- Cut.

- Oh, my baby!

- Is he all right?

- Oh, Pepe's sort him out.

Look at you! Skin and bone! You

need some good home-cooking.

Glove box, glove box! Tape him up,

stop him bleeding on the velour.

- Who the f*** is the dick?

- We needed an explosives star.

We might have overdone it a bit.

Sorry, mate.

Okay, baby, this is gonna hurt.

- Slowly.

- What's this?

Morphine. Better than aspirin.

- Stop the f***in' car. Let Gigi drive.

- Hey, I only take orders from your bro.

Is that right? Little

Paulie all grown-up now, huh?

F*** you, Richie.

- Kiaora Rina.

- Shaun.

- What?

- You've got bosoms.

It's just an observation. You go away for

six months and you come back all womanly.

You're a woman. A woman.

Ah, God, you haven't changed at all.

You know

nothing's ever gonna

happen between us, right?


You can't see the future.

Only I can.

The treaty partnership fully realised.

These balls are really heavy.

Yeah, I weighted them with rocks,

to make my wrists stronger.

- I love your poise, Rina.

- Oh!

Where the hell are we?

- That's a big box of chocolates.

- The first copy.

And what's the marketing

plan for this one?

I've decided to be a

guest on your show.

Oh, of course you did.

And it's gonna be better than

the crap you usually have on.


Right, you have to leave. If Jay catches

a boy in my room, he'll go mental.

- Well, don't you think it's time

I met him proper then. - No.

- That's quite a long way down, Rina.

- Tough.

- You wouldn't.

- I might.

- You don't have a nasty bone in your body.

- Oh, come on.

I'm gonna keep this and imagine you

inside it with your lovely new bosom.

You lose a lung, you

become a victim of incest,

suddenly you're on the best-seller list

and you're being promoted on

Cappuccino Television show.

Oh, maybe you should cut

something off, Jerry.

You've already chopped my balls off,

sweetheart, what more do you want?

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    "Fresh Meat" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 8 Dec. 2021. <>.

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