Frankie Boyle Live 2: If I Could Reach Out Through Your TV and Strangle You I Would

Synopsis: British television's sharpest tongue delivers the painfully honest goods in this performance from his 2010 stand-up tour. Dismantling popular culture and modern society with equal glee, Boyle wears his political incorrectness as a badge of honor.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Brian Klein
76 min

(Compere) Here we go, Apollo!

(Cheering and whistles)

(Compere) Let's rip the fucking roof

offofthis place

as we welcome to the stage

the one, the only,

MrFrankie Boyle!

(Cheering and whistles)

(Cheering intensifies)


(Chuckles) l like your look, big man.

Why have you

got your trousers pulled up so tight

you've got one of those ball vaginas?

How you doing, little fella?

You couldn't look gayer if you

were skipping through a field of corn

wearing an Easter bonnet

and licking a lollipop.

You're like a living shrine

to Stephen Gately.


That's what my grandad

used to call a four-cock mouth.

We think that's what he was saying,

he had four cocks in his mouth

at the time.

How you doing, wee boys?

A fucking wee boy

with a receding hairline.

How are you doing, Benjamin Button?

You been hit

with a death ray or something?

What, are you a wee boy or are you

a fucking fresh-faced old man?

What the f*ck are you?

A wee boy? ls this your parents?

Fucking hell, you brought...

You brought two...

Don't worry...

your mum knows you wank.

Your mum wanks too.

Sometimes your mum wanks your dad.

The only thing they don't know

is you wank

thinking about

your mum wanking your dad.

What are you chatting about,

wee ginger fella?

l'll get the house lights put up

and we'll all watch you die

from cancer.

Fucking shape up, pal.

l'll abuse you so badly,

you'll think l was a friend of the family.

(Laughs) How are you doing, Hair Bear?

Where'd they find you,

on a fucking hunting trip?

He fucking looked round,

"Who does he mean?"

l mean you, the guy who looks like

he's covered his head in Pritt Stick

and gone down on Susan Boyle, you.

When you clean out your bath plug,

do you feel like

Chewbacca's gynaecologist?

ls that your girlfriend?

Never let her sober up.

lt's a poster campaign for Rohypnol

down there.

(Laughs) How are you doing, madam?

l've always admired the ability

to do make-up in the car.

Did you hit a couple of speed bumps?

You've gone for evening wear there.

F*ck, are you at the wrong show.

"Fucking bought tickets

for Michael Mclntyre and here we are...

"listening to jokes

about Down's syndrome. My God!"

How are you doing, wee boys?

What's your story? Are you a schoolboy?

Good boy. l feel like l'm fucking

grooming you now, that's just...

This is horrible.

What's your ambition, man,

when you leave school?

- Professional cricketer.

- To be a professional cricketer.

You fucking English cunt.

(Cheering and whistles)

Cricket is, of course,

practised in Scotland

as a homosexual martial art.

What about you, have you got

a more realistic world view?

- A pilot.

- You what?

- To be a pilot.

- You want to be a pilot? Fantastic.

(Woman cheers)

A fan of pilots.

(Man cheers)

There's a few of them.

(Scattered cheers)

Shut the f*ck up now, OK?

l can handle abusing this wee boy...

Not probably the best choice of words

to use, right?

Look at this moany-faced bastard.

The sort of guy who moans about bald kids

jumping the queue at Disneyland.


(Cheering and applause)

Boys, see if he follows you

into the toilets, scream.

You'll probably make him come quicker.

Now, for me,

the luckiest guy in the world, Jack Tweed,

- Jade Goody's old boyfriend.

- (Laughter)

- l haven't fucking done it yet.

- (Laughter)

Cos he presumably made some money

out of selling his story.

Got plenty of sympathy sex.

Apparently consensual.

Doesn't have to bring up the kids,

they're somebody else's kids.

And, because she died

from cervical cancer,

during the three weeks

Rate this script:(0.00 / 0 votes)

Frankie Boyle

Francis Martin Patrick Boyle (born 16 August 1972) is a Scottish comedian and writer, well known for his pessimistic and often controversial sense of humour.He was a permanent panellist on the comedy panel show Mock the Week from its beginning in June 2005 until his departure in September 2009 and since then has made guest appearances on several other panel shows, as well as writing for Jimmy Carr's Distraction and Sean Lock's TV Heaven, Telly Hell. more…

All Frankie Boyle scripts | Frankie Boyle Scripts

FAVORITE (0 fans)

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Discuss this script with the community:



    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)


    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:


    "Frankie Boyle Live 2: If I Could Reach Out Through Your TV and Strangle You I Would" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 21 Oct. 2020. <>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    The Marketplace:

    Sell your Script !

    Get listed in the most prominent screenplays collection on the web!

    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.

    Thanks for your vote! We truly appreciate your support.