Excision

( gurgling )

( gasps )

( moaning )

( gasps )

( toilet flushes )

What do we do when we

use the bathroom, Bob?

We lift the lid.

l did.

You're disgusting.

Chew with your mouth closed.

Really, Pauline, l raised

you better than that.

Yes, you may be excused.

Thank goodness l have you.

Hm.

( bell rings )

Much has changed

since l was an adolescent.

The function of reproductive

organs, however, has not.

Now before we get side-tracked

looking at pictures of penises,

I want to have

a frank discussion

on the issue

of sexual transmitted diseases.

Fact:
One in two

sexually active teenagers

will contract an STD

by the age of 25.

What do you think about that?

Yeah, PauIine?

Can you contract an STD from

having sex with a dead person?

( chuckles )

Any real questions

in this audience?

Yeah?

Boy:
lf a mosquito bites you

that has AIDS...

No, I mean,

it would be one thing

if he was like muscular

and a ginger.

But he's scrawny and a ging

and it just doesn't work.

Oh, my God, you're so mean.

l think he's cute.

Okay, so last night Adam

couId not get hard

- and it was like totally awkward.

- It's never stopped me.

Okay, tell me the truth.

ls it this?

Like--

Please don't do that.

- ls it? Just tell me the truth.

- No.

- Kind of.

- ( laughs )

- Maybe he's gay.

- No.

Hey.

What did l miss?

Hey, nothing.

Your girlfriend's friend

thinks you're gay.

Excuse me?

You're not pretty enough.

( seatbelt alert beeping )

Buckle up.

l'm your mother,

it's my job and it's the law.

Buckle your seatbelt!

We're not going any further

untiI you do.

Thank you.

lf you want to be treated as an adult,

you need to start acting like one.

l don't understand why you insist

on playing these childish games?

Tell me about your day.

l'd rather not.

Tell me two things about your day

or l'm gonna hit the truth horn.

F*** the truth horn.

( horn honking )

All right, enough!

l learned about the Civil War

and sexuaIIy

transmitted diseases.

Lovely.

l guess we better get going.

We don't want to be late

for your appointment.

You could you at least

have the decency

to take me to an actual

psychiatrist.

Your father and I are

not made out of money.

Reverend William

is a very bright man.

You're Iucky to have him.

He's doing you a real favor.

( church bell rings )

What's the matter, Pauline?

What's the church's stance

on organ donations?

Well, it's a touchy subject.

Here we believe the body

is a tempIe.

And what if l told you l found

the resting pIace

of Jesus Christ

in my backyard

and that with just a few advances

in science and technoIogy

l could resurrect him myself?

l'd say that you are a very

troubIed IittIe girI.

I onIy want you to endure

the same gut-wrenching agony

during these sessions

that l go through

every single Sunday listening

to your sermons.

Thank you!

( church bells ringing )

l know l don't believe in you.

So you're totaIIy justified

if you choose to ignore me.

I just-- I've been meaning

to get something off my chest.

l haven't read your book

in its entirety.

Just can't bring myself to invest that

much time into a work of Iiterature

that's received so many

mixed reviews.

l'm an avid reader.

There's just so much

stuff out there.

Okay, here goes.

l'm planning on having

premarital sex.

I know you're not gonna

be 100% onboard with it.

Which is why l was wondering

if we couId discuss

your rules surrounding

forgiveness.

I'm under the impression

if l ask you to forgive me,

you kind of have to.

Which is pretty awesome,

I just got to say.

lf l'm off-base, let me know.

Otherwise, l'm gonna move

forward as planned.

Amen.

( bell rings )

( indistinct chatter )

Something the matter, Pauline?

l'm done.

Are you quite sure?

Quite.

Some of these equations here,

they don't seem to be completed.

That's probably because my ability

to soIve these equations

has absolutely no bearing

on my future as a surgeon.

Ah, a surgeon, of course.

You know, mathematics and surgery,

they go hand in hand.

l mean, if a patient's life

is at stake,

there's no room for error.

Get it done.

lt's such a lovely lapel pin.

You must tell me

where you came across it.

Sweetheart,

don't be confusing.

You know l can't

understand a thing

when you start waving

your hands around like that.

Mom?

PauIine?

What a wonderful surprise.

What the f***

are you doing here?

Don't make me wash

your mouth out with soap.

Why do you have this?

We were just talking

about Cotillion.

You're trying to ruin my life.

( bell rings )

Teenagers.

Mother, l'd like to talk to you about

why you were at school today.

What about it?

You do realize l'm too old

for CotiIIion cIass?

Mrs. Guthrie has decided

to open her doors

to a wider age range this year.

She's a dear friend

in dire need of assistance.

So I've decided to take

on a position as chaperone.

You can't be serious.

No daughter of mine

is going off to college

without knowing the ins and outs

of what it's like to be a proper lady.

l can't wait for Cotillion.

And what do you have to say

about all this?

l think what your mother

is trying to do is--

Your mother?

Excuse me.

This was our decision.

l knew Dad had nothing

to do with it.

You don't even have enough backbone

to stand up for your own wife?

You're repulsive.

Make sure Grace takes her pills.

Un-f***ing believable.

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