Every Thing You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask


Excellent feast!

Soon we will retire

to the royal bedchamber.

But first...

As I have been victorious

in this weekend battle...

I wish to be amused.

Bring me my fool!

Good evening, your Majesty.

It's great to be back here at the palace.

You know what the palace is:

it's 24 living rooms and a dungeon.

But seriously,

I love the King

He's one of the strongest men

here, isn't he?

He's the only one amongst us

that can swim the moat length twice.

I know you're out there.

I can hear you breathing.

But seriouly ladies and germs,

I want to say that...

that plague is really something, isn't it?

doesn't everything look black?

Coz it's a black plague.

Save it up and let me hear it

at the end, big.

I love the new exercise

his Majesty does to keep in shape.

It's called "taxing peasants".


the best thing of...

I can't stand it any longer!

He's not funny!

I've cut men in a half

for making jokes as bad as those.

Bring me a fool that's funny!

the feast is over.

Not funny.

I do a couple of impressions

that you might like, you know...

I'm one of the few guys that can do

the King of France. Not his voice, his walk.

If you haven't noticed

the funny motions when he walks...

going a little bit to the side.

Got a kind of...

Don't everybody burst

into spontaneous applause, on this.

Madame, I beg your puberty.

Beg it not, for thou hast thrown

the royal rubies and emeralds on floor.

I think we'll pick it up, and we spin it

and fain well on my fain.

- Thy pin.

- Yes, extend thy fane, madame.

And I, therefore,

on the knock of your hands. Perfect.

Didst I feel right?

or just I feel that thy two hands

werest upon my royal body?

Madame, not I, surely...

would never lay my hands on the royal tomatoes

in mixed company.

Hark on me, if my husband, the King,

and my son, the doctor...

walketh near upon these private paths...

and heareth what thy sayst

about copping a feel...

thy life would not be worth

a black nickle.

But, madame, so beautiful do they lay,

they're one on either side.

Either side? This way they were made,

fool. Away from me!

I fell on my bells.


or not T.V.?

That is the congestion.

Con-sumption be done about it?

Of cough, of cough.

Oh Jesus!

My jokes grow stale.

I would my life take

for a bare bodkin.

If only I could see

the Queen's bare bodkin...

or anybody's bare bodkin,

for that matter.

Or a bodkin

with little clothes on, even.

I'm so melon-choly.

Guildenstern and Rosencrantz

are dead.

their tailor shop is closed.


Who calls my name?

No one knows I'm here,

not even my service!

I am the ghost of thy father.

My father.

You, who died in childbirth.

I can't rest...

unless thee makest it

with the Queen.

But she is a Queen,

and I a baseborn fool.

I can't screw

above my station.

You must know, my son...

that thy uncle...

my father...

put hemlock in my ear.


Don't ask me why.

He does that with everybody

whenever he sees an ear...

he likes to put hemlock in it.

Oh, father!

See the sorcerer, my son.

The sorcerer!

He's gone.

Do I dare sleep with the Queen?

Will she sleep with me?

Although she sleeps with the King

and he wears leotards.

The sorcerer.

Ah, an aphrodisiac.

Do you want a soft one...

a strong one...

Or one that will... mmmh?

I'd like anything I can get

without prescription.

This, placed softly...

in the Queen's drink...

will make her blood boil.

Her passion unbridled...


- In other words...

- The hots for me.


But be cautious.

For if his Majesty

should get wind of thy intent...

He will cut off

your legs...

your arms...

and your head.


five out of six is not bad.

Now, go.

I think your eggs are done.

- Halt. Who goes there?

- I'm just the fool.

What business have you

in the royal chambers?

I'm just bringing her Majesty

her orange juice.

But why you?

Where is her usual servant?

He lies ill on the kitchen floor with a pox,

a terrible pox all over his socks.

- Get the enter.

- Yes, I'll get in hands, immediately.

Did you like the way

I fooled these guys?

Fool, what doest thy in my chamber?

Madame, I felt if upon a chance you might like a drink.

A nice soothing potion.

Well I do confess a thirst.

Bring it to me.

Yes. Wouldst grab some of this potion

before the fizz goes out.

- Isn't it wonderful?

- It bubbleth greatly.

Bolt some down, my lady.

- Cheerst.

- And roebuck.

It go down bubblest,

but it's fine.

Take it away.

Well, I have to go back now

to the dungeon...

to get the deposit

on the goblet.

Wait. Fool, come here.

I have on me this extraordinary warmth...

that is flowing through my veins,

it makes me wish... nay, longst...

that you run a mark over my entire body

and make love to me now.

- Ravage me and take me now, take me.

- It will be a pleasure.

- Take me now to the bed.

- To the bed?

- And make love to me now.

- Yes, to the bed.

- Lead me there, fool.

- Yes, I am.

For this passion groweth within me.

- Come quickly.

- I cannot walk fast, fool.

- The passion is so big.

- To the bed.

- Take me to the bed.

- Over here.

The potion will be

under the pillow.

So in case you lose your hot,

we can refurbish it.

Come round thy hands upon my body.

I shall,

I shall remind your brakes.

Nay, I need this feel

of naked flesh against flesh.

I'm all out of naked flesh

but would the velvet do?

- Now! Kiss me quick!

- Yes, where is your quick?

- Canst undress me now?

- I am kissing my own arm.

Yes. Up quickly,

and I will remove the royal dress.

Pullst not upon me.

On my feet, fool.

This is not mockery, this is not games.

At last!

What is this?

Heavy underwear.

'Tis the chastity belt

that the jealous King hath fastened on me...

that no man but him

shalst havest the goods of the body.

That's a bad a break for all of us

here at the palace.

Wait, wait here. I will go.

Here. Now, with most grievous dispatch...

I will open the latch

and get through her snatch.

This key is too big

for that lock.

Sorry about that.

I must think of something quickly,

because before you note...

the Renaissance will be here

and we'll all be painting.

- Her Majesty wishes to borrow this.

- What?

Yes, she has some food

stuck between her teeth,

and I need to pull it down.

Forgive me.

This I wanna call "beaver shooting".

Pick this lock.



- So now I am yours.

- At last, the portals of ecstasy.

You have the portals of ecstasy,

haven't you?

Be prepared, his Majesty has this day been awake

from his nap by a loud banging.

- He will clip thee in twin.

- Yes, clip me in twin.

Twin over here and the other twin

on the other side of the room.

On his chopping bock.

Yes, I do not look good in twin.

My suits are all made for a full person.

Then I shall not have this passion fulfilled.

Quickly, lock up the thing

that you have there.

Lock the royal box.

Quickly, before...

- Help me, help me.

- I'm helping, but...

Just done.

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David Reuben

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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