Every Thing You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask


Excellent feast!

Soon we will retire

to the royal bedchamber.

But first...

As I have been victorious

in this weekend battle...

I wish to be amused.

Bring me my fool!

Good evening, your Majesty.

It's great to be back here at the palace.

You know what the palace is:

it's 24 living rooms and a dungeon.

But seriously,

I love the King

He's one of the strongest men

here, isn't he?

He's the only one amongst us

that can swim the moat length twice.

I know you're out there.

I can hear you breathing.

But seriouly ladies and germs,

I want to say that...

that plague is really something, isn't it?

doesn't everything look black?

Coz it's a black plague.

Save it up and let me hear it

at the end, big.

I love the new exercise

his Majesty does to keep in shape.

It's called "taxing peasants".


the best thing of...

I can't stand it any longer!

He's not funny!

I've cut men in a half

for making jokes as bad as those.

Bring me a fool that's funny!

the feast is over.

Not funny.

I do a couple of impressions

that you might like, you know...

I'm one of the few guys that can do

the King of France. Not his voice, his walk.

If you haven't noticed

the funny motions when he walks...

going a little bit to the side.

Got a kind of...

Don't everybody burst

into spontaneous applause, on this.

Madame, I beg your puberty.

Beg it not, for thou hast thrown

the royal rubies and emeralds on floor.

I think we'll pick it up, and we spin it

and fain well on my fain.

- Thy pin.

- Yes, extend thy fane, madame.

And I, therefore,

on the knock of your hands. Perfect.

Didst I feel right?

or just I feel that thy two hands

werest upon my royal body?

Madame, not I, surely...

would never lay my hands on the royal tomatoes

in mixed company.

Hark on me, if my husband, the King,

and my son, the doctor...

walketh near upon these private paths...

and heareth what thy sayst

about copping a feel...

thy life would not be worth

a black nickle.

But, madame, so beautiful do they lay,

they're one on either side.

Either side? This way they were made,

fool. Away from me!

I fell on my bells.


or not T.V.?

That is the congestion.

Con-sumption be done about it?

Of cough, of cough.

Oh Jesus!

My jokes grow stale.

I would my life take

for a bare bodkin.

If only I could see

the Queen's bare bodkin...

or anybody's bare bodkin,

for that matter.

Or a bodkin

with little clothes on, even.

I'm so melon-choly.

Guildenstern and Rosencrantz

are dead.

their tailor shop is closed.


Who calls my name?

No one knows I'm here,

not even my service!

I am the ghost of thy father.

My father.

You, who died in childbirth.

I can't rest...

unless thee makest it

with the Queen.

But she is a Queen,

and I a baseborn fool.

I can't screw

above my station.

You must know, my son...

that thy uncle...

my father...

put hemlock in my ear.


Don't ask me why.

He does that with everybody

whenever he sees an ear...

he likes to put hemlock in it.

Oh, father!

See the sorcerer, my son.

The sorcerer!

He's gone.

Do I dare sleep with the Queen?

Will she sleep with me?

Although she sleeps with the King

and he wears leotards.

The sorcerer.

Ah, an aphrodisiac.

Do you want a soft one...

a strong one...

Or one that will... mmmh?

I'd like anything I can get

without prescription.

This, placed softly...

in the Queen's drink...

will make her blood boil.

Her passion unbridled...


- In other words...

- The hots for me.


But be cautious.

For if his Majesty

should get wind of thy intent...

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David Reuben

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Every Thing You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2022. Web. 6 Oct. 2022. <https://www.scripts.com/script/every_thing_you_always_wanted_to_know_about_sex_*_but_were_afraid_to_ask_7797>.

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