East Is East

# So we waved our hands as we marched along

# And the people smiled as we sang our song

# And the world was saved as they listened to the band

# And the banner man held the banner high

# He was 10 feet tall and he touched the sky

# I wished that I could be a banner man

# And the drums went boom and the cornets played

# And the tuba oompahed all the way

# And the kids and the dogs were laughing... #

[Man] Tariq, check out the nurses!

# And the banner man held the banner high

# With an hallelujah in his eye

# I wished that I could be a banner man

# Glory, glory, glory

# Listen to the band... #

That's right, Saj. Give 'em a scatter.

# Ain't it something grand

# To be as good as you can

# Like the banner man?

# So we reached the square on top of the hill... #

Annie... Annie,

it's George. He's back early from mosque.

Bugger. Red alert!

- What's up? - Your dad's back!

[Man] Sh*t!

# And we marched right down into the town... #

[Man] Don't tip it, you'll drop Holy Mary!

[Woman] Come on, Spaz!

# Glory, glory, glory

# Listen to the band

# Sing... #

- Wait! - Move it!

# Ain't it something grand

# To be as good as you can

# Like the banner man?

# La la la... #

[Boy] Bugger.

- [Woman] Stop. - [Man] Why are you stopping?

# La la la... #

[Man] Go, go, go!

Hey, Ella, there's Annie.

# Glory, glory, glory... #

Hi, Annie!

# Listen to the band

# Sing that same old story

# Ain't it something grand...? #

F***ing wet meself!

Tariq, where's them nurses?

# La la la... #

Keep still.

Ah! You're pulling my hair!

Keep your bloody head still, then.

Sajid, ask your dad for the nit comb.

- I haven't got nits. - Well, stop scratching, then.

[Tuts]

Maneer, you out of that bath?

I've just got in!

That bath don't half scratch your arse.

Hey, you, gobshite, I've told you, keep it shut.

[Mum] And leave him. Sajid, go and hurry those boys up.

I look stupid in this.

Do it yourself, then.

[Mum] You look lovely.

[Door opens]

All right, our kid?

All right, Saj?

Looks great, Dad.

Tradition, see, Son?

All our people wearing this.

The watch.

Here. Says your name in Arabic.

See? Nazir.

Son? Today you make me feel very proud.

You two, pack it in now.

Meenah, veil on. Sajid, you get me those cigs.

And take that bleedin' parka off.

Maneer, move it!

Abdul, Tariq, Saleem, let's look at you.

[Mum] Hat.

Ella?

Your son.

Sellotaping, sellotaping...

- Gorgeous. - 0ne whole roll.

Sellotaping, sellotaping.

[Woman] They're 'ere!

[General chat]

Look at that lot. Pickaninnies' f***in' picnic.

- All right, Saj? - All right, Earnest?

See you later.

What you f***in' grinnin' at?

Nothing, Grandad.

They just look funny, that's all.

How you doing, my love?

Earnest! Get your arse over 'ere!

Room for a little 'un?

Ay-up!

[Cheering]

[All] Bye! Bye!

[Barks]

[Indian music]

[Doors slam]

[Music stops]

[Room grows quiet]

Abdul.

You all right, Son?

[Mum] Nazir?

- I can't do this, Dad. - Nazir, come, sit down.

No! I can't!

- Nazir, don't do this! - Sorry, Dad!

- Nazir! - Nazir!

Why he wants to do this?

And bring a shame on my family.

I no understand.

No understand.

Maybe I should have take family to Bradford long time ago.

More Pakistani there, see?

No this problem.

It will always be difficult for you, Zaheed.

They are different.

[Children's voices]

- She's lovely. - Shut up.

What the heck's that?

- You caught any fish yet, Spaz? - Get stuffed!

- She is just gorgeous. - Shut up.

Three pound, love.

- 'Ere y'are, love. - Your change.

[Ella] Ay-up.

Annie, Ella. How you gettin' on with that Islam?

Rate this script:(5.00 / 1 vote)