Dudley Do-Right

1

Once upon a time,

in the little village

of pudding-on-the-ritz,

there lived a wolf named phox.

That's "phox" with a p-h.

P-h-o-x, phox. My card.

There was no one so clever

driving a bargain.

Now, this horse is exactly

what you need, grandpa.

Got a three-speed bridle,

matching horseshoes,

wide sidewalls--

It's a steal at 40 pazoozas.

Can I look at its teeth?

Teeth? Teeth?

You buyin' a horse

or a beauty queen?

Come on, now!

Well, all right.

Here's your money.

And here's your horse.

Well, come on, horsey.

Hey!

I wanted a live horse!

It was alive,

but I didn't say when.

Nobody liked the phox

with a p-h, but nobody could

ever get the better of him.

One day,

the sly phox was tripping

through the woods...

Hardy-har-har.

When he chanced upon

a mysterious box

sitting in an open glade.

On its top was written

this strange legend:

"To take my treasure

you may try,

but he who opens me

shall die!"

A treasure chest!

Gadzooks,

I'm in luck!

Ooh, but whoever opens it

shall die,

ergo, I gotta get some dummy

to open it for me.

But who would be

that much of a nitwit?

Desmond dullwit wasn't exactly

the village idiot--

But I came in second.

Desmond, old buddy!

I need somebody

to, open a box for me.

No, you don't.

Whoever opens that box

is gonna die!

How'd you know that?

I was, like, listening to

the first part of the story.

You know,

so I ain't gonna open it.

But you must, Desmond.

That box holds

a beautiful princess...

Who was, put under a spell

by a wicked witch, remember?

- Well, listen.

- Little did Desmond know...

That the wily phox was

an accomplished ventriloquist.

Ooh, help!

Help me, Desmond!

Criminitlies!

There is somebody in there!

Hey, how does she know

my name?

Why, she's been secretly

in love with you for years!

Joy bells!

Hang on, honey!

Lover pumpkin is here!

Sainted aunt Hannah!

Look at that!

Gold, jewelry,

queen Victoria's spittoon!

I'm rich! Rich!

I don't see

no princess, Mr. phox.

Of course not, you stupid lox.

It was a joke, get it?

Ha-ha-ha-ha?

Gee.

Well, here.

You go get yourself

a big croker sack,

and we'll divide

all the treasure--

half and half,

even-Steven, 80-20.

Yeah, all right.

But I'd rather

have a princess.

No sooner had Desmond gone...

Than the wily phox pulled out

a croker sack of his own...

And began filling it

with the priceless treasure.

Meanwhile, Desmond wandered

through the lavender Glen

looking for a croker sack.

There he chanced upon

a beautiful milkmaid.

Hi, there, missy.

You wouldn't happen to

have an old croker sack on ya,

would you?

- Why, I'm wearing one.

- Yeah, I just need it to put

my priceless treasure into.

Priceless treasure?

Just a minute, honey!

Here you are!

Ooh, thanks a bunch!

Wait for me, lover pumpkin!

The smarmy phox had filled

his sack when he noticed one

small coin left in the chest.

An Indian head penny!

Of course, the greedy phox

had to have it.

Hey, you kiddin'?

They bring three pazoozas

on the open market.

But, in reaching

for that last penny,

phox overbalanced and--

Here I am, Mr. phox.

Ooh, looky!

He must have left

my share for me.

Where'd he go?

I'm in the box!

Let me out!

Sure, you are.

What a kidder.

Get me outta here!

Well, thanks

for divvying up with me,

Mr. phox, wherever you are.

And the stupid lox ambled off

followed by the milkmaid.

Hold it, sugar puss!

It's dark!

Years later,

whenever anyone would ask

about the phox with a p-h,

the answer was

always the same:

Who cares?

As for Desmond dullwit,

he and his beautiful wife

lived happily...

To a ripe old age.

Wait a minute.

The legend said whoever

opened the box would die.

Yup.

But it didn't say when.

Once upon a time

in Canada, there unfolded

a tale of heroes and villains,

and it all began

with two boys, a girl

and a horse.

I don't know, Dudley.

Choosing what you want

to be when you grow up

is a very serious matter.

It's not a question

of what I want, Nell.

It's my destiny to become

a royal Canadian mountie.

I think I'm going to have to

get out and see the world

before I choose.

- What a bunch of wimps.

- Why? What are you

going to be, snidely?

Me? Isn't it obvious?

I'm going to be the bad guy.

- Why?

- 'Cause the bad guy

has all the fun,

and if you're the bad guy

you get to do stuff

like this...

Snidely!

And this!

So long, mountie-boy!

I can ride better than that!

I can do this better too.

Why, Dudley!

Come on, Nell.

Though young

Nell's heart was torn between

Dudley and snidely,

her two very best friends

in the world,

Dudley's mind was filled

with nothing but visions

of growing up to be a mountie.

Of course, this surely

wouldn't hurt in his quest for

the young Nell,

for a mountie is

always brave...

And strong and cool.

Ouch!

Let's try that again,

shall we?

A mountie is always brave

and strong and--

It was 20 years later,

and Dudley do-right had

fulfilled his destiny.

He had grown up to be

a royal Canadian mountie,

and his faithful horse, horse,

who had grown up as well,

was the best-trained horse

this side of ottawa.

Fetch!

Okay, so he wasn't

that well-trained.

Still, Dudley was a member

in good standing of the

royal Canadian mounted police.

He had his own grown-up fort.

He had his own

grown-up office.

He had, indeed, grown up

to be brave and strong

and cool.

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