Dudley Do-Right
1
Once upon a time,
in the little village
of pudding-on-the-ritz,
there lived a wolf named phox.
That's "phox" with a p-h.
P-h-o-x, phox. My card.
There was no one so clever
driving a bargain.
Now, this horse is exactly
what you need, grandpa.
Got a three-speed bridle,
matching horseshoes,
wide sidewalls--
It's a steal at 40 pazoozas.
Can I look at its teeth?
Teeth? Teeth?
You buyin' a horse
or a beauty queen?
Come on, now!
Well, all right.
Here's your money.
And here's your horse.
Well, come on, horsey.
Hey!
I wanted a live horse!
It was alive,
but I didn't say when.
Nobody liked the phox
with a p-h, but nobody could
ever get the better of him.
One day,
the sly phox was tripping
through the woods...
Hardy-har-har.
When he chanced upon
a mysterious box
sitting in an open glade.
On its top was written
this strange legend:
"To take my treasure
you may try,
but he who opens me
shall die!"
A treasure chest!
Gadzooks,
I'm in luck!
shall die,
ergo, I gotta get some dummy
to open it for me.
But who would be
that much of a nitwit?
Desmond dullwit wasn't exactly
the village idiot--
But I came in second.
Desmond, old buddy!
I need somebody
to, open a box for me.
No, you don't.
Whoever opens that box
is gonna die!
How'd you know that?
I was, like, listening to
the first part of the story.
You know,
so I ain't gonna open it.
But you must, Desmond.
That box holds
a beautiful princess...
Who was, put under a spell
by a wicked witch, remember?
- Well, listen.
That the wily phox was
an accomplished ventriloquist.
Ooh, help!
Help me, Desmond!
Criminitlies!
There is somebody in there!
Hey, how does she know
my name?
Why, she's been secretly
in love with you for years!
Joy bells!
Hang on, honey!
Lover pumpkin is here!
Sainted aunt Hannah!
Look at that!
Gold, jewelry,
queen Victoria's spittoon!
I'm rich! Rich!
I don't see
no princess, Mr. phox.
Of course not, you stupid lox.
It was a joke, get it?
Ha-ha-ha-ha?
Gee.
Well, here.
You go get yourself
a big croker sack,
and we'll divide
all the treasure--
half and half,
even-Steven, 80-20.
Yeah, all right.
But I'd rather
have a princess.
Than the wily phox pulled out
a croker sack of his own...
with the priceless treasure.
Meanwhile, Desmond wandered
through the lavender Glen
looking for a croker sack.
There he chanced upon
a beautiful milkmaid.
Hi, there, missy.
You wouldn't happen to
have an old croker sack on ya,
would you?
- Why, I'm wearing one.
- Yeah, I just need it to put
Priceless treasure?
Just a minute, honey!
Here you are!
Ooh, thanks a bunch!
Wait for me, lover pumpkin!
The smarmy phox had filled
his sack when he noticed one
small coin left in the chest.
An Indian head penny!
Of course, the greedy phox
had to have it.
Hey, you kiddin'?
on the open market.
But, in reaching
for that last penny,
phox overbalanced and--
Here I am, Mr. phox.
Ooh, looky!
He must have left
my share for me.
Where'd he go?
I'm in the box!
Let me out!
Sure, you are.
What a kidder.
Get me outta here!
Well, thanks
for divvying up with me,
Mr. phox, wherever you are.
followed by the milkmaid.
Hold it, sugar puss!
It's dark!
Years later,
about the phox with a p-h,
the answer was
always the same:
Who cares?
As for Desmond dullwit,
he and his beautiful wife
lived happily...
To a ripe old age.
Wait a minute.
The legend said whoever
opened the box would die.
Yup.
But it didn't say when.
Once upon a time
in Canada, there unfolded
a tale of heroes and villains,
and it all began
with two boys, a girl
and a horse.
I don't know, Dudley.
Choosing what you want
to be when you grow up
is a very serious matter.
It's not a question
of what I want, Nell.
It's my destiny to become
get out and see the world
before I choose.
- What a bunch of wimps.
- Why? What are you
going to be, snidely?
Me? Isn't it obvious?
I'm going to be the bad guy.
- Why?
- 'Cause the bad guy
has all the fun,
and if you're the bad guy
you get to do stuff
like this...
Snidely!
And this!
So long, mountie-boy!
I can ride better than that!
I can do this better too.
Why, Dudley!
Come on, Nell.
Though young
Nell's heart was torn between
Dudley and snidely,
her two very best friends
in the world,
Dudley's mind was filled
with nothing but visions
of growing up to be a mountie.
Of course, this surely
wouldn't hurt in his quest for
the young Nell,
for a mountie is
always brave...
And strong and cool.
Ouch!
Let's try that again,
shall we?
and strong and--
It was 20 years later,
and Dudley do-right had
fulfilled his destiny.
He had grown up to be
and his faithful horse, horse,
who had grown up as well,
was the best-trained horse
this side of ottawa.
Fetch!
Okay, so he wasn't
that well-trained.
Still, Dudley was a member
in good standing of the
royal Canadian mounted police.
He had his own grown-up fort.
He had his own
grown-up office.
He had, indeed, grown up
to be brave and strong
and cool.
Ouch!
Now, Dudley's lifelong rival,
snidely k. Whiplash, had
fulfilled his destiny as well.
He had become the bad guy, and
bad-guy friends with him.
Can I h-help you?
Could you wait till
everyone's in, please?
- What's the meaning of this?
- This is a holdup.
Now give us all your gold
and all your money
or we'll shoot you.
- All of you?
- All of us!
No, wait. Kevin,
go and get the money.
- Yes, sir.
- Don't forget the gold.
- And don't forget the gold.
It's been a pleasure
doing business with you.
We got the money
and the gold!
Let's go, boys!
Snidely knew the call would go
out to Canada's number
one mountie.
Too bad he was tied up
with official mountie
business.
No, no, no.
The anchovies go on the half
with the pepperoni,
and then it's
one-quarter garlic
and one-quarter olives.
Good! 20 minutes?
That's it.
Thanks, mom.
I love you too.
Here we go.
Meanwhile, back at snidely's
not-so-secret hideout--
Well, here's the money,
but where's the gold?
- Whiplash took it.
- Where is whiplash?
- He's gotta be here
somewhere.
He took off with all the gold.
All we have is
this measly $26,000.
We gotta find whip.
He's tricked us.
And when we do,
we're gonna kill him...
Really slowly.
Yeah, but where is he?
Now, that's a good question.
- I heard he was in the Sudan.
- Where's that?
In Africa, stupid.
- He's supposed to be
at the Hilton hotel.
- The Hilton?
- - Come on, boys!
Let's go get him!
Of course,
what the boys didn't know was
that is was snidely himself...
Who was sending them to
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"Dudley Do-Right" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 14 Oct. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/dudley_do-right_7331>.
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