Dracula: Dead and Loving It

Synopsis: Another spoof from the mind of Mel Brooks. This time he's out to poke fun at the Dracula myth. Basically, he took "Bram Stoker's Dracula," gave it a new cast and a new script and made a big joke out of it. The usual, rich English are attacked by Dracula and Dr. Van Helsing is brought in to save the day.
Director(s): Mel Brooks
Production: WARNER BROTHERS PICTURES
 
IMDB:
5.8
Rotten Tomatoes:
11%
PG-13
Year:
1995
88 min
291 Views

In such close quarters,

I feel compelled to introduce myself.

I'm Thomas Renfield, Esquire.

Solicitor from London.

English.

My wife and I, we love the English.

Don't we, dear?

I confess I'm not accustomed

to these Transylvanian roads.

Feeling a bit queasy.

Queasy? I tell driver to go slow.

Driver...

The sun is setting.

We must make the village

before dark. Quick!

Faster! Faster!

Hold on, English!

Yes, I quite understand.

I say, driver, can you slow up a bit?

Yes!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Driver, don't take my luggage down.

- I'm going on to Borgo Pass tonight.

- Yes.

- What are you doing?

- Too dark.

I go no further.

From here on, you walk.

You are going on tonight?

- Yes, I'm going to the castle.

- Castle?

Yes, I'm scheduled to meet Count Dracula.

Dracula?

Scheduled?

Yes, I have business with the Count.

No.

- You must not go.

- Why not?

Because we people

of the mountains believe...

vampires live at the castle.

- Vampires?

- Yes.

They are the undead.

They rise from the coffins...

at night.

Yes.

They take the form of wolves or bats...

and puncture the throats of their victims

with their teeth...

and drink their blood.

Surely that's just superstition.

No. Madame Ouspenskaya is right.

Please, my son...

take this cross.

No, thank you.

Take the cross.

Its holy love and spirit of goodness...

will shield you from the lurking danger.

No, really. No, thank you.

- Damn it, take the cross.

- Of course.

- That'll be 15 kopeks.

- Okay.

Thank you.

If I have to walk, I have to walk.

No. Don't go. Please. I beg of you.

But you don't understand. I'm expected.

Well, ta.

What?

How do you do?

I'm Thomas Renfield,

solicitor from London...

to see Count Dracula.

Oh, my. Oh, dear. Oh, no.

Children of the night.

What a mess they make.

I am Count...

Dracula.

- Are you hurt?

- I am perfectly fine.

It would take much more than that

to hurt me.

Come.

Come, Renfield.

- Oh, dear.

- Renfield...

don't dawdle.

Be there in half a tick.

Yes.

Sorry, I was detained.

Embarrassing, really. I thought

I saw you walk through the web...

so I assumed I could.

Then I thought to myself,

"Perhaps I can go around the other way."

But, no.

It was attached on all sides.

- So I thought to myself...

- Renfield, I don't care.

And now, if you are not too fatigued

from your journey...

I'd like to discuss the purchase

of Carfax Abbey.

Yes, of course.

I have the papers right here.

Very good.

There we are.

- A bit dusty, isn't it?

- Yes, I like it.

Sign here.

And here.

There we are.

Yes, congratulations.

You're now the owner of Carfax Abbey.

One copy for you...

and one copy for me.

- Are you all right?

- Yes, just a paper cut.

Oh, dear.

Don't worry,

I have hanky here somewhere.

Let's see, where are we?

How stupid of me.

It's worse than I thought.

I must have nipped the vessel.

My God.

What are you doing to the furniture?

What are you on about?

What's all this, then?

Who are you people?

I'll have you know

that's my knee you're straddling.

No, stop it at once.

No, this is wrong.

This is wrong, do you hear me? Wrong.

Wrong me. Wrong me.

Wrong my brains out.

Oh, yes!

What is going on here?

You think this makes me proud of you?

Now go, whilst I make him my slave.

And stop that.

So, Renfield...

do you feel better now?

You were having a nightmare.

A nightmare?

But it was so real, so vivid.

Two voluptuous women grinding, heaving.

How to describe it?

- Have you ever been to Paris?

- Yes.

Let me show you an old Transylvanian

method for relaxation.

Look into my eyes.

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Mel Brooks

Melvin James Brooks is an American actor, comedian, filmmaker, composer and songwriter. He is known as a creator of broad film farces and comic parodies. more…

All Mel Brooks scripts | Mel Brooks Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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