Dorian Blues

He died ten years ago,

and I still find...

...its good to talk about it sometimes.

I find it's good to

talk about everything.

My therapist says

I overdo that.

That I overanalyze.

Of course, she's bulimic so

let's not get too preachy.

But the first thing you

should know about me: I'm gay.

I'm gay, and what's more,

a stereotypical gay.

Always loved fashion,

hated sports...

...and though it doesn't

always work to clich...

...it did in my family

where there was me...

...and there was my

kid brother, Nicky.

He wouldn't look at another

guy except to ask for a beer...

...was our school's star

quarterback, great student.

When they say high school are

the best years of your life...

...there talking about

his life, not mine.

Look at that smile like he

grew up in a blue jeans ad.

Hey whoa, hold on a sec

Nick, let 'em take you in.

Thanks.

Really had to

twist his arm, huh?

See, confidence for my

brother was never an issue.

I don't care if its

with women, guys...

Oh, great, company.

Yeah, don't ask me her name.

Yeah, Hi.

How are ya?

Good to see ya.

No, it's OK Nick.

Go on, play.

I envied him, 'cause

he was so normal.

Dad loved normal.

There's Dad now,

fixin' the old set.

Dad was usually

in a foul mood.

This, actually is one of

his more spiritual moments.

And there's mom,

rolling those pennies.

This is about 14

years back now.

The funeral I showed you

is still a few years off.

This is where we start.

Bush, the father, was

in the White House.

I was a senior in high

school, my brother, Nicky...

...a Junior, and Dad was

in his raging prime.

Of course it

wasn't all yelling.

There was the dinner hour,

when we discussed politics...

...or, more accurately,

Dad discussed, we agreed.

There was an unwritten

rule in our house:

You did not disagree

with my father directly...

...especially about politics.

So, to exert your

individuality you simply...

...agreed with him in the most

original way you could find.

Well, that was our mistake in

giving up Vietnam was that we...

...gave the communists the

idea that we didn't have...

...the resolve for a long fight.

U h, and that our free press

was always going to undermine us.

Well put.

Well put.

You know N icky, you make more

sense than men twice your age.

I mean doesn't he,

doesn't he?

Good job, son.

But as this particular dinner

continued, and Dad went on...

...certain of everything,

something very nerve-wracking...

...began to happen to me.

For the first time in my life,

I began to get the urge to disagree.

The more I fought the urge,

the more it grew, and grew, until...

I disagree.

I'm sorry.

What was that?

I said, I disagree?

I think you're wrong.

- Oh, I forgot the applesauce...

- No, no, no sit.

- It's right in the refrigerator.

- No, sit.

Everyone in our house has a

right to their own opinion.

So what's yours, Dorian?

You tell us exactly

what I'm wrong about.

N ixon.

I don't think he was

a good president...

I think he was a bad

president and a bad man.

I think what Dorian

means here is...

I meant what I said, Nick.

Why?

Why was N ixon a

bad president?

Well he wasn't honest.

Oh.

Well, was Kennedy honest?

Kennedy?

Yeah, uh, was

John F. Kennedy honest...

...with the way he won

the election in 1960.

You know, with Cook

County Illinois and...

...the West Virginia Primaries?

Well, I'm sure he

wasn't always honest...

I don't think any

politician is.

Well then I'm legitimately

confused because if they were...

...both dishonest why

do you hate N ixon...

...and have a picture

of J FK on your wall?

A lot of reasons.

- You thought JFK was great.

- Right.

Well then, your criterion for

greatness can't be honesty...

...otherwise by your own

admission you'd be a hypocrite.

I'm not a hypocrite.

No, no.

I, I know.

That's what I'm struggling with,

because without you being...

...a hypocrite your

argument makes no sense.

Kennedy wasn't a

paranoid schizophrenic.

Oh, N ixon is a paranoid

schizophrenic.

I think so.

- So this is an expert opinion.

- Expert?

Well, yeah.

I mean that's a rather

sophisticated psychological term;

...paranoid schizophrenic.

So I was wondering if, if you

have any experience in the field.

A psychiatric degree that

qualifies you to make...

...such a conclusive diagnosis

on a man you've never met.

No.

Maybe you think because you

have a few emotional problems...

...of your own it makes you sort

of an honorary doctor of the stuff.

Discussion over.

Potatoes please.

You know, I will give you one

piece of advice via another...

...great American president;

Abraham Lincoln...

...who said:
"I would rather sit

quietly and have them think...

I have nothing intelligent to

say rather than open my mouth...

...and remove all doubt.

I got shot down,

but it was worth it...

'cause it jarred something.

Later that night,

I had an epiphany:

For the first time in my life,

I realized I was gay.

Not just confused, or going

through a phase but actually gay.

That night I came out

of the closet to myself.

But this only

made things worse.

I was anxiety-ridden

out of my mind.

I needed to talk to someone.

But there was no one in

my family I could go to.

I didn't have any

friends in high school.

High school.

Finally in my desperation

I ended up downtown...

...at social services where I met

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