Dorfman

---

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(HORNS HONK)

MAN ON TV:
AFTER SEVEN YEARS

OF ADVERTIZING MY ELECTRIC

FOOD DEHYDRATOR:

AND BEEF JERKY MACHINE,

I'VE DECIDED...

POP, PLEASE.

NOT WHILE WE'RE EATING.

(TV TURNS OFF)

THANK YOU.

SO THE LAKERS ARE

LOOKING GOOD THIS YEAR, HUH?

I THINK KOBE'S GONNA

TAKE IT ALL THE WAY.

I HAVE NO APPETITE.

MOM WOULD WANT YOU TO EAT.

HAPPY NOW?

I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE.

THINK YOU MIGHT GO OUT TODAY?

MAYBE CHANGE IN TO SOMETHING

THAT DOESN'T SCREAM JOHNNY CASH.

YOUR MOTHER LOVED

JOHNNY CASH.

SHE LOVED ALL MUSIC,

ESPECIALLY AMERICAN IDOL.

NOBODY VOTED MORE

THAN YOUR MOTHER.

NOBODY.

SHE WAS CRUSHED:

WHEN THE JESUS FREAK

BEAT OUT THE FAGELA.

(GRUNTS) DAD...

WHAT DID I TELL YOU

ABOUT USING THAT WORD?

HERE WE GO.

I CAN'T TALK IN MY OWN HOME?

IT'S MY HOME TOO.

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY "GAY?"

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT ALL GAY.

YOUR COUSIN MARVIN'S A FAGELA

AND I'VE NEVER ONCE

SEEN HIM SMILE.

OK. ENOUGH WITH THE HOMOPHOBIA.

YOU'RE SO MISERABLE HERE. GO.

I WISH. BUT I PROMISED MOM

I WOULD STAY HERE

AND TAKE CARE OF YOU.

I SHOULD GO LIVE

WITH YOUR BROTHER.

HE TREATS ME LIKE A KING.

WELL, THE SOONER THE BETTER,

YOUR MAJESTY.

I'M SORRY, POP.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE

I COULD DO FOR YOU TODAY?

YEAH. YOU COULD KILL ME.

BUT THEN:

WHO WOULD TORTURE ME?

MAN ON TV:
...MOUTH WATERING

PORK LOIN ROAST.

NINE JUICY:

1/4 POUND HAMBURGERS.

FOUR BIG,

HEALTHY SALMON STEAKS.

("HELLO DARLING"

BY PIERRE DE REEDER PLAYS)

(SIGHS)

WOMAN THROUGH SPEAKERS:

DESIRE RAGED IN EVERY PORE

OF HIS BODY.

A FLASH OF HEA POUNDED HIS LOINS.

FOR SHE WAS A SIREN.

HE MARVELED AT THE SUPPLE ARCH

OF HER BEAUTIFUL BACK,

HER TINY WASTE TAPERING

TO A HEART-SHAPED DERNIER.

HE CROUCHED IN FRONT OF HER

SEATED FORM. CHAPTER THREE.

"LET ME LOVE YOU,"

HE WHISPERED.

SHE WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH

TO RESIST THIS.

"NOTHING ON EARTH CAN QUELL

THE FLAMES OF MY HEART."

DESIRE AND SHINE...

OH, MY GOD!

IT IS MY DREAM WEDDING DRESS.

WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT HAS NO BEADING.

AND I LOVE BEADING.

FORGET IT. THIS SUCKS.

ALLEN, CHILL.

WE'RE PREPARED FOR THIS.

YOU GOT A PRENUP.

MOLLY, IS DEB IN?

YES, MR. DORFMAN.

(TYPING)

HEY, DEB, I'M OUT OF HERE

AFTER LUNCH TODAY.

GOT TO GO SCHMOOZE WILLIAMS.

YOU FINISH HIS NUMBERS?

-YEAH.

-I NEED YOU TO PULL UP

ALLEN KLEIN'S PRENUP.

AND I NEED THE TAX ANALYSIS

FOR THE LINEAR CITY AUDI BY WEDNESDAY.

UH...DONE AND DONE.

AND ABOUT MY RAISE,

YOU SAID THAT YOU

WOULD SLEEP ON I A MONTH AGO.

I'M GIVING YOU

SOMETHING BETTER--

A NEW 17.3-INCH LAPTOP.

I'LL SEE YOU SUNDAY, DEB.

YOU'RE MY ROCK!

-YOU'RE MY ROLL.

-ROCK AND ROLL!

SO I SAID TO MYSELF, "LEEANN,

LISTEN TO YOUR LIFE COACH

AND ANSWER THE QUESTION.

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY?"

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW

WHAT I ANSWERED?

A RALPH LAUREN MENORAH?

DON'T MAKE FUN

OF MY MENORAH COLLECTION.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD

GO TO CONVERSION CLASS

AND HONOR THE TRADITIONS

OF OUR HEBREW PEOPLE.

SORRY. OK. SO WHAT IS I THAT YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY?

I NEED A BABY.

BUT YOU HAVE A BABY,

NAMED DANIEL. HEH. BOOM.

UHH...

YOU DON'T FOOL ME, DEB.

YOU JUST CRACK JOKES

TO HIDE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS.

WELL, 'CAUSE NOBODY WANTS

TO LISTEN.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

WE'RE HERE FOR YOU.

WELL...

OK. YOU KNOW, LEEANN,

THE TRUTH IS I'VE REALLY

BEEN MISSING MY MOM LATELY.

DEB, THE PAST IS THE PAST.

LET'S FOCUS ON THE FUTURE.

OUR CLOCKS ARE TICKING.

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,

OUR BOOBS ARE GOING

TO BE SAGGING:

AND OUR FACES WILL LOOK

LIKE OLD PRUNES.

WOW. NOT JUST PRUNES.

OLD PRUNES.

YEAH. DON'T SURRENDER, DEB.

GET IN THE GAME AND FIGHT.

ASK THE QUESTION.

DON'T BE AFRAID.

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