Don't Be a Menace to South Central

What up, y'all?

Yo. I'm fixin' to tell you

how it is in the hood.

- See, 'cause in the hood,

everybody's a target.

No, it ain't like that.

I'm goin' tell you the real deal

what it goes on in the hood.

See, in the hood, most of us

won't reach the age of 21.

Happy birthday, homie

- For me?

- Yeah. Happy birthday, homeboy

- For me?

- Yeah. Make a wish.

- Agh!

No, Lord! No, Lord! Not my baby!

I know You didn't do me wrong, Lord!

No! He done--

Oh, my Junior!

I nursed him with these!

Lord, why?

- Not my baby!

- Yo. Yo!

- Yo, yo! This ain't your baby.

This ain't your baby.

Mmm? Ah. Ain't that some sh*t.

I'm outta here.

I'm gonna tell you what

it's really like livin' in the hood.

I moved back into my father's

house after livin' with my moms

for most of my life.

Tray, I don't want you

hangin' out in the streets.

I want you to finish school,

'cause without an education the only

work you're gonna get is sellin' drugs,

pimpin' women or workin'

security for Eddie Murphy.

Now, I've done all I can.

I got my education;

I worked two jobs to support you.

But I can't teach you

how to be a man.

Only your father

can do that.

Now gimme a kiss

and be a good boy.

- I love you, Tray.

- Love you too, Mom.

So, will I see you again?

Sorry, baby.

You know there ain't no positive

black females in these movies.

- Sorry.

My father tried

his best to give me advice.

The problem was, he was only

a couple of years older than me.

Fool, I told you I don't

want no damn Watchtower!

Hey, what's up, nigga?

- What's up, Pops?

- Oh, how you doin', man?

- How you doin', man?

- How's it goin'?

- Oh, man!

- Look at you. It's goin' be on!

- Look at you, man!

Look, you got big, man!

- Oh, you know.

Last time I seen you,

you was about this tall.

They wouldn't even let you on

the rides at the amusement park.

Had to take you to kiddie land.

- Remember that?

- Yeah, but it's all good.

- I was just about to eat

breakfast. You hungry?

- No, I'm full, man.

- I had some Red Hots.

- Oh, is that right?

Cool. Hey, man, come on in.

Oh, please allow me.

You're the guest in my house, man.

Make yourself at home.

Hey, are those your Bo's?

- Yeah.

- Hey, I'm gonna be sportin' them, man.

It's good to have you

up in it too.

- I'm gonna finish gettin' my

swollen on right. Have a seat.

- All right. Cool.

Hey! Make sure your

ass is on that plastic.

Look, Tray.

So we're not bumpin' heads.

Man, if you gon' be stayin' here,

you gon' have to follow some rules.

No smokin' my sh*t.

Don't let me catch you drinkin' my sh*t.

And if you bring any of them ho's up

in here, make sure I f*** 'em first.

And, uh... you gon'

have some chores.

- Chores?

- That's right. Chores.

Nigga, this ain't gon'

be no free ride!

Uh, you gon' have to

keep track of my Matchbox cars.

You got to organize the damn

Sega Genesis cartridges.

Do my homework, since you want

to be such a smart ass.

After that, in the nighttime,

cut the hair on my balls.

- Can I ask you a question, Pop?

- Yeah.

What you gon' be doin'?

Hey! Look, nigga, I ain't got

to do nothin'. My mama take care of me.

-I know you think I'm bein' hard on you.

What the hell. I guess I'm tryin'

to teach you some responsibility.

- You right, Pop.

- No sh*t.

Hey, could you do me a favor?

Could you line me up in the back?

That's gon' run you

about $13.

Thirteen dollars?

Come on, man. The Spanish dude

down the block only charges six.

- Well, take your ass to him

and let him f*** your head up.

- Nah, I'll let you cut me up.

Hey, Tray, let me

ask you a question, man.

- What's up?

- You still a virgin?

Of course.

Well, there was this one dude

who rubbed up against my butt

one time, but I ain't like it.

Hey, man, I'm talkin'

about girls, man!

Oh! Girls? C'mon, Pops.

Now, you know I be gettin' mine.

- Mmm. I mean, you gettin' it,

or you gettin' it?

- I'm gettin' it.

- I didn't tell you about

that little honey dip?

- Uh-uh. What honey?

- Oh, Pop, I met the finest

little brown-skinned cutie...

down at

the corner market, man.

She had big breasts

and big legs. Ass was-- Pow!

- Ghetto booty! Yes.

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

So, you know, I knew she liked me,

'cause we locked eyes.

- Mm-hmm.

- So I started to get into

my mack daddy Denzel mode.

You know? Yeah. So I start fixin' my

eyebrows, make sure they was straight.

Fix my hair, make sure

it was slick and greasy.

- Makin' sure my breath wasn't stinkin'.

- Hey, get to the f***in' part!

- Oh. Okay. So anyway...

I went over to her house

one Sunday mornin'.

Her moms had

just gone to church.

And we had the place

all to ourself.

So you know, we got to kissin',

lickin', slobbin'.

You know, doin' the wild thing.

- When we got up there,

it was like heaven.

Better than

my wildest fantasies.

Well, apparently, her moms must have

forgot her purse or somethin',

- 'cause she came back home.

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