Dinner for Schmucks

Synopsis: Tim (Rudd) is a rising executive who "succeeds" in finding the perfect guest, IRS employee Barry (Carell), for his boss's monthly event, a so-called "dinner for idiots," which offers certain advantages to the exec who shows up with the biggest buffoon.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Jay Roach
Production: Paramount Studios
  1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
114 min

Poor Jacobson.

He took his stapler?

How pitiful is that?

Still, you got to hand it to him...

he wen! for it.

That was his big mistake.

Always stay in

the middle of the pack.

It's the frontrunners

who fall off the cliff.

At least Jacobson made it

up on the seventh floor.

It smells like cabbage on this floor.

That's the smell of dead dreams.

I go to the clubs at night

and people are like,

"Hey, who's wearing the coleslaw?"

Do you know how hard it is to get laid

when you smell like coleslaw?

NO! hard, but Still.

He had a pretty sweet office. I wonder whos gonna get it?

You wonder who's gonna get his office?

Jesus, Josh, why don't

you show a little class?

The guy just got fired.

- Im gonna get that office.

- Youd better, Tim.

You need that job. With that car youre driving and that apartment?

You're overextended.

These opportunities

don't come along all the time.

Right now, the window's open

and if you hesitate, bam!

You're gonna be my assistant.

Assistant to an assistant.

You can't go lower.

It's a shitty job, Tim.

Do you think Julie's

gonna marry you then?

Don't mess this up.

- Good pep talk.

- All right. Go, team!

The whole reason we bought

the plant was to shut the factory,

shed the workforce

and sell the equipment.

But now, it's all contaminated

with low-level radiation.

- Nobody wants to touch it.

- Americans are so uptight

- about radiation.

- They are.

But the Russians are a little less

particular about this sort of thing.

I like it. Get two bids.

Drive up the price.

- OK, that makes sense.

- On a different note, you'll notice

hat our colleague, Doug Jacobson, has been relieved of his duties. I

Mr. Jacobson led us right to the edge,

playing around in the currency markets.

As a consequence, tomorrow morning,

I want ten ideas to make up

for his mistakes.

- What are you doing?

- I have an idea.

An analyst...

- ...has an idea. OK, then.

- Nice knowing you, buddy.

Sixth floor, stepping up, Nice!

It's all right. it's dead.

It's manufactured by Mueller Armaments,

from Zurich, Switzerland.

It's a company that made

a fortune during World War I.

Now they're sitting on

a bunch of bombs

that even the worst armies

in the world don't want.

All right, so we

cannibalize the company...

,,,who's gonna buy the pieces?

Oh, no, we're not gonna

strip this one down.

Novelty lamps. Great idea.

We could literally make

hundreds of dollars. Hundreds.

- Who cares about lamps?

- Marlin Mueller does.

When Martin isnt busy running his familys business into the ground,

he's either yachting

or buying art for his castle.

The business is going under,

but his personal fortune is vast.

Nearly half a billion.

I heard he was in town, so I sent

a prototype over to his hotel.

He loved the lamps.

He wants to sit down.

The lamps are really just a way

to get our foot in the door.

We're gonna lose money on them.

But we'll make millions

managing his personal portfolio.

Mueller keeps his business.

We've got a brand-new client.

- Everybody wins.

- Everybody wins. That's a new one.

- Caldwell, you want to take the lead?

- Absolutely.

I'll ride shotgun.

Actually, I was hoping

I could take the lead.

Let me think... no.

You should've quit

while you were ahead, buddy.

You know what they say...

tallest tree gets chopped down first.

- Well, that went well.

- Mr. Conrad?

Have you got a second?

Come in!

You can just set

your bombs by the door.

You put on quite a show

in there. Sit down,

Oh, that looks good on him, right?

Yep. Better than it did on Jacobson.

You're gonna need a nicer watch.

Rate this script:(5.00 / 1 vote)

David Guion

David Guion (born 30 September 1967) is a French football coach, currently for Reims, and former professional footballer who played as a defender. more…

All David Guion scripts | David Guion Scripts

FAVORITE (0 fans)

Submitted on August 05, 2018


Translate and read this script in other languages:

Select another language:

  • - Select -
  • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
  • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
  • Español (Spanish)
  • Esperanto (Esperanto)
  • 日本語 (Japanese)
  • Português (Portuguese)
  • Deutsch (German)
  • العربية (Arabic)
  • Français (French)
  • Русский (Russian)
  • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
  • 한국어 (Korean)
  • עברית (Hebrew)
  • Український (Ukrainian)
  • اردو (Urdu)
  • Magyar (Hungarian)
  • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
  • Indonesia (Indonesian)
  • Italiano (Italian)
  • தமிழ் (Tamil)
  • Türkçe (Turkish)
  • తెలుగు (Telugu)
  • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
  • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
  • Čeština (Czech)
  • Polski (Polish)
  • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
  • Românește (Romanian)
  • Nederlands (Dutch)
  • Ελληνικά (Greek)
  • Latinum (Latin)
  • Svenska (Swedish)
  • Dansk (Danish)
  • Suomi (Finnish)
  • فارسی (Persian)
  • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
  • հայերեն (Armenian)
  • Norsk (Norwegian)
  • English (English)

Discuss this Dinner for Schmucks script with the community:


Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:


"Dinner for Schmucks" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 4 Jul 2020. <https://www.scripts.com/script/dinner_for_schmucks_6936>.

We need you!

Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

Watch the movie trailer

Dinner for Schmucks

The Marketplace:

Sell your Script !

Get listed in the most prominent screenplays collection on the web!

The Studio:

ScreenWriting Tool

Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.

Thanks for your vote! We truly appreciate your support.