Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

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(DRUMROLL)

(FANFARE PLAYING)

(MUSIC ENDS)

Do we have to come to Corny's?

This place is for babies.

Then you fit right in, Greggy.

It's not a place for babies,

it's a place for family-style dining,

right, Frank?

That's right.

And the buffet's all-you-can-eat,

so take advantage.

Thanks for inviting me, Mr. and Mrs. Heffley.

I hear their ball pit is super deep!

(CRYING)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

# Right down from my toes

to my belly and brain #

# Gotta shake myself

jump up in the shower #

# Gotta fix my health

how many hours #

# Did I spent last night

with the whiskey neat #

# In a really big zone on the floor #

# Until I lost the beat #

# And now I'm incomplete #

# Heebie jeebies #

This place really is the worst.

BOY:
Incoming!

(PIG GRUNTING)

It's his new video.

It's supposed to be awesome.

Okay, enough.

You know the rule...

devices away during dinner.

MAC DIGBY:

So I'm cruising through the spaceship

and it looks like you get

to interact with all the aliens.

So it's pretty tight. Pretty amazeballs!

I hate that Mac Digby.

He's a horrible role model.

Are you kidding?

He's like the greatest guy I know.

Hey!

Rowley, I bet your family

doesn't have this problem with technology.

Oh, yeah, my mom's really strict

about her one-hour limit on screen time.

See?

One hour a day, that's all they need.

It's a week. One hour a week.

I have failed as a parent.

No.

So who's excited

about the Great Heffley Road Trip?

Hmm?

A journey across the U.S. of A. to Meemaw's.

Do we have to go?

It's Meemaw's 90th birthday,

and everyone's gonna be there.

We're gonna see family

we haven't seen in years.

Oh, come on, Greg.

I promise we're gonna make it fun for you.

If I go, will you give me

money to fix my van?

- No.

- Can't we just fly?

No.

A road trip is a great opportunity

to spend time together as a family.

It's four days in the car. Together.

It's not exactly what I had planned

for summer vacation.

MANNY:
Mommy!

Mommy!

Oh, no. Manny's stuck.

Mommy! Mommy!

- Greg, will you go help him?

- Why me?

Cause you're the only one

who can fit in there.

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

KID:
Ow! I bumped my head.

Ugh!

It stinks of old socks.

(GROANING)

ROWLEY:
Good-bye, Greg!

Manny, stay there.

Hey, Bubby.

GIRL:
We're in the ballpit! Yeah!

Manny? Manny?

Manny?

KID:
Whoa!

Manny?

Manny!

Manny! Manny?

Diaper! It's a diaper,

it's a diaper, it's a diaper!

It's a diaper!

It's a diaper!

(CROWD LAUGHING)

I knew we shouldn't have come here.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

If there's one thing I've learned

from my years of being a kid,

it's that you have zero control

over your own life.

Take Mom, for example.

She's always on me to do "healthy" things,

like read books and play outside.

It's the worst.

(GROANS)

(RAIN FALLING)

(SCREAMING)

If she had her way,

we'd be living like people did

before there were computers and cell phones.

But human beings have evolved.

Now we need things like video games

and smartphones to survive.

- (SCREAMS)

- (SPLASH)

All she cares about is family time.

Now don't get me wrong.

I like my family and all,

but I'm just not sure

we're all meant to live together.

Maybe things will be better one day,

when we all have our own places

and only see each other on the holidays.

But right now,

this combination of people

is just not working.

(BIKE BELL RINGS)

This is a disaster.

Diaper! It's a diaper,

it's a diaper, it's a diaper!

That's it. My life is over.

It already has 6,000 views.

Congrats, Diaper Hands, you've gone viral.

GREG (ON VIDEO):
Diaper! It's a diaper!

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