Cyrus

John?

John!

John!

Johnny?

Johnny, I'm coming in.

- Ahh!

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Oh, sh*t!

- Ahh! Ahh! Ohh! Whoa! Whoa!

What? What?

What? What the f***?

I didn't see nothing.

Jamie. Jamie, what-- Stop.

Jamie, what are you doing?

What's going on?

God, I'm sorry.

Oh, man.

I was-- I have jock itch, okay?

I was scratching my jock itch.

You scared the hell out of me.

I didn't see anything, okay?

You can't just come in.

You have to call.

- I did call you! I called.

- What are you doing here?

I'm getting married.

Tim and I are getting married.

I'm engaged.

I knew it.

I knew it. I could tell from the sound

of your voice on the messages.

I knew it. Sh*t.

John, it's been seven years.

I don't know what to tell you.

It still stings.

And it's still a surprise.

Listen.

We're going to this party

tomorrow night.

Tim and I are going.

Just listen.

It's a great party.

Very cool people.

People who would

stimulate you intellectually,

and I, you know-- I hear really,

really kinda great chicks.

I'm not going to a party.

Yeah, you are.

You're coming.

You gotta get out of the house.

Just let me do my thing.

I'll find my own way.

I'll find someone

or I won't,

and I'll be a great uncle to your kids.

Stop it.

You're going to

take a shower,

and you're going to put some

pants on that are clean...

and those nice shoes.

And then you and Tim

will introduce me:

"Hey, this is the guy

that I dumped--

"who's my ex-husband--

but you'll love him!"

You know how pathetic

that sounds?

This is the perfect opportunity.

You're coming.

- I want you to come.

- I'm not going to a party.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, John.

How's that going?

Good.

Good.

It's just, that, you know,

I could stare at a fire

for hours, you know?

It's like TV.

What?

This is--

I came. I got dressed up.

I know you did. I know.

John, drink that.

It's Red Bull and vodka.

Drink it. Get lit.

Ladies find you attractive.

Come on.

All right, all right.

I'm not messing around. I'm serious.

You want me to get insane?

Yeah.

In the membrane.

John, put it

inside your body.

Tip it. Tip it. Tip it.

Let's go.

Ahh.

Giddyap. Come on, Big John.

Go, Johnny.

Come on.

Lot of pretty girls here.

Look at her. Oh, she's--

No, you can't follow me too.

Just watch and learn.

They were $39,

and I'm like, "See those?"

And he's like,

"They're perfect." Hey.

Hi.

Are you waiting for the bathroom?

Uh, no. Go ahead.

No, no.

I was just asking.

I don't have to-- I don't have to go.

Oh, well, it's right there.

Anyway, um, so--

Where did you get those?

Ooh, ooh.

Sorry.

I think the screws

came out.

Anyway--

You're just gonna hold that?

Well, um, we're kind of, like,

having a conversation here, so-- Oh.

Oh. I'm--

I'm gonna have some

conversations too here, eventually.

Hey, can I have

a vodka Red Bull?

Hey.

Hey.

- Do I know you?

- No, I was just being stupid.

You seemed friendly.

Hey--

Uh, red, please. Thanks.

Red Bull?

You having Red Bull? Uh, wine.

Oh.

Thank you.

So-- Mmm, no.

No.

Thanks.

I'm not an architect.

I'm not a deejay.

I'm not a... marketing executive.

Listen. Marketing--

You gotta be yourself and be

vulnerable and be honest...

and just get out there and

talk to somebody who's like--

Who should I talk to? you know,

seems like a normal girl.

Name one person. Look at the woman

on the couch. She's totally cool.

Okay, her? Done.

I'll go do it. Okay.

Hi. Is anyone sitting here?

Uh, no, go ahead.

Ahh!

Hi. I'm John.

I'm Ashley.

Nice to meet you, Ashley.

Thank you.

Are you having a good time?

Not really.

Me, either. Uh...

Can-- Listen.

I know we just met.

Can I be honest with you?

I just want to level

with somebody, okay?

Sure.

I am in a tailspin.

And I'm lonely.

I'm depressed,

and I'm borderline desperate.

But... I don't know.

I just-- I know myself.

I know that

I'm a really fun person.

I'm not a lonely person

or a depressed person.

I have-- I don't know.

I just feel like if I could find

the right person to be with me--

I have so much to give,

you know. I have all these gifts.

I'm like--

I'm a blast, you know?

I'm sorry.

I have to make a phone call.

Okay. That's--

Okay. Plan B.

You need to get more drunk.

- Nice penis.

- Ohh!

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

No.

- Go ahead, finish up.

- No, no, no.

Why does this keep happening to me?

It's the second time this week.

Really?

Yeah.

The other one was my wife.

My ex-wife. She's getting remarried,

but I'm fine with it, so--

Yeah, I overheard your-- your

conversation on the couch up there.

Ohh. Did you?

Yes.

- That was horrible.

- No, it wasn't.

I thought it was

really raw and honest.

You mean that?

Yeah.

- You really mean it?

- I did.

'Cause, um,

I've had a lot of weird conversations tonight,

and if you really mean that,

I think I'm gonna start crying.

I mean it. I mean it.

I mean it.

Why am I even--

I can't talk to you.

What am I doing?

I'm just gonna mess this up.

'Cause you're a really

hot girl and I'm just--

I'm sorry.

You're not messing it up.

Are you flirting with me?

This is insane.

I'm like Shrek.

What-- What are you doing--

I-- I didn't say that.

What are you doing here

in the forest with Shrek?

I was gonna pee

in the bushes--

Really?

and you took my spot.

Oh! Do you hear that song?

What?

Wait. I'm sorry.

Wait right here.

It's the greatest song ever recorded,

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