Crazy Famous

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WELCOME TO MY UNIVERSE

HERE IT'S JUS THE TWO OF US

I'M COMING THROUGH

YOUR SPEAKERS:

AS CLOSE AS I'LL GE TO BE WHERE

EVERY DAY ANOTHER PERSON

WRITES ANOTHER SONG

HOPING THAT TODAY

IS THE DAY:

THAT YOU WOULD SING ALONG

YOUR SYMPATHY:

IS PART OF ME:

TO PAY FOR ME:

YES!

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD SEE

WHAT A STUPID SONG

COULD MEAN:

TO SOME KIDS:

LIKE YOU AND ME:

OH, OH

OH:

OH, NO, NO, NO

OH...

[MAN] BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

ANYONE CAN BE FAMOUS,

AND YOU DON'T REALLY NEED

GOD-GIVEN ABILITY TO DO IT,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN

YOU GO OUT THERE

AND SHOOT UP:

A CROWDED MOVIE THEATER.

THAT'S JUST WRONG,

BUT IF YOU'RE MOTIVATED,

YOU CAN GET YOURSELF

ON A REALITY TV SHOW,

OR JUMP CARS ON A MOTORCYCLE

OR... OR MARRY A MOVIE STAR

OR SIMPLY FIND A WIFE

WILLING TO HAVE 20 KIDS.

AS FOR MYSELF,

MY BEST SHOT AT THE LIMELIGH IS TO BUDDY UP

TO THE PRESIDENT.

I JUST NEED THE ATTENTION

OF THE MEDIA FIRST.

SO YOU JUMPED:

THE CAMP DAVID FENCE

TO BE ON THE 11:
00 NEWS?

YEAH, IT'S PRETTY INVENTIVE,

HUH?

[CHUCKLES]

HEY, WHERE'S

ALL THE TV CAMERAS?

- TV CAMERAS?

- AND REPORTERS.

I THOUGHT I'D BE DOING

A BUNCH OF INTERVIEWS BY NOW.

- I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

- THERE'S NO INTERVIEWS,

MR. MARCUS.

THERE'S NO REPORTERS

OR CAMERAS EITHER.

IT'S JUST US.

JUST US?

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT?

I DON'T GET IT.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE

BIG NEWS.

PEOPLE... PEOPLE JUMP THE WHITE

HOUSE FENCE ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T THINK CAMP DAVID

HAS THE SAME IMPACT.

I UNDERSTAND THE PRESIDEN - WASN'T EVEN THERE AT THE TIME.

- REALLY?

MR. MARCUS, CAN YOU IDENTIFY

THE PRECISE POIN WHEN YOUR PREOCCUPATION

TO BE FAMOUS:

- INITIALLY MANIFESTED?

- EXCUSE ME?

WHEN DID YOU FIRST TRY

TO BECOME FAMOUS?

FIRST TIME?

THAT'S EASY.

[WOMAN] I HAVE SOME REALLY

BAD NEWS FOR YOU, THOMAS.

YOUR DOG WAS HIT BY A CAR.

HE DIED.

I'M SO, SO, SORRY.

NO, REX? NOT MY REX.

NO, REX. PLEASE.

DID YOU TEACH HIM

THAT VOICE?

HE CAN...

- THAT'S IT?

- YEAH, MORE THAN ENOUGH.

HOW DO YOU EXPECT A YOUNG BOY TO

CRY WITHOUT PROPER MOTIVATION?

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, NEXT!

TAKE A SEAT.

TYLER, WELCOME.

[MUTTERING]

TYLER.

[TYLER]

NO, REX.

NOT MY REX.

NO...

[SOBBING]

REX, PLEASE!

YOU CAN STOP.

THAT WAS...

THAT WAS AMAZING.

I ACTUALLY FELT SOMETHING.

- OH, MY GOD.

- YOU'RE FANTASTIC, TYLER.

AND THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.

YEAH, THANK YOU.

EXIT THAT WAY.

ALWAYS DIFFICULT WHEN FANTASY

AND REALITY INTERSECT.

[MARCUS]

YEAH.

AFTER I SQUASHED

MY MOM'S DREAMS,

IT WAS MY DAD'S TURN.

GET A LITTLE ARC IN THERE.

- NOW, PAY ATTENTION.

- OKAY.

[GRUNTING]

JUST KEEP GOING.

KEEP GOING.

AN ELDERLY LADY:

[DOCTOR] DID YOUR DAD

GIVE UP AFTER THAT?

[MARCUS]

NOT YET.

HE WAS DETERMINED

TO GET MY FACE:

ON A BOX OF WHEATIES.

IF I WAS GOING TO MAKE

A NAME FOR MYSELF,

I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO I ON MY OWN.

[CHEERING]

GO! GO! GO!

GO, GO!

[COACH WHISTLE BLOWS]

TOO SCARED TO MAKE A SOUND

- [COACH WHISTLE BLOWS]

- [WOMAN] WINNER!

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

- [VOMITS]

- [OTHERS GROAN]

YOU KNOW, MR. MARCUS.

IF SOMEONE HAS ASPIRATIONS

TO BE FAMOUS,

IT'S USUALLY A PREREQUISITE

THAT THE INDIVIDUAL HAVE

SOME SORT OF:

EXCEPTIONAL TALENT OR SKILL.

- WOULDN'T YOU AGREE?

- CAN I BORROW YOUR CELL PHONE?

THERE MUST BE A PIC OF ME A CAMP DAVID GOING VIRAL BY NOW.

BASED ON YOUR FAILED ATTEMPTS,

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME

YOU FOCUSED:

ON MORE ATTAINABLE GOALS?

THIS IS NOT FAIR.

WHAT ABOUT THE COUPLE THA CRASHED THE WHITE HOUSE DINNER?

THEY WERE ALL OVER THE NEWS,

AND THEY WEREN'T EVEN

CHARGED WITH A CRIME,

SO WHY AM I HERE?

MR. MARCUS, ONLY .001% OF US

WILL EVER TRULY BE FAMOUS.

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