Coffee Town

1

My name is Will,

and this... is my office.

You've seen us before.

A sea of glowing screens

attached to your

coffee shop like barnacles.

Or... maybe you're one

of us, and you understand

we're not here to be

different

we're here to survive.

I manage a website

for an electronics company.

Mainly updating

driver downloads,

integrating advertising

revenue

with product-specific pla-

But, I do have a job,

so...

I guess I shouldn't

complain.

When I got laid off from

my office job a year ago,

I tried working at home...

But roommates can make that

difficult.

-I have f***ing aids!

Aaaiiiddss!

- So, I come here...

Coffee Town.

Though, it wasn't always

called that.

A local businessman,

Morris Brown,

wanted to starts a chain

of coffee stores

and since coffee is

brown...

he came up with the

ingenious name

Brown Town,

which some took the wrong

way.

So, it became...

Coffee Town.

And it works for me

because,

unlike some people in this

world...

- Do you have another card,

maybe?

- I live within my means.

- Next?

I drive a 1998 Saturn.

I used to have one of these.

I buy clothes at estate

sales.

- That was his church...

coat...

- I get my hair cut at a

cosmetology school.

- No...

...lose yourself. Don't be

afraid to fail.

-Uuh...

And... I use a coffee shop

as my office,

which I love.

It's three blocks from my

house, has comfortable chairs,

and, most importantly,..

people that are bigger

losers than me.

- Where's your dial-up

connection?

- But, like any office,

there are rules to surviving

and they have to be

followed.

The main rule? Always be

drinking.

If you stop drinking, you

stop being a customer.

And the reason I have to

play by the rules... is this

guy.

Sam.

He sees people me as

parasites,

squatters in his house of

free wi-fi.

- What'll it be, sir?

- He knows.

Medium drip... lightly

sweetened...

Sometimes I let him write

it all down.

Then I change it up.

With whole... milk.

I win.

Now I just have to find a

way to drink milk

without shitting my pants.

Another up-side of having

a coffee shop as your office

is your friends can drop

by and hang out whenever they

want.

This is Chad.

We've been friends since

high school.

- Mmm... mmm, cawamel...

I like... cawamel.

Mmmh... mmm

mmh...

- He works in the building

across the street

and visits during his

company-sanctioned smoke

breaks...

even though he doesn't

smoke.

- Coffee Town...

It's amazing that black

people got mad about Brown

Town.

I mean, if 'brown town' meant

them, that would mean it's

they're town.

Right? Isn't that what you

want?

Your own town? Just for you?

I mean, that's like havin'

a... a...

- Water fountain? Just for

you?

-You're making fun of me.

- Oh no, no, no. You pretty

much take care of that on your

own.

- Well, guess what.

I don't think that whole

water fountain thing is racist

either.

- See?

- You have a water fountain

just for yourself.

Everywhere you go, there's

two water fountains.

Now, sure, it's wrong if,

like, the black person water

fountain is like...

rusty, or something like

that.

But if it's just

as good as the white person

water fountain...

That's

more water fountains.

It keeps the crowds down!

- The water fountain crowds?

- I've stood in line at a

water fountain before.

- No you haven't.

- I know.

Because black people don't

like water fountains.

- What?

- Africa...

... is a desert continent.

- That's crazy... it's...

crazy.

- I am all for civil rights.

I'm like the number one civil

rights guy.

But, let's be real.

Since the civil rights era...

there's half as many water

fountains.

Fact.

- More often than not,

we're joined by our friend,

Gino.

- Gino

- Who became a police

officer solely to hook up with

women.

Which he's far more

skilled at than, you know,

stopping crime.

-Can I get a coffee?

-Sure.

- Hey, you're new here, huh?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, well, keep your head

down.

There've been some drive-by

shootings in the area

and I'd hate to see that

pretty face of yours gettin'

blown off.

- Oh my god.

- Gino's theory is that

fear stimulates women more

than flirtation.

- It's on the house.

- Look me in the eyes.

You're welcome.

- You're welcome.

- And as far as I can

tell... he seems to be right.

- You guys saw that, right?

Cop talk never fails.

- Aw yeah!

- I'm just glad you didn't

use the serial rapist on the

loose story.

- What, are you nuts? That's

my closer.

You open with that and they

associate you with rape.

And not the good kind.

- What?

- What?

- Hey, so was that drive-by

shooting thing bullshit?

- That actually was real,

my friend.

Guy got plugged over in

Norwich outta nowhere.

This whole town is going to

sh*t.

- Yeah, because you're in

charge of protecting it.

You know, at the academy,

when they asked me if I ever

did drugs

I said "no" to a detective,

and he took my word for it!

I've sold drugs.

- I can't believe you can

shoot people.

- Oh, I can, Will.

I could shoot anybody I want.

- Oh!

All units,

all units.

Possible break-in at

Beatty Towers. Back-up units

requested.

- One sugar's never enough.

You know what I mean? They

should make the packets huge.

Officer

down! Officer down!

- You gonna get that?

- No, it's so far away.

- Is the volume bothering you?

I should have been a cop.

There's literally no

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