Cleaner

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Take for instance last week.

A woman's going to visit her mother.

She has a bag of groceries

and a bouquet of flowers...

...to brighten up the place.

Mom.

Mom? Mom?

What she doesn't know is...

...three days prior,

her mother's fallen off a footstool...

...busted her head open

and broken her neck.

By the time she gets there,

her mother's body...

...is bloated with bacterial gases.

There's fluids leaking from

her eyes, ears, nose, mouth.

You get the picture.

Well, death is tragic.

But it's also big business.

Some people deal with it spiritually.

Others deal with it legally.

But what most people don't know...

...is that when someone dies

in your house...

...it's up to you

to clean up the mess.

Well, sure, the city will come

and take the body away.

But what they leave behind...

...is your own

personal little souvenir.

Now, most people

don't have the stomach for that.

That's where I come in.

Now, cleaning a body is...

...actually a lot like cleaning

any other household spill.

There are three basic steps.

First, get rid of all the bugs.

HIV, herpes, tuberculosis,

adenovirus, hantavirus, E. Coli.

Now, I assume all those things

are present, so I spray everything...

...with my own personal little cocktail

of antivirals and disinfectants.

And just between you and me,

I also throw in a little Listerine.

The original flavor.

It has an enzyme

that liquefies coagulated blood.

You gotta use the original flavor,

not that new blue or orange sh*t.

Well...

Tom, that's...

I... I mean...

I'll be right back.

- Didn't you use to be a cop?

- Yeah. Yep, I did.

Didn't have the stomach for it.

So, Jeff.

Well, what's going on with you?

Well, I'm still in the mortgage game.

Doing good there.

Of course, there's Laura and the kids,

all great.

Laura's mom, she's getting up there.

She's been sick.

She's staying with us now

in the back bedroom.

There's some days

she doesn't come out of there at all.

Tom, you wouldn't happen

to have a card on you, would you?

Oh, yeah, sure. Sure. Yeah.

Here you go.

- Can I have one?

- Oh, yeah, definitely.

There's enough here for everybody.

Yep, this is good. Call me.

That's Steri-Clean. That's me.

Gee, it's great to see y'all.

Quit stalling. Get the typewriter.

Pound out a lead.

- How much do you want?

- All you got.

Hello, give me Duffy.

- Call the mayor a bird of prey?

- Anything.

How about the time

he had his house painted?

Give him the works.

Hello, Duffy? Get set.

We got the biggest story in years.

"Earl Williams... "

How was it?

It was...

...funny.

- Funny how?

- Oh, you'll see in about 30 years.

Rekindle any old flames?

No, baby.

That candle burned out years ago.

- I'm beat. I'm going to bed.

- Good night.

You're gonna stay up

and watch this movie...

...with these people talking like:

- Yeah. I wanna see how it ends.

- All right.

Rose, I'll love you

until the end of time...

...because you're the girl I've wanted,

and you're the girl of my dreams.

Love you, baby.

- Is she there?

- No, I can't hear you.

- Where'd she go?

- Out someplace.

Last night...

Last night I dreamed I was...

...changing my baby's diaper,

and it was filled with blood.

And when I looked up, I mean,

he was f***ing dead.

You know,

and then I had to come in and...

I had to come in and clean the crib.

I gotta clean it up

before the mama comes in.

You want something? Gum, mints?

- Aspirin?

- I could use a drink.

How about we start with the aspirin?

Hey, you got a little girl.

What do you tell Rose?

What do you tell her you do?

She knows what I do.

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