
Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire
- Year:
- 2012
- 41 Views
1
'Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Moyles!'
Good evening.
Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire on BBC3.
We are here tonight at the
world-famous Hackney Empire theatre
in East London,
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight is all about comedy.
Right now, waiting backstage,
we've got some of the funniest
and finest comedians
who were willing to turn up
on a cold Monday night in June.
It's going to be a good night.
It's a big week for Hackney,
we've got Radio 1's Hackney Weekend
coming up this weekend.
The sound of a few people
who have tickets,
the sound of silence from people
that go "Bothered? Didn't get one."
Some of our stand-ups tonight
on the show actually come from
right here in Hackney,
which is brilliant,
because it means we don't have to
give them a car home.
They can walk and then we can use
the money we save
on drugs and boys.
As I said, this show is
Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire,
it's called that because,
for those of you that don't know,
I am Chris Moyles,
thank you very much.
but there will be
viewers at home tonight
the audience going, "Chris Moyles?
"He's that big, fat bastard
off the radio, isn't it?"
Yes, that would've been
true in the old days...
fat - can't argue with that.
Big - yes.
Bastard... guilty.
I used to be that man but not
any more, ladies and gentlemen.
Those were the old days,
the days before I lost some weight,
the days before I started
Next for men's sportswear.
Now, I am the new Chris Moyles that
you see in front of you tonight.
The new, improved, slimmer, sexier,
but don't worry, still a bastard.
Yes, I am Chris Moyles.
Do we have people from Hackney
in the audience tonight?
Hackney is amazing. It really is
a million-and-one different things.
It's energetic and it's vibrant.
It's nothing like the stereotype
But it's moving on. As far as I'm
concerned, this place is brilliant.
It's the only place I know where
at three o'clock in the morning
you can get yourself a kebab
and then pop next door
and get your hair braided.
Three o'clock in the morning!
Yes!
It is going to be a great
show for you tonight,
you are going to absolutely love it.
Please welcome Mark Watson!
Hello.
Hello!
Oh, thank you! Oh, it's nice to feel
warmth from the crowd like that.
I don't come out
and do a great, big thing.
I'm aware that I look unimpressive.
I'm really scrawny.
I'm so thin it's becoming
sort of a problem.
After a show people will often say,
"Have you eaten?"
Like, as if I'm not doing the meals.
Like I've not been told
about dinner or something.
I mean, I love food! That's the
annoying thing, I'm always eating.
If someone said to me,
"You have to either give up food
or give up sex,"
I'd say, "No, I don't." And that
would be the end of that, I think.
Not falling for that one again, wife.
It's just my metabolism, I've got
an unbelievably fast metabolism.
By the time you've asked
for the bill, I've shat it.
Half the time, in restaurants,
they don't even know I've been there.
I sometimes wish I had a bit more
of a big thing I did at the start,
I'm just not very rock'n'roll
and you get to a stage in life,
you've got to admit it.
I can never pull it off.
You look at these rock stars,
just the attitude, you know?
Rihanna - "make me feel like
I'm the only girl in the world."
I know, what a peculiar thing
to wish for!
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"Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 9 Mar. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/chris_moyles'_comedy_empire_5504>.