Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire

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'Ladies and gentlemen,

Chris Moyles!'

Good evening.

Good evening and welcome to

Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire on BBC3.

We are here tonight at the

world-famous Hackney Empire theatre

in East London,

ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight is all about comedy.

Right now, waiting backstage,

we've got some of the funniest

and finest comedians

who were willing to turn up

on a cold Monday night in June.

It's going to be a good night.

It's a big week for Hackney,

we've got Radio 1's Hackney Weekend

coming up this weekend.

The sound of a few people

who have tickets,

the sound of silence from people

that go "Bothered? Didn't get one."

Some of our stand-ups tonight

on the show actually come from

right here in Hackney,

which is brilliant,

because it means we don't have to

give them a car home.

They can walk and then we can use

the money we save

on drugs and boys.

As I said, this show is

Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire,

it's called that because,

for those of you that don't know,

I am Chris Moyles,

thank you very much.

I know that might sound like

a stupid thing to say

but there will be

viewers at home tonight

and maybe even some people in

the audience going, "Chris Moyles?

"He's that big, fat bastard

off the radio, isn't it?"

Yes, that would've been

true in the old days...

fat - can't argue with that.

Big - yes.

Bastard... guilty.

I used to be that man but not

any more, ladies and gentlemen.

Those were the old days,

the days before I lost some weight,

the days before I started

shopping at places other than

Next for men's sportswear.

Now, I am the new Chris Moyles that

you see in front of you tonight.

The new, improved, slimmer, sexier,

but don't worry, still a bastard.

Yes, I am Chris Moyles.

What a place Hackney is.

Do we have people from Hackney

in the audience tonight?

Hackney is amazing. It really is

a million-and-one different things.

It's energetic and it's vibrant.

It's nothing like the stereotype

But it's moving on. As far as I'm

concerned, this place is brilliant.

It's the only place I know where

at three o'clock in the morning

you can get yourself a kebab

and then pop next door

and get your hair braided.

Three o'clock in the morning!

So, shall we start the show?

Yes!

It is going to be a great

show for you tonight,

you are going to absolutely love it.

Please welcome Mark Watson!

Hello.

Hello!

Oh, thank you! Oh, it's nice to feel

warmth from the crowd like that.

I don't come out

and do a great, big thing.

I'm aware that I look unimpressive.

I'm really scrawny.

I'm so thin it's becoming

sort of a problem.

After a show people will often say,

"Have you eaten?"

Like, as if I'm not doing the meals.

Like I've not been told

about dinner or something.

I mean, I love food! That's the

annoying thing, I'm always eating.

If someone said to me,

"You have to either give up food

or give up sex,"

I'd say, "No, I don't." And that

would be the end of that, I think.

Not falling for that one again, wife.

It's just my metabolism, I've got

an unbelievably fast metabolism.

By the time you've asked

for the bill, I've shat it.

Half the time, in restaurants,

they don't even know I've been there.

I sometimes wish I had a bit more

of a big thing I did at the start,

I'm just not very rock'n'roll

and you get to a stage in life,

you've got to admit it.

I can never pull it off.

You look at these rock stars,

just the attitude, you know?

Rihanna - "make me feel like

I'm the only girl in the world."

I know, what a peculiar thing

to wish for!

What a lonely existence - "the only

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