Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire

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1

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Fire

Fire

[audience cheering]

Man on fire

Fire

Fire

Fire

Man on fire

Yes.

[audience continues cheering]

Yes. All right.

Yeah.

All right. Just relax.

We're fucking here, doing this in Canada.

I'm happy about that.

[audience cheering]

Look at this crowd. Yo, all right.

I know, uh...

I know I look like a tired eagle. Um...

[audience laughing]

I don't like how you laughed,

to be honest. It's fine...

It's fine that you laughed at it,

but the way you laughed at it was shitty,

you know?

You laughed like you realized it.

[audience laughing]

Ha, ha, oh.

Eagles are cool, though. They're fucking...

You know what I mean?

[squawks] They do that shit.

I don't look like that eagle

that would be like fucking...

I look like an eagle

that would be like this: Caw.

You know what I mean? Like... just tired

as shit, stuck in traffic:

Caw.

I've been thinking about

the way I look a lot lately

because I'm finally the age I look.

I'm like...

I always looked older than I was,

but now I'm 36

and that's a hundred percent obvious.

Like... it's... Like...

Here's what I mean "I'm the age I look."

When I say I'm 36,

nobody in here goes like this:

"No." You know?

[audience laughing]

Like, I'm an adult. It's fucking crazy

to realize yourself as an adult, right?

I mean, I've been an adult for a while,

but I just kind of... Recently it sunk in.

Here's what happened when I realized it.

I saw a picture, uh, of me

and I didn't recognize me.

I just saw, like, an adult male.

I literally saw me and I thought,

"F*ck that guy. He looks creepy."

That's what I thought. I was like,

"I don't like his whole story. F*ck him."

And then I realized it was me.

I look like that.

I look like a guy that'd f*ck your girl

and then be like:

"That's the game."

You know what I mean?

[audience laughing]

I'm sorry. I didn't do it.

I'm so fucking 36, man.

When I was in my 20s

I was a completely different person.

I don't...

I feel girls say shit like that, actually.

I don't mean it like that.

I feel like girls say dramatic shit like:

"I used to be

a completely different person."

[audience laughing]

I feel like when a girl says it, it means

she used to f*ck a lot, you know?

[audience laughing]

I feel like when a girl says that,

part of her thinks

that she was someone else for real.

She'll be, "No, for real.

I used to be a little Japanese man,"

or whatever.

Like, "No, you weren't." "Oh, really?

Then explain this:"

[mimics Japanese dialogue]

You're like, "Okay, I don't wanna argue.

You were Japanese for a summer

or something."

Ha, ha. I don't mean

I was a different person.

I was a lot different than I am now.

And I was, dude.

Just take ten years ago.

When I was 26 I was married,

which is crazy.

Which... And that's true.

But by the way, don't do that. Uh, yeah.

[audience laughing]

I don't bad-mouth marriage.

You can get married and it can work out,

but not if you're 26 and a dude.

That's way too young, okay?

I mean, maybe some of you are 26

and married out there,

in which case, oops,

but you know what I mean?

It's not gonna work out, you know?

I mean, it might, but it won't.

You know what I mean?

But it could,

but it's not going to, right?

But some are like, "This one's special."

And you're wrong, but, uh...

Yeah, you're not special.

You're just somebody. [laughs]

That's fucked up.

We're not special at all.

That's so fucked.

[audience cheering]

We're not.

We're not special. We're just people.

It's fucked up to think about, right?

I know when I say that

I lose some people in the audience.

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