Carry on England

Synopsis: Captain S. Melly takes over as the new Commanding Officer at an experimental mixed sex air defence base. It's 1940 and England is under heavy bombardment, but the crew seem more interested in each other than the enemy planes above. Captain Melly plans to put a stop to all this, and becomes the target of a campaign to abandon his separatist ideals...
Genre: Comedy, War
89 min

Here it is, gentlemen. The big problem.

13-13 Experimental Battery.

I can tell you now, we've had orders

to solve it from the top seat.

You mean WC?

WC. The top seat.

As you know, we've tried everything.

Brilliance, outstanding personality,

sheer naked courage.

The time has come to try something else.

- Oh? And what's that, sir?

- Sheer bloody ignorance.

How long are you going to be, then... sir?

How long? When one is sent for

by one's brigadier

to discuss a mission which is so hush-hush

that even oneself doesn't know what it is,

- one might be hours.

- Permission to pop down the NAAFI, sir.

- I beg your pardon?

- Permission to pop down the NAAFI, sir.

Corporal, the enemy is poised

to strike across the Channel.

The country is fighting for its life

and you want to pop down the NAAFI?

- Well, in that case, I'll forget it.

- I'm very pleased to hear it.

I beg your pardon... sir.

Who are you, and what the

devil are you doing?

Captain Melly reporting, sir.

Brush yourself down!

Follow me to the conference room.

(Horn honks)

(Insistent honking)

- All right! All right! Why the bloody fanfare?

Watch it, mate. New commanding officer.


Corporal... that man. He was wearing lipstick.

Lipstick, sir? Where?

- On his face. Where do you think?

- It must be a burn or a scar, sir.

- I hope you're right.

- So do I.

Frilly curtains? Baskets of flowers?

- Brassieres?

- Pardon, sir?

- Knickers!

- Same to you... sir.


- Captain Melly.

- No, you must have come to the wrong place.

My name's Bull.

No, no. I'm Melly. S Melly.

Pity. Have a drink.

Now, look here, Bull. I'm your relief.

- And there are certain things that...

- My relief?

Oh, you little beauty!

I could kiss you!

My re! Oooh, my relief!

I've got to go. My relief...

He actually kissed me!

(Engine fires up)

- My case!

(Car accelerates)

- I say!

My case!



Welcome to 13-13 Anti-Aircraft Battery, sir!

All right.

Sergeant Major Bloomer, sir.

"Tiger" to the troops.

I can do that!

- Sergeant Major Bloomer, do you think?

- Sir?

- Get inside.

- Me, sir?

- Yes, you, sir! Get inside at the double!

- Hargh!

Drop your trousers!

But, sir, we has only just met.

Drop 'em! That's an order!


- I see.

- Do you, sir?

Sergeant Major, may I ask you a question?

Sir, may I pull up my trousers?

What? Oh, yes. Yes. Get 'em up.

What I want to know is...

what men in this unit would wear

the kind of underwear I've seen on the line?

Good Lord!

Some of them are wearing skirts too!

They is not men, sir.

Well, what the blazes are they?

Women, sir.

You mean, female?

Yes, sir. Was sir not told, sir?

This is one of these new mixed batteries.

So, that's what the brigadier meant when

he said that this battery was an experiment.

Experiment, sir?

They does not need to experiment.

They gets at it right away and all the time.


All right, then. Section, halt.

Oh, come on! Come on. Put each other down.


Hang about! Hang about!

We don't want to give our new CO

the right idea, do we?


Right, right turn.

- What's next?

- Right dress, Leonard.

Oh, yeah. Er... right dress.

Two inches shorter

and he could see right up my skirt!

- What's your name, Sergeant?

- Willing, sir.

- And yours?

- Able, sir.

Well, Willing and Able, will you kindly tell me

why it is necessary for you all

to be squashed up like sardines in a tin?

It's just our way of keeping warm, sir.

On the hottest day of the year?

We've known it hotter than this, sir.

Dress properly! What do you think this is?

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David Pursall

David spent his early life in Erdington (England), the son of an accountant; he was always interested in writing and had two murder mystery novels published by the time he was sixteen. So, on leaving school, he took an apprenticeship as a journalist and became a reporter working on a local Birmingham newspaper. His ambition was to move to London to work on a national newspaper but with the threat of war looming, he joined the Royal Service Voluntary Reserve of the Fleet Air Arm as a trainee pilot before taking an officer's course at The Greenwich Naval College. During the Second World War he spent the first three years flying, winning a DSC for bravery and then transferred to the Admiralty Press Division. It was whilst he was stationed in Sydney that he met Captain Anthony Kimmins, the well-known broadcaster on naval affairs, who inspired him to work in the film industry. In 1947, settling in London, he eventually landed a post as Publicity Director for The Rank Organization and, in collaboration with the iconic portrait photographer Cornel Lucas, handled the press relations for Rank film stars, some of those he mentioned include : Jean Simmons, Petula Clark, Diana Dors, Joan Collins, Jill Ireland and Brigitte Bardot. In 1956, he joined forces with long term writing partner Jack Seddon, basing full time at Pinewood Studios, initially writing a script from his own idea Tomorrow Never Comes (1978). However, the plot was considered too provocative at that time and it was whilst trying to interest producers in this, that David and Jack were commissioned to write the script for Count Five and Die (1957); and it took twenty-one years' before Tomorrow Never Comes (1978), was made. Continuing later as a freelance film and TV scriptwriter, David worked mainly on war and murder mystery themes; his last movie made for TV was Black Arrow in 1985, a 15th century historical war drama. He worked constantly, and together with the titles listed, there were many more commissioned scripts, treatments, and original stories developed which never reached the sound stage. He also tried his hand at writing for the theatre, worked for a short time in Bollywood, took his tape recorder to the front line in Israel for a documentary on the Six Day War, and later became a Film and TV adviser; he also continued to write newspaper articles. David lived the good life; a popular, charismatic conversationalist, an idea's man, who enjoyed travelling the world circumnavigating twice, partying, theatergoing, watching night shooting at Pinewood Studios, finishing The Daily Telegraph cryptic crossword daily and driving fast cars; as well as helping the aspiring young achieve success in their careers in film and the media. Aged 69, he announced from his hospital bed, that as he'd written everything there was to write, it was his time to go. He left behind a devoted wife and a daughter. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Carry on England" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 20 Sep. 2021. <>.

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