Synopsis: Bernice "Bernie" Rhodenbarr is a burglar by trade, and she runs a bookstore as well. Her friend Carl Hefler is a dog groomer. After a successful burglary, it's discovered that a dead body was in the house she burgled. As she's the only one who can be placed at the scene of the crime, she has to use her criminal skills to clear her name of the murder AND avoid getting charged with the burglary.
Genre: Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Hugh Wilson
Production: Warner Home Video
Rotten Tomatoes:
103 min


[Telephone rings]





did you do it?

Did you do it?

Not yet.

Do it now.

Go in now.

I'm not ready.

The guy runs 20 minutes

every morning.

What else

do you need to know?

Ray, I'm telling you,

this guy is dangerous--

[dial tone]


I see

every move you make

there's nothing

you can do

to get by me

my, my profession

baby, I'm a thief

wanna shake your hand

it's true, you'll see

I look for silver

for China, maybe gold

makes lots of things

something I can hold

you've really

tried this time

I'll get my guilt

while it's on my mind

ah, baby

all this fun

can be no crime


you can't catch me

not the burglar

no way

try and catch me

each and every time,

I'll get away



Is anybody home?

[Horn honks]

Got a package

for this address.

Can you sign for it?

Thanks a lot.

Have a nice day.

you can't catch me

not the burglar

no way

try and catch me

each and every time

I'll get away

when times get rough

I take a look inside

I always

found the things

you tried to hide

with each new day

your chances

will increase

who'll be

the next victim

of the thief?

you've really

tried this time

I'll get my guilt

while it's on my mind

ah, baby

all this fun

can be no crime

you can't catch me

not the burglar

no way

speak to me.

Speak to me.

Ha ha.


Ok, honey...

Let's see what you got

for me today.


Don't rush

to come out, now.


gets a turn.

Very nice.

Come to mama.

Got you, you bastard.

[Door opens]



I seen 'em!

I seen 'em!

I seen 'em!

I seen 'em!

I seen 'em

from the street!

They was runnin'

and duckin'!


What's going on here?

What is she saying?

What's going on?

I've been robbed!

They come

through the hedge!

How many

were there?

I don't know!

2, 3 dozen.

Who were they?

Colored boys!

Maybe not!

Where did

they go?

Through the hedge!

Who are you?

I work for miss ornstein!

I don't know

what to do!

Let's go.

You, too.

No! no!

I got to go to work!

Wait here!

No, come on.

Let's go.

I think I see him.

This way.

I got to stop

doing this sh*t.




Get in...


I mean, first the guy

with the packages comes.

Then Mr. I'm-a-jogger-


he comes back.

Then his friend

shows up.

I've been

watching this place

for 3 weeks.


ever changes.

It's always the same.

I got to open up.

It's close to noon.

I'll see you later.


Are you from here

or from out of town?

Hi. may I speak

to Abel Crowe, please?

Oh, really?

No, no message.

Thank you.

May I speak

with Abel Crowe?

All right.

Would you tell him

the rare book

he ordered

has come in? Yes.

No, he'll know.

Thank you.


Hi. is this it?

Yep, that's it.

Hold on one sec.



Uh...what's that

all about?

That? nothing.

Don't worry about it.

This is it, huh?


Ok, let's see.

With federal,


and local tax,

it's 56.67.


That's right, 56.67.

That's what it says.

These machines

don't lie.

What, are you

on drugs something?

I got a used paperback.

Drugs? is that what

you have in the bag?


What's in the bag?

Look, what the hell

is this?

Open the goddamn door.

You going

to make me?

If I have to, yeah.

I got a Smith & Wesson

under the counter, man,

pointing at you,

and if you if

you don't hurry up,

I'm gonna shoot you

right in the dick.

You can't do that.

Are you kidding?

Of course I can do that.


this neighborhood,

I can shoot

a customer a week

and get away

with it.

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Jeph Loeb

Joseph "Jeph" Loeb III () is an American film and television writer, producer and comic book writer. Loeb was a producer/writer on the TV series Smallville and Lost, writer for the films Commando and Teen Wolf, and a writer and co-executive producer on the NBC TV show Heroes from its premiere in 2006 to November 2008. In 2010, Loeb became Executive Vice President of Marvel Television.A four-time Eisner Award winner and five-time Wizard Fan Awards winner, Loeb's comic book work, which has appeared on the New York Times Best Seller list, includes work on many major characters, including Spider-Man, Batman, Superman, Hulk, Captain America, Cable, Iron Man, Daredevil, Supergirl, the Avengers, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, much of which he has produced in collaboration with artist Tim Sale. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Burglar" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Web. 24 Sep. 2023. <https://www.scripts.com/script/burglar_4833>.

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