Buck Wild

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Damn!

Hello?

Damn 'coons.

Sh*t.

Who's out there?

Hello?

Daddy! Oh!

Damn it, candy!

How many times

have I got to tell you?

Oh, no.

My tulips.

I'm real sorry, Clyde.

Not as sorry as you're gonna be.

No!

Oh!

How could you?!

We were in love, daddy!

He was gonna take me

to new Mexico!

Oh, candy,

go get in the damn trailer.

But we were in love!

Yeah. Do it now.

I said now, damn it! Go!

Aah! Ugh!

I hate you!

Yeah, well,

that makes two of us.

Damn it, candy!

Baby girl? Is that you?

Chupacabra?

Aah! The chupacabra!

Will you please

give this trip a chance?

I promise we're gonna have fun.

All right? Huh?

Just us friends? Huh?

Hunting off the land.

Who are you texting?

Your girlfriend.

She says hi.

So, I hate to be a nag

but would you mind

cracking the window

or just

putting that out altogether?

I just got this shirt back

from the dry cleaners

and I'd like to wear it

more than o-once.

Or do that.

Thanks.

Tom, Jerry's from New York.

Tell him, Jerry.

Yeah, I'm from New York.

Oh, really?

What brings you to Texas, Jerry?

Ah, Jerry's here temporarily.

Just till he gets

some stuff sorted out.

Uh, stuff?

Ah, wh...

what kind of stuff?

Just some stuff

that I should've taken care of

when I had the chance.

Say, wouldn't you

be more comfortable

if we put that big bag

in the back?

It might make it easier

for you to eat those peanuts.

Actually, tom,

I'd be a lot more comfortable

if we put you in the back!

I'm just messin' with you, man!

You're so uptight.

You almost

wet your panties, tom.

But don't you ever

think about touching this bag...

ever.

Anyone want a treat?

Geez. Wh... do those

have pot in them, Lance?

Well, geez, mom, does anyone

still use the word "pot?"

I'll take one of them, boss.

No!

Guys, come on. All right?

Look, we have to

go into town first,

and then we have to

go meet Clyde.

- Who the hell is Clyde?

- He...

He owns buck wild ranch.

Well, I'm with you, boss.

And whatever we kill,

I'm doing the skinnin'

'cause I'm good with a knife.

Damn good.

Clyde...

sounds awesome, Craig.

Uh, why do I have to

sit in the back

with Jeffrey dahmer?

Sorry, guys.

He's family, okay?

He doesn't know

anybody out here.

Probably 'cause

he's killed them all.

Stuffed 'em away

in that duffel bag of his.

Seriously...

did you see how he was

keeping watch over that thing?

The guy's straight out of

a scorsese film.

And what's with the peanuts?

It's like he's working

with a new prosthetic.

All right, look,

I know he's a bit intense, okay?

But will you do me a favor

and just give the guy a chance?

Oh, lovely.

I'm not built for this.

Good day, gentlemen.

It's got to be the brownies.

Uh, good day, uh, sir.

Is there a problem?

Yes, actually.

You appear to be parked

at my pump.

Your pump?

Yes, you see,

I'm what the locals around here

refer to as a "badass,"

an outlaw really,

and am therefore

afforded certain liberties.

In this case, I've chosen

this pump as my pump,

hence why I'm asking you

to move your bloody truck.

Hey, Billy ray!

They got one back here hidin'!

You quit that hidin'!

Look, gentlemen,

I can see that

you aren't from around here.

So I'll allow you

to leave with your dignity.

Oh, yeah?

And what if we don't?

Yeah, it's the brownies.

Terribly sorry, gentlemen.

Always losing my keys, you know.

Let's begin again.

Whoa.

Hey. We don't want

any trouble, all right?

Well, it looks like

we got trouble.

This is stupid.

Jerry, we're gonna move.

Or we can stay

and Mr. peanut here and his Dixie

chicks can fill up someplace else.

What we got going on

out here, boys?

Just some harmless

male bravado, shipley.

Uh-huh.

Looks like a couple bucks

markin' their territory to me.

And it's officer shipley,

Billy ray.

How many times

have I got to tell you?

What's your story, son?

Hey!

An officer of the Texas parks and

wildlife just addressed you, boy.

Game warden shipley?

Hi. Craig Thompson.

Ah, we were just

getting some gas,

and then we were gonna meet our

guide out at buck wild ranch.

You guys gonna meet Clyde?

That's him.

Shoot. I see.

Well, when you see him,

you ask him if he's

seen any chupacabras lately.

All right, boys, disperse.

And, Billy ray...

I got my eyes on you.

I believe

a "we shall meet again"

is in order.

What's a chupacabra?

I think he said

"chalupa."

He said "chupacabra."

It's a legendary cryptid

rumored to inhabit

parts of the americas.

The infamous chupacabra,

or "goat sucker,"

drinks the blood of its victim.

Some say they're just

rabid coyotes with mange.

Others swear they're pure evil.

How the hell

do you know all that?

Ah, I used to hook up with

a Mexican farm girl.

Hi.

Are you Clyde?

Are you Clyde

with buck wild ranch?

Um.

My name is...

Craig Thompson.

So, you are Clyde.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

The game warden back in town...

wanted me to

ask you about a, uh, chupacabra?

Son, are you

trying to be a smartass?

Oh, no, sir.

Did somebody tell you

that buck wild ranch

was taking applications

for smartasses?

No, sir.

Well, then don't talk sh*t

you don't know sh*t about.

Sure.

Yes, sir.

Follow me.

Everything all right there,

boss?

Let's get this over with.

All right,

this is your weekend retreat.

I call it "the haven."

Gather 'round and listen up.

I'm only gonna say this once.

Bed's for sleepin'.

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