Bros Before Hos


I never want to see you again, asshole.

- Then get lost.

Go to hell, selfish fucking bitch.

- Shut up. You should talk.

Hi, I'm Max. The white one.

That brown peanut next to me

is called Jules. Yep, he was adopted.

Stupid cunt.

Not that it matters. He's my brother.

Homies for life.

Go f*ck other guys, why don't you.


My little guys, hey.

Just abandon your kids.

They'll raise themselves. Goddammit.

God... goddammit.

Guys, listen carefully.

Never ever, I mean never ever,

have a relationship.

OK? Never.

Right? All women are fucking whores.

They're only useful for fucking.

Other than that have nothing

to do with them. Got that? OK.

Hey, whore!

You're forgetting

your motherfucking kitchen machine.

Max, swear that you'll never

have a girlfriend.

I swear.

Me too.

Right. So this is me today.

Successful and everything.

Good job, nice house.

And I can sleep in every day.

Whoa, two fatalities, thirty injured

and a traffic jam of over 60 km.

Who cares?

I always walk to work.


Yep, I work in the video store,

right below my home.

Living the dream. Getting paid

for watching movies all day.

And hoping I don't get any customers.


Ouch, my elbow.

- Sorry.

Thanks a lot.

- I said sorry, didn't I?

The Big Lebowski.

What a piece of shit.


Isn't that the one in the snow

with all the skiing?

Definitely. Best Dutch movie ever.

You know what you can do?

You can put every bottle

in those crates.

And sweep up the glass, by the way.

Good luck.

There he is. My brother Jules.

Yep, he has people working

underneath him.

Assistant branch manager

of the stipmarket.

Free snacking all day, phoning

and slacking.


- Niggaaaaaaaaaaah.

Who would you bang? Doutzen Kroes

with full-blown AIDS, without a condom?

Or Viola Holt from the 1984 Playboy,

just hit by a truck...

...and dragged along for a mile,

but down there she's still perfect.

Is it really full-blown AIDS?

Or is Doutzen still at the HIV stage?

Jules, this isn't the deal. You know that.

Out of my office, OK?

Yes, full-blown AIDS.

But... how did she get it?

Unprotected butt sex with a hobo.

But Viola Holt is still

completely undamaged down there.

Nothing wrong with it.

- I'll do Doutzen.

Without a condom?

That's gross, you know.

So I was thinking,

let's party our asses off tonight, bitch.

No man, I'd planned to take it easy

this weekend.

No bitch, let's go.

Chicks are usually with a friend

who's less attractive.

Makes them feel good, I guess.

They always look better

next to the ugly one.

I bet that if you ran into a pretty girl

on her own, you wouldn't notice her.

Ugly chicks have to try harder, so

they're smarter, funnier and a better lay.

But what it comes down to: chicks are

always in pairs. Fucking perfect.

It'll be fine.

She's not worth it.

- Are you OK?

What's wrong?

- His girlfriend just broke up with him.

Oh, dear.

- On our birthday, of all things.

You're both having a birthday?

- Yeah, we're twins.

But he's imported from Mongolia.

Our birthdays happen to be

on the same day.

Well, happy birthday.

- Congratulations.

Can I get you a drink?

Yes, water, please.

I just started on antibiotics...

Really? Bartender,

four Long Island Iced Teas, please.

The Long Island Iced Tea.

It starts with ice in a long drink glass.

This cocktail contains four shots:

gin, vodka, white rum and tequila.

It's finished with a bit of cola.

Connoisseurs say it's about balance.

For us it's about

the enormous amount of alcohol.

Did you know we grew up

without a mother?

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