Broken Hearts Club

That Cameron Diaz is hot.|Did you check out the new F-150 yet?

Dude, it's huge.

I figure after the Laker game, I'll|head to Dublin's, grab some brewskies.

No way, man.|There's no snatch there on Mondays.

- It's total sausage on week nights.|- You guys see that Saxon got traded?

It sucks.|The line's gonna be sh*t now.

Amen, girlfriend.

- What did I say?|- We were doing so well.

There isn't a straight man who doesn't|refer to anyone but his girlfriend...

as "girlfriend."

But I was so butch|when I said it.

Fine. I don't care that I lost.|I hate games. Where's the check?

You should be proud to have lost.

This whole exercise is an unabashed,|demoralizing case of self-mockery.

This from the man that brought us,|"There's no snatch there on Monday."

- That's different.|- I agree.

If Larry Kramer knew this is how gay men|spent their time, he'd defect.

Larry Kramer can blow me, okay?

This is fun.

Besides, that was 5 minutes|and 32 seconds.

- Group record.|- Meanwhile...

I was saying earlier--

Could I have|a double steroid mocha?

- I can't help it. I'm a gym bunny hag.|- Gross.

Yes, Benji, yours is a lost cause.

I hate this city.|Everyone's better-looking than me.

- Cheer up,Jan. You'll make the team.|- I'm serious.

F*** off.

It's from the three of us.

And you wrapped it in your pants.

That's very funny.

- "Love, Here I Am."|- It's a joke.

You're the only one of us that never|complains about not having a boyfriend.

Certain individuals less familiar|with the real Dennis...

might interpret that|absence of desire to couple...

as a defense mechanism, a wall.

In which case, this text would serve you|in overcoming your emotional blockage...

and opening yourself up|to the possibilities of a relationship.

Okay, hint taken.|Come on. Just get together.

I can't take a picture.|I look terrible right now.

I really, honestly.|Wait a minute. Look at this.

- Actually, this isn't bad.|- Okay.

Good. Light's good over there.|Go. Come on, go.

All right.

Meanwhile--

when I first knew I was gay.

Can't remember.

But what I do remember...

I first realized it was okay.

- "It was when I met these guys..."|- Thank you.

my friends.

I still need to find a housewarming gift|for my sister and Clubber Lang.

She's been your sister's girlfriend|for five years.

Don't you think you two|should get along?

Meanwhile, don't look now,|but right behind me--

I could kill you.

You act like he'd never know|we were checking him out.

He wouldn't even know I was a fag|if I wasn't here with you--

a cart full of kitchenwares.

What planet are you living on?

Not a person in this store wouldn't|pick you off the homo tree in a second.

- Keep telling yourself that.|- You don't believe me?

Okay. I'm sorry, miss?|Excuse me, miss?

Could you come here|for just a second?

This man, you've never seen him before|in your whole entire life, right?

Tell me, which is it:|fag, not a fag?

I'll have to say big fag.

- The first thing I want to say, Larry--|- Lawrence.

- Remember my thing with that?|- Right.

Anyway, Lawrence,|the last two weeks...

that we've been going out...

have been some of the best moments|in my dating career.

We've laughed, we've learned...

we've tripped the light fantastic.

And yet, I just...

feel like something's|just not working.

What do you think, dear?

I'm not sure. Fold your arms.

Oh, gosh, yeah. Big nellie.

It's not you, okay? It's me.

I'm the broken piece,|and you wanna know why?

It's because deep down inside...

I'm a lonely person.

Are you reading that|off of your hand?

What? No.

You are. You are totally|reading a script.

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