Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour

Synopsis: Queen Elizabeth is attending a parade in Hammersmith and Richie and Eddie plans on inviting the Queen to join them for supper. But their plan goes wrong.
Genre: Comedy
Year:
1995
28 Views


ACT 1

(Shots of oxford, heavenly music plays. After a while, we see the Apollo theatre, and a giant fart sound is heard as the logo pops on screen. Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour. Inside the theatre, the curtain comes up. The flat is empty)

RICHIE (OFF-SCREEN)

(Groaning) I can't get it in. The hole's too small. Maybe it's the wrong hole. I'll try it the other way up. (grunting) come on, come on, I just want to get it in. Oh it's no good, it must be the wrong key. Oh no it's not, it's a sausage. OH NO, IT'S MY KNOB! No wonder it was too small. Ah. Ah, here we are, thank god. Ha. Darling, i'm home. WUAH!

(Thudding and clattering sounds. It's evident that Richie has fallen down the stairs.)

RICHIE (OFF-SCREEN)

Get off, I need help! I need help! Ow, get off. Right!

(Footsteps can be heard thudding back up the stairs. Richie enters through the right door, carrying two bags with something green on his left foot. The audience cheers, Richie waits for them to stop.)

RICHIE:

Alright! Who left the rotting tortoise on the top step?

(Richie lifts up his foot to show the tortoise.)

RICHIE:

EDDIE! EDDIE? Eh-duh-duh-EEEEEE? Oh, great, i'm all alone!

(Richie sighs in exasperation before he realizes what he just said, upon which, he gets a lecherous look on his face.)

RICHIE:

Oh great. I'm all alone.

(He inches closer to the left hand side of the room, fondling his testicles, and his nipples.)

RICHIE:

Right, where's that Freeman's catalogue?

(He finds it on the coffee table)

RICHIE:

Ah, here we are.

(He picks it up, and upon opening it, has a delighted expression on his face.)

RICHIE:

Ah Hah! The correct page. Ling-air-ee-ay (lingerie.)

(He growls lecherously, before blowing on his hand while vigorously shaking it. He peruses the catalogue with his finger, trying to determine which model to settle on.)

RICHIE:

You.

(He blows on his hand one more time, before pulling his trousers, and underpants, out in front of him with one hand, and poising his “preferred” hand above his crotch. Before commencing, Richie shouts one more time to confirm.)

RICHIE:

Eddie?

(No answer, Richie starts to shove his hand down the front of his jeans. But then...)

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

Yeah?

RICHIE:

Woah, Jesus!

(The shock sends Richie stumbling backwards)

RICHIE:

Christ, I nearly got Wanker's Whiplash then!

(Richie's hand is still shaking, going absolutely mental. Richie looks at it with concern.)

RICHIE:

Bloody hell! Eddie, get downstairs immediately.

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

No!

RICHIE:

I've got the sprouts

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

Go and see a doctor.

RICHIE:

Look Eddie, get down here and help me unload my vegetables.

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

I shall do no such thing, you foul pervert!

RICHIE:

Look, enough of the crap d-oo-ble entendre's. Get down here this instant, young man!

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

(enunciating) I cannot come down.

RICHIE:

And why not, pray??

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

Because...

(Eddie imitates a fanfare.)

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

...I'm already...

(Eddie bursts from the fridge.)

EDDIE:

...DOWN!

(The audience applauds. Eddie waits for them to stop. They don't. He checks his watch, impatiently. After a while…)

EDDIE:

Oh, f*ck it!

(Eddie decides to go back into the fridge. He comes back out again, but the audience just cheers louder. Then he goes back in again. He opens the door, and closes the door, each time he opens it again, the audience cheers again, like they're the light switch inside. Eventually, Eddie just gives up, walks out and faces it.)

EDDIE:

You realize they'll be fucking closed now.

(He points to his watch.)

EDDIE:

Ah, good morning Hammersmith. Oh, I feel great today.

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