Bordello of Blood

Synopsis: The old bag of bones 'Cryptkeeper' returns for his second full length feature flick about a funeral home that's a front for a whorehouse run by vampires.
Director(s): Gilbert Adler
Production: Universal Studios
Rotten Tomatoes:
87 min




We're behind schedule.

Hold it right here.

It's a good thing

you didn't tell us this is

where you wanted to come.

Why is that, toad boy?

Because we wouldn't have.

This place is dangerous.

There's a legend.

Four hundred years ago,

a ship stopped near here

and left behind a treasure.

Must be a big treasure for someone

to go to the end of the Earth to hide it.

And for some gringo to go

just as far to dig it up. Huh?

You're a smart boy, Miguel.

And because of that,

I'm gonna let you have

some of what we find.

Ah, remember

you say that.

Oh, I will.

I'm gonna let it have

a little of you too.

Right about here.

Tell your men to start

diggin' right here.

The opening

to the cavern's about two

or three feet down.

A cavern?

That's what the Indians say.

The men who came buried

the treasure in a cavern.

You know,

this thing doesn't look

like a treasure chest, huh?

Looks more

like a casket.

You're right again, amigo.

And inside it is the most

incredible treasure

in the whole world.

Cut the straps.

Come on.

Open it up.

What the f***!

Boys, meet Lilith.

That's it?

That's your

goddamn treasure?

You bet it is.

This here is the most horrible woman

the world has ever known.

And she's all mine.

You sick, pathetic,

little piece of sh*t.

You drag us all the way

to the end of the Earth

for a f***ing stiff?


This ain't no ordinary stiff,

my friends.

I've been looking for this

little lady for ten long years.

I've searched the four

corners of the Earth...


to find her heart...

so I could give it back

to her.


H-How are you doing that?

What can I say, boys?

I know how

to turn a woman on.


That's not supposed to happen.

Wake up!

Wake up, you b*tch! Sh*t!

Wrap her up.

We're taking her with us.

You sick

piece of sh*t.

Jefe! Jefe, mira aqu!

Ahora! Aqu est!

- My God, blood. Blood.

Ay, madrecita.

Oh, mama!

- Wh-What is that?

- It's a vampire.

The mother of all vampires!

Come to me.

No! No!

Chill, baby.

- What is that?

- You don't get to the movies

too often, do ya?

- "Movies"?

- It's the only thing

that keeps her in line.

The blood inside gives

whoever possesses the key

total power over Lilith.

It doesn't matter

where the key is.

In a pocket.

In a safe.

Or right in her face.

Isn't that right, sweetheart?

- Hey, beautiful,

if I give you one more,

- What are you doing?

- You promise to behave?

- Anything for you, lover.

You son of a b*tch.

Then she rips his face off,

and she eats him!

I-I know. It-It doesn't sound

like all that much,

but it'll do

great business foreign.

And the cassette...

Believe me.

You know the last picture

that I directed made a fortune.

I don't need to tell you

what a piece of sh*t that was.

No, you don't. I know

what a piece of sh*t it was.

Jack! Jack.

How are you?

Kudos to you, my friend,

on your promotion.

We must do lunch.

Must, must, must.

What a schmuck that guy is.

When I was still acting

in motion pictures,

I couldn't get him

to call me back.

Not a single

goddamn phone call!

Now, of course,

he'd give his left nut

to work with me.

And I'd give my left nut

for this lunch to be over.

Which brings me to why

I've asked you here today.

You and I have been friends

for a long time.

Yes, yes.

We have, haven't we?

Just as well

you feel that way...

because I don't think this tomb

is big enough for the both of us.

Which is why

I would like...

to propose

a friendly little competition.

Winner take all.

You're on, pal.



- Three!

- My rock beats your scissors!

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A L Katz

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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