Birthday Girl

Synopsis: Internet love connections and mail-order brides rarely ever work out, and John should have known. Having never been lucky in the game of love and tired of waiting for the perfect woman to come along, John decides to take his chances and orders a mail-order bride from Russia online. At first, things seem perfect: his new bride Nadia is a gorgeous woman, and although she may not speak much English, her skills in the bedroom more than make up for any communication problems. When Nadia's 'cousins' unexpectedly arrive to celebrate her birthday, John is drawn into their web of corruption and crime.
Director(s): Jez Butterworth
Production: Miramax Films
  1 win.
Rotten Tomatoes:
93 min



Running, reading...

going out, staying in...

the countryside...

films... if they're good.

Intelligent, of course.


pretty, I suppose.

But it's not critical.

Someone you can really

talk to.

I think communication

is key.

The most beautiful girl

in the world

Picks my ties out

she eats my candy

She drinks my brandy

The most beautiful girl

in the wo-o-rld...

I came from Moscow,

and, um... I'm looking for

perfect husband.

...Older than me,

about 5 years.

Hello. My name is Tanya.

I don't want anything fat.

I don't like stingy man. Johnny Depp.

He's got passion.

He's good-looking.

...Who care about family,

who loves children.

I like friends.

I do wild things.

I'm actually looking for

somebody who could control that.

I like "Earth, Wind, and Fire,"

my favorite group.

...To the one and only

beautiful girl in the world


when you think about it,

England is just a small island.

I mean, I know that gives you about

20 million girls to choose from.

But if you live in a small town

and you work long hours,

you're just not gonna get

the chance to meet them all.

But I suppose I never

really believed in that stuff

about falling in love

with the girl next-door.

I mean, for a start,

I never had a girl next-door.

But where does it say

that you have to meet

the love of your life

in the local supermarket?

We all have someone

in our past...

one skeleton, if you like.

We've all got at least one person,

as it were, under the patio.

Not literally, of course.

I should say that some people,

on the face of it,

might not understand

what I'm doing.

They might think

it was a bit sad.

I think it's

quite a brave move.

Quite a brave...

reasonable thing to do.

Attention please. Flight

236 from Moscow has now landed,

and passengers are disembarking

at Gate 7.

This is

a security announcement.

Would all passengers ensure

that they keep their luggage

with them at all times.

Unattended baggage

will cause a security alert.

Flight 179 from Rome

has now landed...


I'm... I'm John.


Is that everything?


It's about 40 miles

from here.

Don't know if you've had

a chance to look at the map.

Close to London,

but it's a city in itself.

I'm having a problem

with ants.

It's the warmer weather.

I can't seem to find

the nest.

Do, um...

this is strange, isn't it?


I mean ants, you know? I'm

having a problem with ants.


It looks like

it might rain.

So, you're a smoker.

I thought you were

a nonsmoker.

Sorry. Do you understand

what I'm saying?

- Yes.

- Good. Good.

- Or should I speak slower?

- Yes.

Do you... Do you follow

or should I speak slower?


Um... are you a giraffe?


Oh, Jesus.

Jesus Christ!

This is John Buckingham

from St. Albans.

I need to speak to you

absolutely urgently.

There's been a mistake.

She doesn't speak English.

Repeat... she does not

speak English.

Please call me back

as soon as possible.

It's critical.


Your letters

were in English.

Good English. You said

you'd studied English.

Whoa... um...

That's for you.

I can't take that.

I can't take that.

I'm... I'm not really

a ring guy.



That's no big deal.

Yep. Thank you.


John Buckingham again.

If anyone's there,

could they please call me back

as soon as possible?

It's an emergency.

Repeat... emergency.

Man on TV:

Absolutely right.

Percival Lowell, who predicted

the existence of the planet Pluto,

was a champion of the theory

that intelligent life

once existed on which planet

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Tom Butterworth

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Birthday Girl" STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Web. 26 Jan. 2023. <>.

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