Billy Madison

~ Suntan lotion is good for me

~ You protect me

~ Tee-hee-hee

Oh, the sun tries to burn me,

but you won't let it, will ya?

Ultraviolet rays - bad. Lotion - good.

(blows raspberries )

Smiley.

There's something important

I was supposed to do today.

Have five daiquiris?

No, you remembered to do that.

Man, why did I have so many drinks?

I can't remember.

- What's today?

- October?

It's nudie-magazine day!

Yeah!

Watch out, butler!

Ooh, you're a quick one.

Nudie-magazine day!

Nudie-magazine day!

Nudie-magazine day! Nudie...

Agh! Ooh!

Ooh.

Eee...

Ah!

Oh!

(squawking )

Holy jeez!

Lookee what we got here.

That silly penguin is back again.

No, Mr Madison, there no penguin.

You got too much sun today.

- There no penguin!

- (squawks )

It's too damn hot for a penguin

to be just walkin' around here.

I gotta send him back to the South Pole.

No!

Penguin! Don't you dare run away!

Come here, Mr Penguin!

I'm one of the good guys, penguin.

Don't run! Oh. Oh...

Don't run!

Don't run from me!

Penguin!

Penguin.

You're a bad penguin.

Whee-hee!

Call the zoo!

All the people at the zoo

are very nice, penguin.

They'll treat you real respectable, like.

There's nothing to worry about, big fella.

Here I come!

Right this way, gentlemen.

Mr Madison is expecting you.

Leg.

Billy! You shouldn't pull that crap in front

of your father's business associates.

Now you get yourself upstairs

and get ready. Dinner's in 15 minutes.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Don't ''yeah, yeah'' me, boy.

This is a very important dinner.

You best be there.

I will. Thank you, Juanita.

You gotta dress yourself up

and look nice, too.

Oh, that boy's a fine

piece of work all right.

He's a fine piece of ass though, too.

Where the hell is he? I'm starvin'.

I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car.

You should've had some.

If you'd told me

there were Triscuit crackers,...

- ..I could've enjoyed them with you.

- I'm sorry.

Sorry doesn't put the Triscuit crackers

in my stomach, does it, Carl?

Gentlemen?

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

Have you all met?

Eric Gordon, my executive vice president.

And our operations manager Carl Alphonse.

Sit down, gentlemen, sit down.

Beautiful table.

Good seeing you, sir.

Where's Billy?

Juanita said he'd be down

in a few minutes.

I'm sure you'll all be very impressed.

Shampoo is better.

I go on first and clean the hair.

Conditioner is better.

I leave the hair silky and smooth.

Oh, really, fool? Really!

Stop looking at me, swan.

(slurps )

- Hey, Carl, what's up?

- Nothing much, Billy.

- I see you got a little sun today.

- You think so?

- I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.

- Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?

Shut up!

That's enough, Billy. Because you took

your sweet-ass time coming down here,...

..these gentlemen will miss their flights.

Well, this guy can stay in my room,

I'll tell you that much.

Billy? Eat your soup.

It's good soup.

Gentlemen, I can't thank you enough

for coming this evening.

(yells gibberish )

Please, Billy, please,

no gibberish tonight, please. I beg you.

Sorry, Daddy.

This is a big night for me tonight, gents.

I have an important announcement.

(fast gibberish )

That's it, Billy! Get the hell outta here!

(slow gibberish )

- Nice talkin' to you, Billy.

- (singsong gibberish )

(yells )

Right. One, two, three!

Hey, Billy, how come

you ain't poundin' any tonight?

I don't know. My dad was yellin' at me.

I'm just not in the mood.

Hey, Billy, who would you rather bone,

Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

Jack Nicholson now, or 197 4?

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