Bigfoot Horror Camp

1

(jungle sounds)

(fun jungle music begins)

(dramatic electronic music)

What was that?

That wasn't you?

No, I don't growl, a**hole.

Go check it out.

It came from over there.

(playful keyboard music)

Hey, whatever

happened to women's lib?

Keep walking while

you're squawking.

Yeah, babe,

there's nothing here.

Keep looking,

Captain Chivalry.

Nothing here.

(giggling)

Ooh, shake that moneymaker.

Oh, you like that, huh?

(giggling)

Yeah, that's what

I'm talkin' about.

Yeah, we're fine.

(growling)

Oh my gosh!

What?

Keep running!

(growling)

The last time I used

it, I never missed.

And I wasn't tired at all.

After all, the most important...

Look who's here!

Burt!

Hi, Dana.

Oh, what a surprise!

You haven't changed a bit.

You're as handsome as ever.

And you're looking lovely.

Take your hands off that girl

or you're a dead man.

Robert, how's everything?

Great, how are you?

Better keep an eye

on your sister, buddy.

She's no little girl anymore.

Oh, stop teasing me.

I can look after myself.

Tomorrow I'm hunting big game.

What animal are you hunting?

- Sacred monkeys.

- Oh?

I never heard of them.

What are they?

It's an old native legend.

There're supposed to be some

kind of sacred wild monkey,

somewhere out there.

It stays in the forbidden

part of the jungle,

forbidden to white men.

But you will take me, Robert.

I mean, you promised

to let me come along,

as long as Dad doesn't

find out where we're going.

He made me swear never to go

near that part of the jungle.

Is that the way

you keep your word?

[Dana] I had my

fingers crossed.

Burt.

Why don't you come with us?

It'll be a hell of a lot of fun.

No thanks.

Firearms make me sick.

You've changed,

like everything else,

including Dad's place.

You mean there's nobody around

who can begin

brawling like I did?

It's very serious now,

ever since you soldiers left.

Have any of the old

bunch been around here?

(funky oldies music)

[Man] That's when

you both ran off?

Yep.

You say you got a

good look at our perp?

Well, I mean, Heather did.

I was, I was basically like...

I mean, sort of.

Well, Joe was too busy

shoving me out the way,

so neither of us got

a good glance at him.

I was too busy leading

the way, out of danger,

so that you were not hurt.

Yeah, I'm sure

you did, hot shot.

I'm gonna make out a report.

Here, take my card.

If you hear or see anything,

call us right away.

In the meantime, put

some damn clothes on.

Well officer, this

is a nudist colony.

That's right, detective.

Maybe you should take

off your clothes.

Not in this lifetime, sister.

The human body is

sacred and very dirty.

It's a temple for sinners,

unless of course you're married.

Whatever you say, boss.

Oh, damn it!

I left my phone

down in the woods.

(seductive guitar music)

Well, Lucia, it looks like

it's just you and me again.

I guess so.

(giggling)

[Narrator] He took me

to what Indians called the

Land of Petrified Wood.

There, carved in rock were

drawings of a creature

with big hands and big feet,

exactly as I had heard

Bigfoot described.

The drawings were 700 years old.

They told how creatures the

Indians called stick men

had come in the night and

stolen the Indian children.

The Indians abandoned

the village in fear.

(mysterious music)

My head was reeling

with Bigfoot.

I came to bring my

wonderful husband lunch.

How was your day?

Well, it was going good

until I got called out

to the Circle Double-D's

nudist colony.

A creature of some sort

came out of the woods

and attacked a young couple.

This is really baffling.

Was this some sort of Yeti?

And if so, why was

it attacking people?

Are there really

nude people out there?

As far as the eyes

could see, my love.

Oh my.

I mean...

It's against my better

judgment, but pack your bags.

We're gonna go up there

and find out firsthand

if this thing exists.

We're going to the Double-D?

Yes, but we won't

take off our clothes.

But honey, it's

a nudist colony.

Well alright, Mary,

but we can't enjoy

it, understand?

I promise.

[Narrator] To those who cried,

"For Bigfoot to

exist goes against

"every bit of scientific

data known to man,"

I could now say, "How much

more there is to know."

I felt close to the adventurers

who'd left their calling

cards at Watson Lake

as they crossed into the Yukon,

and even closer to those

who'd made a similar journey

at the turn of the century.

With so many pouring into the

Yukon during the Gold Rush,

it's no surprise there'd

be such a rich source

of stories about Bigfoot.

They were bright, and

traveling was good.

Then, the snow turned red.

(dramatic music)

To the north, south,

east, and west,

rivers of blood

flowed across the sky

and down into the snows.

It seemed to be the

last day of the world.

Bigfoot was punishing us

for bringing its sorrow.

But then, the good white

light rose from the north.

What followed was a

battle of 1,000 warriors.

White light was the

spirit of Bigfoot,

left to die by the trapper.

It'd returned in the

form of a white raven,

to protect us from the red wrath

of its grieving brothers.

If you travel the

river, you may see him.

And if you do, he

will bring you luck.

(funky synth music)

Ahem, Earth to Mary.

Sorry.

Where were we?

You were just undressing

that guy with your eyes.

Well, not necessary.

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