Synopsis: We meet Bernie Tiede (1958- ), a chubby undertaker, who takes pride in his work. He's a Gospel-singing tenor. In a series of interviews with townspeople, mixed with flashbacks, we follow Bernie: he arrives in Carthage, Texas (pop. 7,000), where old ladies adore him; he befriends a wealthy, mean-spirited widow named Marjorie Nugent; they become companions in both daily routines and expensive vacations. Among those interviewed, only her stockbroker and Danny Buck, the local district attorney, are unsympathetic toward the sunny, sometimes saccharine Bernie. Marjorie changes from sour and alone to happy with Bernie; then she gets possessive. What will sweet Bernie do?
Director(s): Richard Linklater
Production: Millenium Entertainment
  Nominated for 1 Golden Globe. Another 10 wins & 18 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
104 min

l`m very

honored to introduce

our guest lecturer today.

He graduated from here

about 15 years ago.

He `s gone on to a fabulous career.

I can `t think of a single

person who `s more qualified

or more adept at the final procedures

you`ve been studying lately.

Now you`ve learned the science,

now`s your chance to learn the art.

Students, Mr. Bernie Tiede.

Thank you, Professor.

Thank you.

It`s always an honor to be asked back

and I do it gladly because I feel..

if even one thing I

say or demonstrate today

helps you in any way as

you embark on your careers,

then everyone will have benefited.

You, those who are grieving,

and the deceased.

The nails have to be clipped,

shaped and brought back to life.

And you must cast the

nails to the person.

You wouldn`t want a mechanic

to have the nails of a flight attendant.

Would you?

It is very important to

remove any unwanted nasal,

ear, or facial hair.

We can never be too vigilant

in the Iookout for that

one stray rogue hair.

The eyes are often a minor problem

because they usually want to stay open.

It`s almost Iike they want one

Iast Iook at this miraculous world.

But with some Super GIue..

a Iittle dab will do you..

and it`s no more peeking.

Even though the features have

been set during the embalming,

you have to reassess and readjust

because of continuing

emaciation and dehydration.

Perfect expression of the mouth

would be relaxed, natural,

with a Iittle bit of a smile.

Can`t have him Iooking

unhappy to be there.

And we must always be on guard

for the mischievous lip drift.

Even the slightest hint

of teeth can be disastrous.

You cannot have grief

tragically become a comedy.

Then, after a foundation

mixed with massage cream

to prevent dehydration,

even out coloration,

then apply highlights.

Do not over-cosmetize.

Most of those who service the

deceased apply far too much blush.

Just a note to always remember:

too much color does not

make one Iook more alive.

The last detail to be managed

is the deceased`s body position.

Left hand over the right,

over the umbilicus,

in an attitude of ease,

of repose, of retirement.

The position of the

head is oh so important.

Neither star gazing

nor navel gazing,

but perfectly centered,

turned ever so slightly to the right..

in greeting.

He`s now been cosmetized,

he`s ready to be dressed,

and casketed.

? Love Iifted me! ?

? Love Iifted me! ?

? Looove Iifted meee! ?

? I was sinking Deep in sin ?

? Off on the peaceful shore ?

? Buried deeply staying within ?

? sinking to rise no more ?

? But the master Of the sea ?

? Heard my despairing cry ?

Bernie was a very charismatic man.

A Ioving person.

And he had the ability to

make the world seem kind.

? Love Iooked at me ?

? When nothing else Could help ?

? Love lifted me ?

? Love Iifted me ?

Real good with people,

a real people person,

always had his hand

out, ready to shake it,

never met a stranger, good with names,

good with questions.

He could remember if your

daughter was at Texas,

and your son was at A&M.

He`d remember that and he`d ask

you questions about those kids.

Just made you feel real

good about yourself.

? When nothing else could help now ?

? Love Iifted me ?

? Souls in danger Look above ?

? Jesus completely saves ?

? He will Iift you By his Iove ?

? Out of the angry ways ?

? He`s the master of the sea ?

If the people in Carthage were

to make a Iist of those people

that they thought would get to heaven,

I am sure that Bernie would be

right at the top of the Iist.

? Love Iifted me ?

? When nothing EIse could help ?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote

Richard Linklater

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Bernie" STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Web. 30 Nov. 2023. <>.

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